Friday, September 26, 2008

Moving On

I'm down to only being a pound up from where I was two weeks ago. How's that for progress!

Down 12.5, 7.5 to go.

I'm getting ready to go to a spin class today at lunch, but undecided about tomorrow's activity. My choices are a 5k run for charity or loading up SadieLu and heading out for the nature trail.

She and I did the nature trail thing last weekend as my soul just needed that. Time with nature and time with a dog that looked to be smiling as she was so happy to be traipsing through the woods - both things that make me smile. I may make the same decision again tomorrow, but as of yet, I'm undecided.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Keep moving.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Doing better

As I told Suz in an email:

I'm doing better. I've pretty much decided not to force any legal action at this time, although if the title company does their job thoroughly (whatever that might be) it will be out of my hands. I'm afraid of jinxing this good deal she has on the table right now as the buyers want to have control of the land by mid-October because of access to the levy. My big fear is that if this sale falls through then she stands a good chance of losing the entire place to the county via the eminent domain process and will come out losing about 600K.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Still undecided.

I'm still undecided about what to do, but I am feeling better.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Fear Itself.

While doing some treadmill meditation this afternoon, I feel like I've discovered the cause of my recent bout with anxiety/stress/whatever. Fear. I am afraid. I am afraid of rage. I am afraid of rage in me. I am afraid of unleashing the rage in me. And this fear has me paralyzed. I can't seem to be able to do anything but think about it.

My Mom has entered into a contract to sell a portion of the property in WA and I agree with her decision. Actually, I've pushed for her to sell all of it, but she's uninterested. I have said that since she is selling that I wish to settle up the estate - meaning I want the portion of the proceeds of this sale that I am legally entitled to at this time. She is unwilling to do this, so it looks like my only option is to sue her or attempt to legally block the sale of the property. The nuclear option.

I am so angry about this that I can barely function. And I fear this anger. It feels too big for me, somehow.

This is a test. This is only a test.

I feel as though the last few years have provided me with a good deal of insight and personal growth. Sometimes I'm quite amazed at what I've learned about myself and not always good things. I've come to understand that a large part of the things that I'm unhappy about or have been unhappy about, I've brought on myself.

I've come to know and see how past behaviors and beliefs have weighed me down. As I went through life, I just kept picking up rocks and boulders and putting them in my pack, in some cases, taking these loads and burdens on as mine, even if others didn't specifically asked me to. I somehow thought it was my job/responsibility/way of currying favor and so I did it.

By the fall of 1996, I could no longer move forward under the weight, either literally or figuratively and I began what I've now come to think of as a journey of self-discovery. At first and for a very, very long time, all I was able to do was to stop taking on rocks. My first step was to stop adding more to the pack. Over time - a very long time, I was able to reach into the pack and toss a few pebbles aside. It became possible to move forward again.

In the past few years I've been able to set aside larger and larger burdens and make new discoveries. I feel like I've grown almost exponentially in my self-knowledge in the years since my divorce. I've learned some great and hard truths and have begun to feel a greater since of self-determination. Not determination in the bulldog tenacious sense, but determination in the sense that I can chart my own course and feel confident in my ability to survive and yes, thrive. That I can build a life that encompasses the things and the people who bring me peace and joy.

And I guess with all of this, there are bound to be some missteps and fallbacks. I've been in a spin over the last ten days. Motivation appears to have left the building; appetite approaching astronomical proportions and I wonder how I could have lost my way so quickly? Last week found me dwelling/obsessing/churning/fantasizing thoughts that do nothing but move me away from the grounded self I wish to be. Now comes the real test, using the skills and knowledge that I've developed to stem the tide, to turn away from that which has caused me to stumble so many times before. It is a test and I must pass it.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Develop confidence.


Friday, September 19, 2008

Someone kick me in the ass!

And tell me to get to the gym. Jeesus. I've got the "but I don't want tos".

I am a toddler.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Lack of planning on my part

does not constitute good eating choices.

Stayed at work too long last night and didn't have time to grab an appropriate bite before attending an after work meeting. So by the time I pulled into the hometown of Reata North, I was very hungry and my options were limited. So I chose the worst of the options available and brought home fried chicken.

This morning I feel, well, fricasseed myself. I was smart enough not to step on the scale this morning so I don't have a stupid number playing around in my head all day.

Oh well, today I'll make better choices.

Don't know that we have any exciting plans this weekend. Continue working on the studio and perhaps take in the new Coen Bros. film.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Make it easy to make the best choice.


