Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Ugly

It's been a roller coaster of emotions around here lately and I'm looking for the barf bag. The good stuff - Pebbles and Slater, obviously. I do think they are rushing things - but I certainly cannot foretell the future.

I hesitate to write about the ugly as I've been trying to shift my focus from such things over the past few months. I don't want to wallow or whine. What I want is a different relationship and I am never going to get it. I just need to deal or not deal with the hand I've been dealt.

The ugly - the ugly has been perking for several weeks and I've been trying to ignore it, process it, let it be. But it keeps coming back. It turns out my recent new car purchase has really stirred up my mother. For a week prior to the car deal, I would get calls telling me that I was making a mistake.

"Everyone needs a truck. I need a farm truck. I guess I'll trade in Bling (Lexus SUV) and get a truck."

"What is going to happen if Bick leaves you? Where will you be then? How will you manage without a truck?"

"Your cousin Mark says you are crazy to get rid of that truck. Says he wouldn't do it."

Post purchase calls.

"How much did you have to pay?" ) "So, what did you put down?" "How much are your payments?" "Jeff only paid $xixixx for his Malibu, how much more did you have to pay?" "You haven't really told me how much you paid?"

"I've heard the swine flu is going around your workplace. Be careful. It'd be a shame for something to happen to you since you just bought a new car."

Then last weeks calls.

"Since you have the money to buy a new car, you can afford to fix some things around Reata South. I know the board fences don't matter to you, but they are looking pretty ratty."

"I think it's a shame that you live in finery with Bick and work your tail off up there and just leave this place to fall down."

"I want to buy your house. There's so much that needs doing and you are obviously not going to do it."

Then the topper -

"I need to borrow some money. Where are you? Why aren't you answering your phone? I need the money by noon today."

Now the rational and sane among you are like WTF, Roxie? Those of us who were raised to put someone else's (guess who!) needs in front of their own and to be responsible for THEIR happiness, dealing with this crap just ties me up in knots. Yes, I'm working through it and I am trying my best to behave as an appropriate adult with sensible boundaries, but today I understand why people snap.

I keep "shoulding" myself on this one. I should do this, I should do that. I should be able to take the highest road.

Last night I ate myself into a popcorn-induced coma and today I nearly snapped somebody's head off at the swine-flu emporium. I'm going to the gym.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Know when to call in the pros.

puffed up like a dead possum.


  1. (((hugs)))

    Hope the good outweighs the bad and ugly soon. It all sounds a bit much.

  2. I'm so impressed that you continually choose to exercise when things get to you. You are my hero.

    I've been mulling and rereading your post about the couch sitting for days now... "I lived in that big old LazyBoy - watching TV, eating junk and letting my world collapse around me." This is where I've been at for about 3 years now. No more tears about it and time to get off my couch!!

    Thank you!!

  3. Sweetie,

    So sorry this is happening to you. I have never had to deal with this kind of thing with either of my parents while they were alive. I am just throwing out what I wished I 'would" do if it were happening to me.

    Honesty is the best policy. Sometimes you have to "nut up" and tell people what you really think. In a nice way of course. Maybe telling her how you feel, it will allow you to just let it roll off your back.

    You Mother has probably been like this your entire life...right? You aren't going to change her, for sure.

    I can only imagine the frustration that you're going thru. This coupled with the "big announcement" is stressful. I am not even her mother, but I thought it was kind of fast too. I commend you on being tight lipped about that one. I would be making her hate my guts right about now. Cause I cant keep my mouth shut.

    I have learned that your kids know more then you think they do. Something I think your mother has failed to realize. Too bad.

    Have you told Mom about Pebbles getting engaged? I hope she deosn't make that a living hell for you.

    I should have just emailed. I didn't mean to be so long.


  4. McButter Pants has got it - You aren't going to change her. However, you have changed you. She's got her own issues with money which you cannot resolve for her (even if a nagging, unhealthy voice tells you that you "should"). The phone calls are simply the reverberation of her own issues.

    I understand that you want a different relationship with your mom. Perhaps consider the victory that you created an entirely different relationship with your own daughter.

    You're doing great. Stay strong.

  5. Ugh to what your mom is dishing out. Don't you just want to scream "I'm 40-something years old, I think I can make a rational decision about buying a car!" - or is that just me? I've got nothing more than "boundaries" but I know you're working on that, so I'll send you a hug instead.

  6. Both my parents butt into my business fairly regularly, but they're generally okay if I just hear them out. I don't mind giving them the time because sometimes they're right. (Except for hideous bedspreads my mother insists are *perfect* for my guest room. Each one's worse than the one before.)

    I wish you strength in getting through this. Try to keep in mind that popcorn isn't going to make her hush. I know it's tough.

    If it helps, tell her Cammy said she *loved* her Malibu. And a friend of Cammy's is on her SECOND Malibu, because it was such a great car. :)

  7. I'm so sorry to hear you're having to put up with all this hassle. Such a shame that some people have a problem accepting that other people have their own life, and make their own decisions. I suppose its possible that she is actually trying to express concern for you with some of the things that she says... or maybe she's actually envious that you've managed to make so many changes to yourself and to your life. Either way, as you say, you can't change the relationship single-handed, just remember that you're a strong person capable of amazing self-transformation - you've done so much without her support, and maybe you just have to accept that that support is something she isn't capable of giving you :-(


We'll try this for a while.