Monday, July 20, 2009
This Leg of the Journey
I hit "happy weight" this morning. I'm making this post with a lot more humility and a lot less bravado than I did when I was hitting low marks a few years ago. It's been nearly three years since I was in this weight class. It was at that time I'd reached my all-time low adult weight, but it was an unsustainable weight for me. I still considered myself a successful maintainer, but I had some trouble finding the right balance. And I struggled and bitched and whined about it until the beginning of the 2009. There was more work to be done.
At the beginning of 2009, I really put forth the effort - not to lose the weight, but to think about things in a different way. I would try to focus on the positive things that I would do - eat clean and healthfully, no more starving, I would eat enough food, no more exercise as punishment. I would do fun and different and challenging things, but I wouldn't spend Thursday and Friday dreading the run I "needed" to perform on Saturday. No more wars. I struggled to put down the rope in this tug-of-war that's been going on for years between me and my body.
I don't have all the answers. There is no One-Size-Fits-All solution. We all get here for different reasons and our journey to regain our authentic self must be individual, as well. I still have The Crazy Brain that wants to lead me to ruin - it whispers on me to cut back, to further restrict to get "there" faster, to push harder, that I'm a total slacker. I tell The Crazy Brain to Shut The F Up and try to refocus my attention elsewhere.
On this leg of the journey, I did some emotional/mental health work. Last week I received my One Year chip as a member of CODA. I made some important discoveries about what motivated me in the past, about how driven I was/am by external validation. I was letting my past drive my future. Recognizing this fact has been huge in squashing that inner hunger that I used to over-feed. I've got a different set of tools now. I am both hopeful and grateful and possess more inner-peace and security than I ever have.
Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Treat yourself with loving kindness.
pic: Photo taken in July 2006 of me and my first boyfriend. I wore those pants this weekend.