Monday, February 22, 2010

Weary Kind

Boy, that's me on this Monday morning. I hit the snooze button twice - very unusual for me. I did manage to hit the gym this morning, but lord knows I did not want to. For whatever reason, it just seemed insurmountable this morning - get workout clothes, shoes socks etc - getting it all together seemed just too much - crazy talk, I know. I finally had to apply some logic to the situation and give myself a stern pep talk "Roxie, you know exactly where your workout clothes and shoes are. You know it will take you exactly thirty seconds to get them on. Just shut up and do it." So I did it, even thought I didn't want to. I came back from the gym and made my breakfast to take to work, even though I didn't want to. I took the time to dress nicely, even though I didn't want to and I took a few minutes to straighten up The Closet so all would look serene when I came home, even though I didn't want to.

Yesterday was uncomfortable for me - the movie was very hard for me to watch. I could tell it affected Bick as well. It left me pretty deflated - good movie, but subject matter a little too close to home. And when we got home, I tried to begin a discussion with Bick regarding our situation, starting with the realization that we were three months in and nothing had changed. He told me that he was sorry that he wasn't keeping up with my schedule and he left. I'd hoped for a more meaningful discussion, but I guess enough was said and that he understood that I am not happy with things as they are.

I am working on adding to my activity calendar. I'm looking for some creative outlet - I wish there was some "Stitch and Bitch" stuff going on around here. Something to investigate, for sure. Sorry to be such a downer this morning, but that's how I'm feeling. It's not how I'm acting, however. I'm acting "as if". I'm not making anything worse.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. First, do no harm.

-Roxie

14 comments:

  1. Ah, Roxie, don't go apologising for being depressed today - you've got a lot going on and its hardly surprising it sometimes make you feel down. It does sound like maybe the movie choice was a bit, well, personal, for your situation right now, but it did bring some stuff to the surface that clearly needed saying, so maybe in the long run it will be a positive thing for you both, even though Bick wasn't ready for a proper talk about it.
    It's always harder to feel positive when your body is sub-par, have you been looking after yourself properly - plenty of sleep and good nutritional food? Sending lots of hugs your way, look after yourself

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  2. Sometimes, ok most times I can act "as if" till it really feel the way I act. Did that make any sense??

    Yes, Bick knew what was coming. Best to leave it alone for now. You both know what's coming. I can see why he would want to make a beeline for the door. Postpone the pain.

    love and hugs

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  3. Some days you just have to fake it 'till you make it. I sort of felt that way before I even went to bed last night so I put my running clothes out so I wouldn't have any excuse. There they were waiting for me at 4:15 this morning. Sometimes that helps a bit. As always once I did the run I felt good and was glad I did it.

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  4. That's what this place is for sometimes, isn't it? The old drive by "bitch n ditch". If it helps you to let go of things, take advantage!

    Looks like Bick isn't ready to dive in yet - maybe hoping that time & absence will diminish the appearance of his issues. Looks like that ain't happening, eh?

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  5. I had a smile on my face as I read "but I didn't want to" - I swear some days are like that. Good on ya for DOING everything that you know will make your day better!

    That movie sounds like it was challenging to watch. Must have hit several nerves with Bick - and that, coupled with your talk, may be what he needs to make a change.

    We have a few "stitch and bitch" groups in our area - I did a quick google and found some leads for you:
    http://www.sewdallas.org/home.html
    http://www.dfwstitchers.net/

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  6. You didn't want to go to the gym, but you did. You didn't want to make breakfast, but you did it. You didn't want to dress nicely, but you did it. YOU DID IT! That's success in my book. Some days are harder than others...but remember, we are all wired for success. Sometimes just showing up is enough! Be kind to yourself! You deserve it.

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  7. You have a lot going on. Fantastic that you were able to just do all the next right things, even though you didn't want to.

    Sorry to hear Bick isn't buying in at this point, but it's good that you were willing to open the door to having a conversation. Hard to have it alone, so you're left with the door flapping in the breeze. Hang in and keep the focus on you for now.

    I can see where the movie would have been rough if you're living it at some level. It was a pretty stark depiction of alcoholism in its ugliness.

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  8. Hey, I just read this great post on crankyfitness.com about letting out your inner crab. Like everyone else, I think you should be applauded for doing it despite not wanting to, and I think you should allow yourself to be crabby.

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  9. You had a tough day yesterday, it's natural you "didn't feel like it" today. But you did, and that is fantastic. You are walking with your chin high and that counts towards alot.

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  10. Roxie! Life, particularly, the human life is never organized and managed the way it should be, but very largely left vulnerable to extraneous influences, observations, relationships and the like. This is because we nurture "ego", "self" and "I" and then we proceed to compare, live in the past memories etc. I too went through the situations like yours and was in shambles! Finally, when I learnt that the truth, that we seek always for all events of our life, lies in a "pathless land", then tremendous change came in. If one tries to find it in a particular route of teachings or reading or learning or discussing, he or she will never get to that "truth". But one may have to look oneself in the mirror of his or her relationship with others; How am I really performing? And, in such an ego-less state what is seen or observed will land you in the midst of truth, without going through any path of advices, teachings, religion or psychiatry, why life has become such a challenge! May I suggest you to spend some time going through, "Commentaries on Living" from the note books of JKrishnamurti, ISBN 81-87326-13-1 and the other two series with the same title? You may not have come across this book, but if you patiently read and probe yourself then what dawns in you will cannot be put in words. I assure you that this book or author is not out to give any formula or guidances but will help you to understand yourself first in your own living first. This opens flood doors to understand the Life as a whole, yours or others!

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  11. I have to put my entire workout ensemble-including shoes, socks and hair elastics-in my bedside stand. I make myself put it on before I can go pee in the morning. hahaha.

    It sounds like you're doing better than that.

    Stitch-n-bitch. I like that. I don't think I've seen it advertised quite that way...but I love it!

    Chin up.

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  12. To quote - WWFD?
    What would Florence Do?
    (Florence Nightengale, that is.)
    First, do no harm.

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  13. Find that creative outlet! They can do wonders. :)

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  14. Good for you for going for your workout, despite trying to talk yourself out of it! (It's bad when even WE don't listen to us!:))

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We'll try this for a while.