Sometimes they make you proud

Pebbles has decided to make the trip to Tampa with me to visit my longtime friend who is in poor health. Pebbles hasn't seen her since she was 12 and we took a road trip to visit her in her then-home, Mobile. That trip was one of our greatest ever. So I feel like there is a bit of nostalgia in her decision, but my friend and I are happy that she's going to share our time together.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Make someone's day.


Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Something More

I'm reading Something More by Sarah somethingorother - the author of Simple Abundance, one of my favorite books. I'm enjoying the book, using it as a part of my morning meditation/quiet time. I'm also following some of the exercises in the book. I don't know that they are pointing me to any big spiritual truths, but it gives me an excuse to cut out pictures and stuff. One of the activities she advocates is creating an illustrated journal by cutting out pictures from magazines, your own photos, using your own mementos. I've always sort of kept a decorating idea folder with pictures of rooms, furniture, paint chips, etc that appealed to me. Now I'm just doing the same, but with a broader scope. One of the categories is style. I know what I like, but I don't always seem to purchase things in keeping with that style. And it's hard to be stylish at this age - it's much easier to be dowdy or worse yet, dress too young. I'm too old for The Gap and too young for Coldwater Creek, Chico's and the like. A tweener, I guess.

There was an interesting article in the NYT just a few days ago about this very thing. With the demise of Sigrid Olsen's design line and Dana Buchman now becoming a store-brand for Kohl's, finding appropriate up-casual and business-wear has become more difficult. Right now, or rather I'm still looking for a fashion idol, a woman of a certain age who still manages to look pulled together, sporty, tailored, but not too severe, polished, but not overdone. I think it may be impossible.

I do know that I love and can't really find: white button down shirts that don't look too boxy, good leather anything, dark denim trouser cut jeans, blazers that don't look small. I HATE that undersized look. I've spent half my life stuffed into clothes that I was growing out of and the last thing I want to do is buy that look on purpose! I do like a layered look, sort of Diane Keatonish, but without the neuroses. Don't need the hat, don't need the gloves and I cannot wear turtlenecks.

I've been slacking off at the gym since Saturday, so today it's back to boot camp. Work has just been kicking my ass, but not in a way that will improve the way it looks in a pair of the jeans that don't seem to exist anymore.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Develop a style.


Tuesday, September 16, 2008

My New NieceBeast

Unfortunately, I don't know how to make the picture right side up. But this is the pup that made the trip back from WA vacation this summer. She's prepared for Halloween, complete with her witch's hat.

Monday, September 15, 2008

No more

It's all gone. All of it. Only a few structures survived, but everything on this end of the penninsula is just gone. I don't feel as sorry for these owners as I do those of lesser means who lost primary homes and everything they owned. This loss doesn't compare at all, but we had planned to go back next April, but it's not to be. Not this April, nor for many Aprils to come.

Off the rails a bit

Not a great weekend eating wise, but okay otherwise. Did not weigh this morning after the whole popcorn incident last night, but I'm not going to get bent out of shape over having too much popcorn. Actually, I look pretty bent out of shape!

Julie's funeral service last week in my home town received television coverage out of Seattle, both in article and video. I watched the service and it was nice, as those things go.

Worked on clearing out the third bedroom in preparation for the yoga room. I've changed my mind about the paint color (again), but still have a lot of work to do before it's time to paint.

Drove to Big D to see Pebbles and spent a couple of hours with them. Guy was his arrogant self. And they are talking engagement. Oh well. She is my pig, but she's old enough to make her own decisions. He's like having dinner with William F. Buckley. Pompous windbag. This is going to be difficult. I just hate the thought of losing any of my relationship with Pebbles, but I will leave it up to her. My relationship with her is the most important thing and I need to remember that. It's not about how I feel about him that's important, it's about her. So yet another opportunity for personal growth.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Down 13.5, 6.5 to go

Is this Ground Hog Day? Every Friday I weigh the same thing, only to bounce around for the rest of the week? Who knows. I do know that people have started to notice the weight coming off and have commented positively, which is nice. Not that I'm living on ego biscuits, but it's nice all the same.

