Sunday, January 31, 2010

The Long Goodbye

It's nearing the time to yank off the band-aid. Our inability to say goodbye to one another is leaving us both in limbo. Well, me in limbo - I cannot speak for him. I'm just trying to avoid the pain of missing him and I suspect he's just trying to avoid thinking that he's really alone. January is coming to a close with no action on his part. We've got a couple of outings coming up in the next week or so and then it's time that we go incommunicado for a while. I don't want to know what he's doing or not doing - it's not good for me to worry about it. What I don't know won't hurt me.

I guess it comes as no surprise that alcoholics routinely disappoint people, but what this really is is about my ability to say and mean that I want more. I am worth more - that I'd rather have nothing than to settle for what we had. And to be okay with my decision when it gets really tough, when I am really craving validation, when I'm tempted to pop back in for an ego stroke. That is my character flaw, not his. But trying to avoid pain is no way to live life. Avoidance is just another crutch, for me, at least.

I've been trying not to dwell on outcomes, but just live each day as it comes. So I'm not going to take any action on this today. But my gut is leading me strongly in this direction - I just need to make sure that I'm doing it for me and not in some attempt to manipulate him. I need to fully understand my motivation before taking action here.

Enough of that. I thoroughly enjoyed SnuggleBunny Sadie. She loved taking the stairs down to the dog area (and avoiding catwalks and elevators) and we have a great time! Except for having to take my laptop back up to Denton because it was chockful of virus' again - I'm not surfing for porn or going to any weird websites or opening any unknown mail. I don't know how I keep getting reinfected. I've got a new anti-virus on there now that's giving me notices, I just don't know enough about them to know. And I know we all read each other's sites and I'm the only one getting infected - I know I got pinged when going to a fellow blogger's site - perhaps it is safer to read strictly in reader without going to the site? Don't know how all of this works, but it is damned frustrating - took most of my day yesterday, with Sadie in the car, making two trips to Denton, as I wasn't going to pay for something AGAIN that I just paid for two weeks ago. Grrr.

I've some fun on tap for today. I'm going to meditation then probably on to church service. Pebbles and Slater are coming over and taking me to brunch (NO DOG) then we are going to a fundraiser at a local micro-brewery to benefit cancer research. Should be a good day.

I'm getting ready to hit the gym this morning then it's off to start the day.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Avoid crutches.

-Roxie
153.5

12 comments:

  1. Such big changes and hard decisions you have had to make in these past weeks. I am full of admiration at your bravery. *Hugs*

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  2. What a great day you have planned!

    Sounds like you have your head in the right place on the relationship. . .stay strong. This is the hardest part, it will get easier.

    <3
    Sandy

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  3. Oh! On the virus thing. . . do you use social networking sites like Facebook. . . I find that often infects my computer. . .don't accept any "smiles" or "hugs" or stuff like that via facebook. . .

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  4. I am sorry that you are going through all of this. My thoughts are with you.

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  5. Yes, Facebook is nasty sometimes. If you suspect, don't open it.

    I'm with Helen and Sandy, you've had some pretty big changes and made some hard decisions lately. I think you are right in taking your time and making sure the decision is best for YOU.

    Have a great day Roxie!
    Sandra

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  6. You sound like you are headed in the right direction. I think you are about the wisest person I know. Always able to see things in a clear light. I know you will do what is best for Roxie.

    I agree with everyone that Facebook seems to be the worst at passing on viruses. My mom (yes, she's 75 and does facebook, lol) just had her machine cleaned up and a new anti-virus installed. Don't use the free anti-virus and spyware stuff. It sends you false messages to install updates that are really viruses. Nothing is free, right?!

    Have a great time with the kids!

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  7. I love how you take your own inventory. I try to do the same. Taking responsibilty for your own choices makes us better people.

    We are all responsible for our own happiness. I heard you loud and clear on the avoidence thing. We both know I do that....real well. Having an extra 75 lbs to hide behind made that really easy.

    I hope it's not my blog that is causing the computer problems. Your day sounds wonderful. Hope it was great.

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  8. Roxie..........what can i say??? That hasn't already been said?? You put the line in the sand and the winds of change haven't blown in your favor. For that i'am so so sorry. As deep down i'm sure you were hoping he would have a revelation and change his ways. I think if anything were to change its gonna happen when you go incomunicado. Absense can make the heart go either way and you truly haven't been absent. Time will tell. And thats the tought part isn't? I'am in awe at how you've been able to go on with your life instead of being a miserable, blubbering mess. You are so strong Roxie. I pray with all my heart you are rewarded in the end either with Bick, or a happy , fufilled life without him. JInx!

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  9. Perhaps a Mac is in your future, yes?

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  10. Someone famous (besides my high school gym coach) once said ". . . and above all else, to thine own self be true." That dear Roxie, you've got in spades. You're working a really solid program.

    I left you (or will leave you) a quickie review/opinion on "It's Complicated" back in my blog thingy.

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  11. I don't have any relationship comment that hasn't already been said by wiser people, but I'm sending positive thoughts and good vibes and rubbing my lucky German Shepherd's foot. (Even though it bugs her when I do that. I told her it's for a good cause.)

    I work for a computer software company; in our lab we have dozens of computers testing software. These computers aren't hooked up to outside networks, but even so the virus problem has been escalating dramatically lately. It's not just you. They're getting sneakier!

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  12. This will be hard, but you are right, it's necessary. Hugs to you on getting through it.

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We'll try this for a while.