On Sunday morning. Yesterday didn't turn out as I'd expected, although I guess life never does. I set out to get in about three miles yesterday morning before Meeting, but because I am sssllllooooowwww, it didn't quite work. I got in 2 miles before the clock told me I needed to hit the showers if I didn't want to stank up the group. So I did. I figured I'd come back and get in the mileage later. I was trying to seek a balance between body and soul - yes, my exercise was important, but so was working on my other stuff.
I went to meeting. It was rather dull - topic was service work. After the meeting was over, it was mentioned that no one had signed up to lead meetings for March or April. I've never led a meeting, but made the comment that if I had an opportunity to see what the "meeting leading book" looked like, I'd be better prepared and would feel more comfortable leading. A woman who has been in the program for years and years (actually started this group) stopped her conversation with another person and began listening to mine. She then proceeded to tell me that - well, I'm not really sure what she was saying because I'm still kind of stunned by all of it - what I HEARD her tell me was that I wasn't well versed enough in the traditions to lead a meeting. Now for those who don't know, leading a meeting isn't preaching or teaching, it's merely providing structure to make sure all the required elements are covered. Anyway, I just sat there kind of stunned, not saying anything.
Truthfully, I don't care if I lead a meeting or not. Makes me no difference - I lead plenty, and I do mean plenty of meetings in my work life - I'm not missing any opportunities to show leadership. Leadership I've got in spades. But I do have a couple of things rattling around in my head over this: 1. Most important - How can I not let this incident cloud what has been a very helpful program for me? and 2. What was she talking about? On item 2, if I decide it's important, then I will find an opportunity to ask her to be more clear.
Now to deal with my reaction - because I'm in this program partly to be able to deal with my reactive self - my reactions were usually fire or ice - opposite ends of the spectrum. Now trust me, I'm happier with Ice than my old fire-breathing self, but I'd like to be rocking the middle on this one. To be able to engage in constructive, instructive conversation, rather than just stunned, frigid silence. Both of these reactive states tell me that whatever this was touched someplace where I've a case of arrested development and that I need to work it through.
So I'm working on reframing this incident to see where it takes me. In the mean time, I cried a bit over it, after coming home. I drug out my on-loan bike and hit the road. I went for an hour plus bike ride, came home in a sweat and cried over it some more. Sounds like I needed to cry! That's probably true. I've been feeling a bit fragile and sometimes a good cry is exactly what is needed and it had been a while.
I cleaned up and did a little Thrifting, but found nothing of interest and then went grocery shopping. I bought myself a beautiful salad from the deli counter at the Super Target - grilled chicken breast over greens with sliced strawberries and blueberries - $3.99. Dinner! Score! And somehow it never made it home with me. I've looked in the car, and I know my basket was clean, so I guess it never made it into the cart. I didn't go back to get a replacement. I will take the receipt and explain the next time I go to the store, but it was disappointing.
Today is meditation/church, then Bick and Sadie are coming into town. We are going to brunch and a movie while his carpets dry out. He's having them cleaned this morning. We are seeing the new Bridges movie - the one with the alcoholism theme running through it. Not what I want to see, because I'm living that right now but perhaps it will be the perfect lead in to the conversation that we need to have. We are coming up on three months apart. Where the hell has the time gone?
Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Find the middle of the road.