I "attended" read watched over the Internet, a live broadcast of Julie's funeral yesterday. The largest church in the community was packed - in fact the service was twenty minutes late in getting started to try to allow as many people as possible in the sanctuary. From the looks of things, I suspect the fire marshal, who was probably in attendance, should have prevented more people from entering the building. It was a lovely remembrance and is the mode of late, included a slide show that lasted through three popular songs. It must have been hard on the family to put it together. Her husband, whom she had dated since she was 16, was shot two times before she was, but I am unsure of his current condition. I assume the service was delayed in order for him to be released from the hospital and from the way the officiant spoke yesterday, I assume he was in attendance. So many beautiful pictures of their lives together. I've spent so much of my life avoiding the camera that even if anyone wanted to put together a retrospective of my life in pictures, they'd be hard-pressed to find any. But hers were beautiful - always with her smiling large, as she did in life. My home community is in mourning.

Events like this have a way of snapping things back into perspective.

In other news, I haven't been able to get in touch with Pebbles since her early morning phone yesterday as she was disembarking the Love Boat. Cell phone lines seemed to be continuously jammed. I'm hoping she is okay, but could have easily got caught up in the traffic moving inland from the coastal regions of Texas.

Bick's family outside of Houston are all moving to the university where Bick's brother-in-law is a VC. He's secured housing for them, complete with generators, food and water supplies, etc. This works out well since Richard must stay on campus during situations like this, so this keeps everyone close at hand.

We've been invited to a neighborhood fish fry tomorrow night - which may turn into a hurricane-remnant watching party. Bick wants to take brownies and to keep me away from them, I've asked him to bake them tonight and he was happy to oblige. No use borrowing trouble!

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Take a picture.


Thursday, September 11, 2008

Ike on her tail

Spoke with Pebbles this morning as she was disembarking. Turns out it was a 5 day, not a 7 day as I had thought. She will join the long line of others coming up from the Texas coast as Ike bears down.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Sadness and disbelief

I'd heard the story from some one here at work last week. It even made national news. I'd read the accounts, but never made any personal connection. I knew vaguely of the peace officer - I know that she ran a boarding stable just outside of my hometown. She moved there long after I left.

I left home right after graduation from high school - quite literally the next day. So I don't think of people by their married names, so when I read this story a few days ago, I never made the connection. Today I was perusing the obits in my hometown paper and I still didn't recognize the name, but continued reading until I came to the parent's name and took another look at the photo. I went through school with Julie. A kinder, dearer person one could never meet. We ran in the same circles, not close with each other, particullary, but had a lot of close friends in common. She worked in the hometown grocery store - had since she was 15 years old. So I made it a point to see her every time I went home. In fact, many times she was the first person I saw that I knew in town. I always made it a point to check out in her lane and visit a little bit. And she would always make it a point to tell others that we knew that she'd seen me and that I was in town for a while.

Moving South

Looks like Ike has moved south and won't be a danger to Galv. So far, the big boat hasn't published an altered course, so I guess it's still business as usual. I hope they are having a good time.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

End of August Report: Late

I exercised 24 days in August. Go me.

I logged my food 29 days in August. Go me.

I don't like Ike

My kiddo is on a big boat right now. She's scheduled to return on Saturday. If things go as predicted, their new car, parked in the lot along with all the other boaters, will be swamped. I don't know how/when they will get home.

Up another half

My body is just not responding the way it used to. This up and down stuff is just crazy. Oh well. I know I'm doing the good things and it will eventually let go of whatever it is it's holding on to.

Work is troubling me in a big way and I'm quite unsure as to how to respond with integrity. The manager of our technical support team said some things to me in a meeting a week or so ago that still leave me drawing my breath in sharply from the pain of some of his remarks. Part of this ties in very strongly to the fear of having been with the same employer for so long that one becomes so stale or entrenched or "we've always done it this way" that one becomes irrelevant. I have this discussion with my boss on occasion, as he is another long-timer and we agree to watch out for this in each other. To have a man fifteen years my junior basically tell me that his problems would be solved if I would only retire has left me a bit shell-shocked. Turns out, he considers me to be the problem in our area not being happy with the support we receive from them. I demand too much and require too much from my "team".

Turns out they are shifting from an analyst model to one of interchangeable heads-down coders and not wanting to really admit it. They are cutting back on face to face meetings, as they are a waste of time. They don't want their "analyst/developers" to spend any time learning the functional side of things and the reason they aren't fulfilling their support requirements is they have to do too much of the functional support for me. Whew. None of the other areas require/demand so much.

