Monday, July 20, 2009

This Leg of the Journey


I hit "happy weight" this morning. I'm making this post with a lot more humility and a lot less bravado than I did when I was hitting low marks a few years ago. It's been nearly three years since I was in this weight class. It was at that time I'd reached my all-time low adult weight, but it was an unsustainable weight for me. I still considered myself a successful maintainer, but I had some trouble finding the right balance. And I struggled and bitched and whined about it until the beginning of the 2009. There was more work to be done.

At the beginning of 2009, I really put forth the effort - not to lose the weight, but to think about things in a different way. I would try to focus on the positive things that I would do - eat clean and healthfully, no more starving, I would eat enough food, no more exercise as punishment. I would do fun and different and challenging things, but I wouldn't spend Thursday and Friday dreading the run I "needed" to perform on Saturday. No more wars. I struggled to put down the rope in this tug-of-war that's been going on for years between me and my body.

I don't have all the answers. There is no One-Size-Fits-All solution. We all get here for different reasons and our journey to regain our authentic self must be individual, as well. I still have The Crazy Brain that wants to lead me to ruin - it whispers on me to cut back, to further restrict to get "there" faster, to push harder, that I'm a total slacker. I tell The Crazy Brain to Shut The F Up and try to refocus my attention elsewhere.

On this leg of the journey, I did some emotional/mental health work. Last week I received my One Year chip as a member of CODA. I made some important discoveries about what motivated me in the past, about how driven I was/am by external validation. I was letting my past drive my future. Recognizing this fact has been huge in squashing that inner hunger that I used to over-feed. I've got a different set of tools now. I am both hopeful and grateful and possess more inner-peace and security than I ever have.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Treat yourself with loving kindness.

-Roxie
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pic: Photo taken in July 2006 of me and my first boyfriend. I wore those pants this weekend.

10 comments:

  1. THANK YOU! for lighting the path for me ... this post is so encouraging and inpiring as I share so many issues in common with you and I can see by your example that it's possible to come out the other side of darkness in to the light.
    thank you also for mentioning CODA.
    I, too, am finding it's the crazy head stuff that needed/needs fixing ahead of the weight. For me anyway.
    Here's to putting down the ropes ...
    and congrats on fitting in to the happy weight pants! ;D

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  2. Congrats on your pants! Sorry, I just wanted to rhyme...seriously, I am so happy for you and I love that you *get it* as to what you need to do regarding LIFE (which encompasses weight, exercise, etc.).

    Thanks for sharing your enlightenment.

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  3. This leg of the journey is often the most difficult, I think. Or it has been for me in years past. I'm so happy that you have put in the necessary work and are seeing the fine results!

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  4. How great! Loved the "how I did it this time" story. You inspire me and encourage me.

    Those 12 steps are awesome! They work on so many levels. They are the key to a happy life.

    Thank you....

    P.S. Bick is SO MUCH cuter then that guy.....lol...you look smokin' in the pants!

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  5. I am cracking up! He was my first kiss when I was 13 he was 18. He was smokin hot back in the day - he was a high school wrestler, which was a big deal where I came from. He's a helluva nice guy and we've been friends forever.


    I probably wouldn't have given Bick a second look in high school - funny how things change.

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  6. AH yes...the high school wrestler....sigh. Big deal where I come from as well.

    Glad I could make you laugh! LOVE

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  7. In those pants, you look like you could take on anything that comes your way. Congrats on reaching your happy weight, Roxie.

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  8. Those pants, that pose - makes you look tough as nails. I am starting to appreciate where you are and how you got there. I am starting the struggle that you've seemed to begin to piece out. I found it hella easy to lose the weight initially. What I've completely missed is the lifestyle changes necessary to allow one to stay there AND maintain ones sanity at the same time. Thanks for lighting the path Rox.

    ps - Bick's one very lucky guy. He knows that, right?

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  9. Yeah, that is not the body of a total slacker!! Congratulations Roxie!

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  10. Look how confident and proud you look! And those pants! How awesome that you can wear them again.

    You are a calming soul to me, Roxie. You always know how to make something into a positive...I love that about you.

    Congrats on making it to this leg of the journey!

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We'll try this for a while.