Monday, January 25, 2010

I Hold These Truths

Over the past week or so, I've found myself wandering over to take Bick's inventory for him. "If only he would" this or that. And some of that is to be expected, certainly considering the disappointment in all of this. But the danger is me putting my life on hold to see what he will do instead of focusing on the things I need to be doing, the personal inventory that I need to be taking.

By focusing on what he's doing, I'm allowing his actions to dictate my life and happiness. Not that he's trying to do this, but that's what happens when I allow my mind to drift too much - other things develop too much power over my life. I am largely responsible for my own happiness and when I give over the control to someone or something else, then I feel less happy very quickly. Codependence in action, that is.

I've fallen by the wayside food and exercise-wise, but my plan is to stem that bad tide today, at lunch. Other good things include trying to schedule a mani and pedi, to get my hair colored (couldn't get an appt yesterday) and to get out and about, I'm going to a wine tasting for residents in my development. I'm looking forward to that.

I think I'm going to have to call in the professional carpet cleaners to get my carpets cleaned. I'm afraid of the residue left over on a d-i-y job, so that bill will go to my darling daughter - as for the lost stuff, well, that's just lost, but this will be an out-of-pocket expense that she needs to cover and she will.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Don't give away your power.

-Roxie
154.5

5 comments:

  1. I know all about taking other people's inventories. You clearly recognize the pitfalls of keeping your focus on him rather than keeping your own side of the street clean. I think you sound very wise and aware of your tendencies. And awareness is huge, because without it, you can't change much.

    Having a large dog who has at times wreaked havoc in our house, (mostly scattering trash and tissues everywhere, and occasionally eating a whole loaf of bread with the wrapper if it's left out) I could resist reading of TGB's rampage and the list of destroyed items to my husband. He got a good laugh, but also gave a sympathetic and knowing groan. I hope you enjoy the good activities you have planned.

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  2. I do the same thing sometimes - 'if only he would' whatever. I find for me I don't just forget about what I need or what I need to do, but it also can lead to me badgering the other person to do what I want, coming across as a nag, and then being frustrated by the fact that nothing changes. I just find it hard to care for someone showing self-destructive behaviour and not want to help. Or maybe I'm just a meddler!
    Its never too late to get back on track anyway - and it sounds like ou have some nice pampering treats planned that should put your focus back where it belongs - taking care of you!
    I sympathise on the dog rampage. My mum once lost a brand new pair of shoes to a bored border collie. The dog was lucky to survive - not because my Mum had violent tendencies but because the dog also devoured several chocolate Easter eggs that we thought were safely out of her reach... a scary moment that, as she was a very lovable dog in ever other way!

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  3. I had insight similar earlier this morning. I asked my ex if he missed me and got no response. Then I was embarrassed for asking. Why did I try to sabotage myself by asking *him*? I've been fine/coping well enough, not thinking about him or "giving away power."

    A bit later after I reminded myself that he is emotionally unavailable, a clod, and has no authority over me. I have no idea why I would ask him anything, I envisioned myself a rocket and him the exhaust. And left him on the launch pad.
    I hope you get back on track asap.
    You know I once weighed 350+? I read your post over at Shelley's. I had no idea you were weighty.
    ;-)

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  4. I've been in relationships like that. I wish you the best in coming to terms with it all. It is wise to take care of yourself and your own happiness. It's surprising what happens when you do.

    Hope the stains come out.

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  5. Oh so been there done that. I'm with every comment above...
    Glad you are planning some personal self things like the mani and pedi. They are feel good things.
    I booked a massage for Friday :)

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We'll try this for a while.