Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Getting Grounded

I haven't been posting, as I haven't had much to say. I'm experiencing a lot of sadness right now. It's not depression, so that's very good. It's just plain old run-of-the-mill sadness and grief. I think I'm working my way to acceptance.

I feel, as I've said before, that what I'm doing, what I'm feeling, is important. That somehow this is where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be feeling and learning. It's just that it takes all my energy to be in the moment and I haven't had any to share. My apologies. I don't see it changing for a while. I'll leave a comment or two, but that's about all I can muster right now.

For me to sit and feel is contrary to all of my codependent and addictive tendencies. This is not how I've chosen to handle emotional situations in the past. This is new. The legal issues that I've been dealing with appear to be wrapped up as of Monday and I took an emotional beating on that one. I did learn some new and valuable lessons, so this is good. I prevailed and handled myself with ethics intact, dignity, compassion and professionalism, but it still left me pretty tender and prone to tears. There's no victor in these situations.

I'm learning to deal with my tendencies to have obsessive thoughts, to think compulsively, to have fantasy conversations in my head where I somehow manage to find the PERFECT thing to say to bring about lasting change, or the last word, depending upon my mood. Ah, the fantasy life of the terminally unique. LOL. So, as I've said, I feel I'm doing good work right now. I feel I'm making progress against my personal demons, and although it's the right thing, it doesn't make it easy.

I am practicing good self-care with loving kindness. I'm deep breathing. I'm reading. I'm going to the gynm. I'm eating well (a little much on the weekend) and this was not the weekend to see WTWTA - highly disturbing to me personally. Happy ending, my fat ass. I am, however, avoiding the scale as my body is the bellweather for my emotions apparently and wants to hold on to everything. Read that as TMI, but it will all even itself out eventually.

And I'm also trying to kick my drama-queen to the curb and extinguish her need for external validation -so I'm not trying for martyrdom here. On Monday, The Grand Beast, Pebbles' beloved dog was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He's lost vision in his right eye and has been given a very short timeline. We are all heartsick at the news.

Bick is in Houston, caring for his ailing mom, who appears to be doing well from her pacemaker implantation. I don't know when he will be back home.

So there it is. I'm here. I'm learning and growing and grieving. All of these things are healthy and natural. And as any old cowgirl will tell you, if you want to avoid getting kicked, stay close to the horse. So I'm leaning into the pain and staying close to the horse's ass.

May we all live in peace.


Love, Roxie

10 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such a bad time right now - I really wish I could think of something clever or meaningful to help you deal with it all - but of course I can't. It sounds like you are making amazing strides in dealing with negative tendencies and accepting the feeling that you're having - the need to work through them - and the lessons they are teaching you - without falling into old traps and comforting, familiar but ultimately unhelpful coping mechanisms. Especially as you're having to deal with it alone at the moment - why do bad things always happen all at once?
    As I can't think of anything comforting to say, I'll just have to settle for sending you some virtual hugs, sympathy, and warm thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hugs to you. Working through feelings is hard, but it always feels good to come out on the other side.

    Be good to yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm proud of you for owning your feelings and starting a new path. Sorry to hear you're so down though.

    ReplyDelete
  4. A lot on your plate indeed... Your acknowlegement of the issues at hand is amazing, and in my eyes your light years beyond!! Hang in there, and continue to "feel the feelings!" It's all you can do, huh? And before you know it... :)

    I'm so sorry about the doggie, so, so sad. My heart breaks for you all.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am so sorry about the dog. He looked like a sweetheart. And you aren't the only one who has imaginary conversations...I have whole arguments with my mil that MIGHT happen. I use my walks for this purpose. That way, I can say the things I want to say without ever saying them to HER. People probably think I am a mental patient as I wander by muttering to myself. Keeps me sane though.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You are learning to not stuff everything and THAT is wonderful. Have your feelings, wallow in them for a bit, then be done. You'll know when.

    So sad to hear of the Grand-beasts cancer. Hope he can be kept comfortable.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm so sorry to hear about the Grand Beast. It makes me very sad for all of you.

    Roxie, I admire your ability to keep your head about you. Such wisdom in your post. I learn so much from you about getting through the stuff that happens.

    Take care and even if you don't post, I'm thinking about you and your family and wishing you strength and peace.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sending you a hug all the way from Phoenix.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Grief is difficult. Do what you need to do and take good care.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Your post brought tears to my eyes, Roxie. It hurts to see you hurting and vulnerable.
    Vulnerable not because you're weak but because you're so strong.
    Because we're so similar in emotional makeup (we seem to be anyway) I'm learning a lot from you.

    external validation ... now that's something I'm working on now with mixed results. I always go about getting rid of bad habits the wrong way. I can't even do that right. lol
    jealousy is next on the agenda. I'm surprised I'm not green.

    I'm so sorry to hear about the GrandBeast. Such a gorgeous dog.

    It's good to hear that Bick's mom is doing better and that her surgery went well.

    Are you able to be doing this process because Bick is away and the distraction of another being around isn't there?

    I wish you nothing but the best, Roxie. I hope you know that. <3

    ReplyDelete

We'll try this for a while.