I haven't been posting, as I haven't had much to say. I'm experiencing a lot of sadness right now. It's not depression, so that's very good. It's just plain old run-of-the-mill sadness and grief. I think I'm working my way to acceptance.
I feel, as I've said before, that what I'm doing, what I'm feeling, is important. That somehow this is where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be feeling and learning. It's just that it takes all my energy to be in the moment and I haven't had any to share. My apologies. I don't see it changing for a while. I'll leave a comment or two, but that's about all I can muster right now.
For me to sit and feel is contrary to all of my codependent and addictive tendencies. This is not how I've chosen to handle emotional situations in the past. This is new. The legal issues that I've been dealing with appear to be wrapped up as of Monday and I took an emotional beating on that one. I did learn some new and valuable lessons, so this is good. I prevailed and handled myself with ethics intact, dignity, compassion and professionalism, but it still left me pretty tender and prone to tears. There's no victor in these situations.
I'm learning to deal with my tendencies to have obsessive thoughts, to think compulsively, to have fantasy conversations in my head where I somehow manage to find the PERFECT thing to say to bring about lasting change, or the last word, depending upon my mood. Ah, the fantasy life of the terminally unique. LOL. So, as I've said, I feel I'm doing good work right now. I feel I'm making progress against my personal demons, and although it's the right thing, it doesn't make it easy.
I am practicing good self-care with loving kindness. I'm deep breathing. I'm reading. I'm going to the gynm. I'm eating well (a little much on the weekend) and this was not the weekend to see WTWTA - highly disturbing to me personally. Happy ending, my fat ass. I am, however, avoiding the scale as my body is the bellweather for my emotions apparently and wants to hold on to everything. Read that as TMI, but it will all even itself out eventually.
And I'm also trying to kick my drama-queen to the curb and extinguish her need for external validation -so I'm not trying for martyrdom here. On Monday, The Grand Beast, Pebbles' beloved dog was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He's lost vision in his right eye and has been given a very short timeline. We are all heartsick at the news.
Bick is in Houston, caring for his ailing mom, who appears to be doing well from her pacemaker implantation. I don't know when he will be back home.
So there it is. I'm here. I'm learning and growing and grieving. All of these things are healthy and natural. And as any old cowgirl will tell you, if you want to avoid getting kicked, stay close to the horse. So I'm leaning into the pain and staying close to the horse's ass.
May we all live in peace.