It's nearing the time to yank off the band-aid. Our inability to say goodbye to one another is leaving us both in limbo. Well, me in limbo - I cannot speak for him. I'm just trying to avoid the pain of missing him and I suspect he's just trying to avoid thinking that he's really alone. January is coming to a close with no action on his part. We've got a couple of outings coming up in the next week or so and then it's time that we go incommunicado for a while. I don't want to know what he's doing or not doing - it's not good for me to worry about it. What I don't know won't hurt me.
I guess it comes as no surprise that alcoholics routinely disappoint people, but what this really is is about my ability to say and mean that I want more. I am worth more - that I'd rather have nothing than to settle for what we had. And to be okay with my decision when it gets really tough, when I am really craving validation, when I'm tempted to pop back in for an ego stroke. That is my character flaw, not his. But trying to avoid pain is no way to live life. Avoidance is just another crutch, for me, at least.
I've been trying not to dwell on outcomes, but just live each day as it comes. So I'm not going to take any action on this today. But my gut is leading me strongly in this direction - I just need to make sure that I'm doing it for me and not in some attempt to manipulate him. I need to fully understand my motivation before taking action here.
Enough of that. I thoroughly enjoyed SnuggleBunny Sadie. She loved taking the stairs down to the dog area (and avoiding catwalks and elevators) and we have a great time! Except for having to take my laptop back up to Denton because it was chockful of virus' again - I'm not surfing for porn or going to any weird websites or opening any unknown mail. I don't know how I keep getting reinfected. I've got a new anti-virus on there now that's giving me notices, I just don't know enough about them to know. And I know we all read each other's sites and I'm the only one getting infected - I know I got pinged when going to a fellow blogger's site - perhaps it is safer to read strictly in reader without going to the site? Don't know how all of this works, but it is damned frustrating - took most of my day yesterday, with Sadie in the car, making two trips to Denton, as I wasn't going to pay for something AGAIN that I just paid for two weeks ago. Grrr.
I've some fun on tap for today. I'm going to meditation then probably on to church service. Pebbles and Slater are coming over and taking me to brunch (NO DOG) then we are going to a fundraiser at a local micro-brewery to benefit cancer research. Should be a good day.
I'm getting ready to hit the gym this morning then it's off to start the day.
Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Avoid crutches.