Yesterday had me bouncing around like a pinball machine. I've got so much going on inside my head that I was unable to sleep last night. So this morning I am writing it down and letting it go. Then I will get on with doing what's good for me.
Firstly, I am working to create a relationship with my family that works and is safe for me. My initial reaction to this is to avoid, which is an end-of-spectrum behavior common to codependents. I know that this isn't a good strategy for me in the long run, so I try to make the effort to see them in short, fairly controlled ways. A dinner here, a meal there. I want to keep myself from getting re-enmeshed and that requires constant vigilance, because it's where I lived for decades and it's the easiest path to return to. So I'd invited my Mom and sister to breakfast this morning. I needed to go out to the Reata South area for some business this morning anyway. All was well and good until yesterday afternoon. I get a call from my Mom. She'd found the perfect farm truck to buy and would I sign for it/get the financing and she would pay for it (me) over the next few months. I declined, stating that I was uncomfortable further entangling our finances. And she was off to the races. I kept reiterating my boundary and she kept telling me how self-serving I am. I later got an email stating that they would be unavailable for breakfast.
Things that are important for me to remember in this situation:
1. I did what I know to be right for me.
2. I did so in a thoughtful, respectful manner.
3. I did not enable.
4. I did not lecture and I did not argue.
While I know what I did was completely right for me, it still feels uncomfortable. So today, I am sitting in that discomfort right now.
Secondly, and most worrying, Bick went to see his doctor yesterday as his self-described first step. His blood pressure was too high and the Doc doubled his RX. He told his doctor of his depression and his wish to quit drinking and reiterated again the extent of his alcoholism. The doc rxd anti-deps and told him to go to meetings. So Bick said he was going to take his meds for a week with a quit date of next Friday. I think the doc was most negligent. I firmly believe he needs medical aided/supervised help for the first few days, given his history. And I do not know what to do. I mean, I will be there for him/with him, as I don't want him to go through this part alone - it's dangerous. But I am furious with the doc, but I don't know how to handle this. And I am scared. It is not my problem, but I don't want him to die.
So there it is. I went to a meeting last night and I'm going to another one this morning. I'll go out to Johnson county to take care of my business and then I'll come back and either hit the treadmill or hit the trail, depending upon the weather. I need to go shopping, as Pebbles and Slater are coming over for brunch tomorrow. I'll attend church, come home and fix a quick brunch and then we are all heading off to a museum for a bit.
I've been invited to attend a Jazz and wine event on Sunday afternoon, but Bick also invited me up on Sunday evening for dinner. He said he was spending today in contemplation of his upcoming life changes and needed to think some things through. I think I'll head up there to talk with him farther about this on Sunday.
I will use the skills and the tools that I have developed to get through this. I will not eat over this. I will, however, use exercise to help relieve some of the anxiety these situations cause. I will go to meetings and I will pray and meditate. I will journal, here and privately.
Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Hold On.