Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Passages

Here's a picture of the hallway outside The Closet. I think all the units on this row are filled, save the one beside me. I promise to take and post some pictures of the interior when I get it done. It's pretty close. I've got a couple of spots that need some attention, but other than a couple of throw pillows, I think I'm done for now. The finishing touches, the personal touches will come to me. I don't have to go looking for them.

One of the (obvious) things that has occurred to me recently is that I, 1. have pretty much spent a lifetime of putting other people's needs and wishes ahead of my own and 2. I have a habit of denying myself anything that costs money (save travel). These two things became obvious based upon a couple of occasions. The first one had me in Marshall's, carrying around a $12.99 frying pan trying to decide if I should spend the money on it. I carried that damn thing around the store for twenty minutes before putting it down and leaving empty handed. I decided that I really didn't "need" it. And while that my technically be true, I have a one-egg sized frying pan, it's certainly not going to serve my needs for any length of time. The second incident is even more telling. I was sitting in The Closet in my sweats, with socks and slippers and a lap robe and I was still cold. I sat there and was uncomfortable but was unwilling to turn up the heat because how expensive would the electric bill be? Honest to god - it's a 500ish square foot place. How expensive could it possibly be?

This got me to thinking that for a lifetime, I denied myself things and even comfort because of someone else's needs, dysfunction, or wants. Now I do think that frugality and thrift ARE virtues, but I can let up a little. I know that much of this is a reaction to the upbringing by a compulsive shopper, being married to a spendthrift and being under mountains of debt for so long. But I can afford a little extra bump in the thermostat and a $12.99 frying pan. It's all in the mindset and getting comfortable - finding the balance.

ETA: I did recognize the fact that I was being silly and turned up the stinking heat...and I did buy myself a whole new set of pots and pans. I was just paralyzed for a little while ;-)

I'm certainly not advocating extravagance as a lifestyle, but a little self-care and allowing myself to think of myself, and myself only, is okay.

Great workout this morning. There were actually two other people in the workout room this morning! Looks like The Closet is getting more neighbors. I did have the distinct pleasure of watching the beginning of Sleepless In Seattle. It made me smile. I would have been singing along with Satchmo during the opening credits, but I wasn't alone in my workout.

I've taken to sleeping in my sports bra at night - it makes getting out of bed and getting dressed for the workout less chilly. And yes, I'm the female equivalent of a never-nude. Plus, I do need to learn how to program my thermostat to kick up the temperature at getting-up time.

I'm scheduled for this workout today: TNT (Tone-N-Tighten) – This is the ultimate resistance training workout. It will utilize dumbbells, body bars, tubing, and bands for a full body burn. I'm going, but I plan to take it really easy. I do not want an injury.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Be selfish if you need to be.

-Roxie
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10 comments:

  1. Selfish is necessary. In order to be able to take care of others, we must take care of ourselves first.

    Forgiving yourself is important too.

    And for gods sake, turn up the damn heat!

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  2. I can understand being worried about money, but you have to look after yourself! You could get sick if you don't turn up the heat enough and I'm sure that would work out more expensive and derail your healthy lifestyle plans as well. It IS the perfect time to learn to be a little bit selfish, and if you learn that now it will do you good for the future - even if this proves to be a very temporary stage in your life. After all, you said yourself a while ago that you hadn't been taking enough time for yourself while you were living with Bick, or focussing enough on your needs, didn't you? I've always thought that there's a big gap between selfishly ignoring other people's needs, and the kind of 'self-protective selfishness' that makes sure your own needs are met. Its not an easy line to walk, but it sounds to me like you are erring on the side of neglecting yourself!
    OK, nag over, its only because I care ;-)

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  3. So funny you should mention not taking care of yourself. I am so guilty of that. That's why one of my resolutions this year is to do something every single day for ME. It can be whitening my teeth, painting my nails, or even applying moisturizer. But I'm going to purposefully make an effort to do something for me.

    Good for you! You deserve it. :)

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  4. Great Post! I spent my life being very selfish and full of dysfuntion. LOL

    Like you told me yesterday, it's a journey. Lots of issues behind all that weight. Lots of work to do. Maybe even a lifetime's worth of work....lol. The fact that we are even thinking this way is huge.

    Can't wait for interior pics.

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  5. Thanks Roxie,

    Thanks for wonderful, insightful post. Thank you for your encouraging comment on my blog. Thanks for ...well....being you. I learn alot from you.

    I used to be woefully lacking in self care. I'm better at it now but the tendency to slip back to the old ways is still there. If you knew how many times i've carried an item around the store only to put it down before check out. I always manage to talk my self out of it. But i'll pick something up for someone else. LOL!

    I try to separate my purchases into what i 'like' and what i 'love'. Because i HATE clutter. So if i don't LOVE something its not coming in the house only to be gotten rid of later.

    I'm glad you are taking care of you woman! (((HUGS))) Jinx!

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  6. I can totally relate to putting others first. In fact, I've recently written (I think to you) about my revelation about taking better care of myself when I am alone. I told a man that and he said, "you just haven't found the right man." I was married to the right man for 25 years (died). But this new guy is interested. Ca Ca

    I'm better off alone. I wish I had those virtues you mentioned. I think by not focusing on myself at home, I'd focus on myself at the store. More addiction.
    Great post as always. Love the revelations.

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  7. I have done that exact same thing at TJ Maxx, walking around with something forever and then not buying it. I understand that paralysis so well! Glad you bought a set of pots and pans - I bet every time you use them you will be glad that you did something nice for yourself.

    It's too cold to not have the heat turned up! But I get that too - we have a gas fireplace and the few times each winter when we turn it on, I swear I see dollar bills going up the chimney. It's hard to enjoy something when you look at it that way and I'm trying to change my way of thinking, too.

    As always, great post, Roxie!

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  8. It's a process and just the fact that you stay focused on seeing the red flags amazes me. I've told you this before, but your self awareness is amazing and love that about you.

    The Closet is going to do wonders for your learning of the self care. GO FOR IT!! (with balance of course, as you said)

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  9. Great Post! It took me very long time to think about myself and become selfish. I did for everyone else for so long that I have finally in the last 5 years started to do for me. It's not an easy transition but now that I've made it, I kind of go overboard sometimes. If I want it, I try my best to get it :)
    It's time for you! Take it.

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  10. I can relate. I grew up poor in a big drafty house. "Just put another layer on" became automatic.
    These days, I get up when the alarm goes off. I jump out of bed, run to the thermostat to crank it up a few notches, and then hit the Snooze button on the alarm as I go back to bed until things warm up :)

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We'll try this for a while.