Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Paging Dr. Hartley! Paging Dr. Hartley!
I got a blast from the past yesterday that has really set My Crazy Brain all aflutter. While picking some items for dinner last night, I ran into the dad of one of my oldest Texas friends. We met at my first job when I moved here - back in June of 1979 - so it's a pinch over 30 years. We stayed best/close friends for about ten/fifteen years. Her life took some really bad turns and she became addicted to crack and did two prison stretches. Obviously, there was a lot of drama and I chose NOT to be a part of it. I last saw her about 5 years ago when she dropped by my house. She was out of prison, obviously, and clean and sober. She had just started working in sales for an energy company. I'd often wonder how she was doing, but chose never to look up her family to find out.
Last night, I found out. She's stayed clean and has been cleaning up in sales (she could always sell anything) has bought and paid for her condo here in town. Her dad said she was doing great, would love to get in touch and took down my info. She works out of town for a couple of weeks at a stretch, but has internet connections, obviously. He gave me her email info. And that was that.
Or so I thought. Obviously, having the thought of her back in my life - we'll call her Val - has really triggered some emotional crap for me. Jealousy? Feelings of inadequacy? Inferiority? I mean bucket loads of this stuff concerning every aspect of my life. The logical part of me knows that she is not judgmental so this is not about her - this is totally about me. Is it because we go so far back that she "knows where the bodies" are buried? Could be - but I'm pretty open about stuff, so it's not like it would be news to anyone if she told everything she knows. Am I jealous? It sort of feels that way, as she has always been very, very beautiful. But I have other very beautiful friends whose physical appearance doesn't cause this?
And it gets pettier - I bet she'll have a nicer car than me! WTF! I do not care about this stuff; it doesn't matter to me (with others at least) why does the prospect of reconnecting with her cause this? I'm guessing it's some sort of a flashback - as we've probably seen each other at our very worst. We've never shared a value system and it's never bothered me before, why now.
In any event, I'm following my new philosophy - "Don't just do something, sit there" until I can get a grip on what's going on with me here because I am not prone to bouts of this stuff. Lots of my friends have more/do more/more beautiful/more successful and it doesn't change how I view me or my life. And it's not like she was/is a "frenemy" nor do I think her toxic. This is just strange.
And I'd forgotten how much I loved The Bob Newhart Show. I think Suzanne Pleschette was about the coolest woman ever.
ETA: I chose NOT to be a part of the drama. Sheesh.