Funny thing is, I considered me/our area to be the leaders in innovation and support for our constituents. Obviously, there is a mismatch here somewhere. I just have to decide where it is. And I'm struggling with this. My boss is incredibly supportive, which is awesome, but I've taken a body blow here and can't really decide if it is deserved or not. And the "I'll show you" strategies that are playing in my head aren't doing much good either. In any case, I'm struggling with this and will continue to do so for some time and it's bleeding all over everything. Poor Bick.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Act with integrity.


Monday, September 8, 2008

1.5 bounce. Down 12, 8 to go

Weekend was nice. Bick took pity on me and finished out the trim painting on the pavillion. I spent a lot of time sleeping this weekend, both sleeping late and taking naps. Don't know what's up with that, but I'll take it.

Didn't go to run school on Saturday. Well, I went, but managed to pop a blister right off the bat, and no one had a bandaid, so I came home, got doctored up and just went back to the Jesus Gym for some treadmill/elliptical time. Did the same thing on Sunday.

Ran out to Reata South on Sunday morning to take inventory for the next project, which is to close in a portion of the barn. Shouldn't be too bad. Weekend job, I think.

Take good care. Be kind to others. Put a bandaid on it.


Friday, September 5, 2008

Florida, Here I come

I just booked my flight to spend a long weekend in the Tampa area with an old friend - my ski buddy. I'm looking forward to it.

Watch out, NJ and CA - you are next!

Take good care. Be kind to others. Start living the life you imagine. (Stolen from Zandria).


In a puddle

Spin class today was a killer. Small puddles of sweat formed beneath my bike. To clean up, I practically had to mop the floor. I'm not sure that this bodes well for run club tomorrow.

I'm thinking about hanging in town after work to attend a free concert. Bick has no interest in going, but I think I might try to go.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Mop up.


Down 13.5, 6.5 to go

Well that came out of nowhere. Looks like the bouncing around will continue, although it seems I always seem to weigh the least on Friday morning.

I've got a spin class on tap for today and then an outdoor run in the park with run school on Saturday morning.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Hang tough.


Thursday, September 4, 2008

Down 11.5, 8.5 to go

We are nearing the end of two weeks of listening to speeches. Lordy, am I tired of the rhetoric.

Today is restorative yoga and I'm so looking foward to it after yesterday's boot camp.

Looks like Barkley won't be coming to visit. He's had a relapse of seizures and will be boarded at the vet's while Guy and Pebbles are doing the cruise thing. In some ways, I am very relieved. So this will free up Bick and I to attend a weekend hot and spicy food festival that we've been eyeing. Should be fun.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Attend a festival.


Wednesday, September 3, 2008

100 pounds lost

Finally! I've regained my 100 pound loss. Actually I exceeded it over the weekend, but I think that was just dehydration from sweating in the sun and painting on the pavillion for hours on end.

Down 11, 9 more to go.

This has been the hardest weight I've ever had to lose or more precisely, I've never worked more dilligently for a longer amount of time for so little a reward. I began to refocus my efforts upon my return from vacation on July 9. Here we are nearly two months later with only one incident of even moderate over-indulgence at the BYOB party back in late July and I've lost eleven pounds. I really did think that when I set the goal of 20 by my birthday (in exactly one month) would be easy to do. Boy was I wrong. Now I am doing this right. I'm not starving myself, but I'm in caloric deficit every day and it shouldn't take this long but it is. The truth is that my body doesn't feel right and it hasn't for some time. Even with the 11 pound loss, I still feel bloaty and not my usual self. Hmmm. Something to ponder.

But on the other hand, I've been sticking with it. I've been working through issues that would have caused me to derail in the past. I'm not using food in an unhealthy way and I'm dealing with whatever emotional issues come up by some other means. Which is progress that far surpasses anything the scale might reflect.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Be diligent.


Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Primed and Ready

It is done. Well, almost. More true to say put a fork in Bick and me and we are done. The car pavillion is caulked, primed and painted. All that's left is some touch with the trim work which I will try to get to next weekend.

The project took far longer and was much more difficult that either of us anticipated. As Bick and I were catatonic on the couch last night at 7:30, he asked "When did we get old"? I don't know when we got old, but after three days of ladder climbing, my ass is dragging. Actually, only my right ass, as I discovered that when I'm climbing the step ladder that I lead with my right leg and follow with my left leg only up to the step where my right leg is placed. Then it's lather, rinse, repeat. So basically I spent three days exercising only my right leg and in this weird sidewise footplacement thing that I do without thought. When I climb the extention ladder, I do so as one would expect, but this weird step-ladder tango has left me lame.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Lean to the left.