Thursday, January 7, 2010

The Piazza at The Closet

Here's a picture of my morning walk from my building to the other building that contains the workout room.

Feeling a bit better than yesterday. Pebbles came back through town last night and we had dinner and did some planning/shopping. I did find a great deal on some new pots and pans. I'd taken just one small skillet (fry one egg) sized from Bick's and I needed some more. So now I have pretty shiny pots and pans on my borrowed baker's rack. Pebbles came in and took some pictures of The Closet to help me with my desire for a warm, yet slightly sophisticated look for the place. I'm excited to get it finished. We are currently negotiating on paint color for the an accent wall. I don't want to have to pay a ton of money to have the place repainted after I move on.

Got in a good workout on the elliptical this morning. I'm slowly bumping up the intensity of my workouts. Felt good.

Update on Bick: He is not in rehab. He's appears to be more concerned right now about his blood pressure and depression than he is his alcoholism. So he's taking his bp (he's on meds) several times a day with the intention of taking this information to his doc later this month. His plan is to review his bp data, request anti-depressants and "get to feel better about himself" before tackling the drinking. He says he's going to discuss his options with his doctor - he wants and probably needs medically-supervised detox.

This is where I get into trouble. I try to predict HIS future and HIS choices. I just have to let it be. That way is folly for a codependent. He is entirely responsible for his choices and I cannot fix this for him. I'm just trying to stay in the here and now. Pebbles comment about limbo is that I've placed myself in a situation where I am really not getting on with my life if I'm still having any sort of contact with him. That I will not fully move on - not that I want to at this time. I'd really like him to get sober AND deal with his underlying issues.

Bottom line is that I may not be making the perfect decisions right now, but I have the opportunity to make different ones in the future. For now, this is okay. I'm still trying to keep my side of the street clean; giving too much thought to him and our "future" keeps me out of the present.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. I do not have to be perfect.

-Roxie
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ETA: Today is the day I'm coming clean at the office about the recent changes in my life. I've kept things quiet up to now just to let this be about Pebbles, rather than me. My workmates regard Pebbles as one of theirs, as she's practically been raised here. Not fun. But so far, no tears either.

10 comments:

  1. It's tough to let Bick make his own decisions, but that's what has to happen for him to move forward for *himself* , just as you need to move forward for *yourself*.

    {{hugs}}

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  2. Good luck disclosing at work. I can imagine and fully relate to how challening and emotional that may be.
    You are doing great. Only you know what you need and what you are going through wrt you and Bick.
    Thinking of you.
    Hugs!

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  3. I know someone who was taking anti-depressants AND still drinking heavily...let's just say that combination pretty much cancels each other out. Good luck dealing with, well, how you deal with Bick. It's a tough thing to do, no matter which direction you go.

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  4. Your story touches me on many levels. My thoughts are with you. Keep looking forward as you walk that way.

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  5. Well it's tough letting people make their own choices. It's gonna happen when he wants it.

    You're doing fine. Moving out is really the hardest. Now that you are out it's going to be easier to let him make those choices. You can only do your best. I think you already are. This is all still fresh. Give yourself some time.

    Good luck at work. I am sure it will be ok. They love you, right?? Then there you go!

    thinking about you....hugs

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  6. Hard choices all the way around. Good luck in making the right ones.

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  7. You are in a tough situation. It's tough to just walk away from someone who obviously has issues taking care of themselves by their choices - but it is something you need to do to take care of your self. You are doing great - baby steps...

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  8. I'm with the commenter, '45 and aspiring' (and I'd like to be 45 too!) Your story touches me on many levels. My co-de, my clinging, wanting to be able to solve other people's problemos, wishing things could be something else, and trying to be conscious enough to remember to take the middle way through all of it.

    Bick needs to fix Bick. I don't envy his work but then I'm an eggnogfudge addict.

    Though I think it's too soon to separate and go looking at other options. We need time to grieve and grief is a such an individual process even if our loved ones thing we need to hurry up and get on with your lives.
    End of lecture.

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  9. Chasing after Perfection is a waste of time. Good luck on changing what you change and living with what you can't, Roxie.

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  10. We all do the best we can. You, too. Are you giving yourself what you need? Your best is what you're after, not perfection. None of us can be perfect.

    Wish you healing. Once you've done that, then you can move on. :)

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We'll try this for a while.