Saturday, March 6, 2010

PING PING PING Ricochet Rabbit

Yesterday had me bouncing around like a pinball machine. I've got so much going on inside my head that I was unable to sleep last night. So this morning I am writing it down and letting it go. Then I will get on with doing what's good for me.

Firstly, I am working to create a relationship with my family that works and is safe for me. My initial reaction to this is to avoid, which is an end-of-spectrum behavior common to codependents. I know that this isn't a good strategy for me in the long run, so I try to make the effort to see them in short, fairly controlled ways. A dinner here, a meal there. I want to keep myself from getting re-enmeshed and that requires constant vigilance, because it's where I lived for decades and it's the easiest path to return to. So I'd invited my Mom and sister to breakfast this morning. I needed to go out to the Reata South area for some business this morning anyway. All was well and good until yesterday afternoon. I get a call from my Mom. She'd found the perfect farm truck to buy and would I sign for it/get the financing and she would pay for it (me) over the next few months. I declined, stating that I was uncomfortable further entangling our finances. And she was off to the races. I kept reiterating my boundary and she kept telling me how self-serving I am. I later got an email stating that they would be unavailable for breakfast.

Things that are important for me to remember in this situation:

1. I did what I know to be right for me.

2. I did so in a thoughtful, respectful manner.

3. I did not enable.

4. I did not lecture and I did not argue.

While I know what I did was completely right for me, it still feels uncomfortable. So today, I am sitting in that discomfort right now.

Secondly, and most worrying, Bick went to see his doctor yesterday as his self-described first step. His blood pressure was too high and the Doc doubled his RX. He told his doctor of his depression and his wish to quit drinking and reiterated again the extent of his alcoholism. The doc rxd anti-deps and told him to go to meetings. So Bick said he was going to take his meds for a week with a quit date of next Friday. I think the doc was most negligent. I firmly believe he needs medical aided/supervised help for the first few days, given his history. And I do not know what to do. I mean, I will be there for him/with him, as I don't want him to go through this part alone - it's dangerous. But I am furious with the doc, but I don't know how to handle this. And I am scared. It is not my problem, but I don't want him to die.

So there it is. I went to a meeting last night and I'm going to another one this morning. I'll go out to Johnson county to take care of my business and then I'll come back and either hit the treadmill or hit the trail, depending upon the weather. I need to go shopping, as Pebbles and Slater are coming over for brunch tomorrow. I'll attend church, come home and fix a quick brunch and then we are all heading off to a museum for a bit.

I've been invited to attend a Jazz and wine event on Sunday afternoon, but Bick also invited me up on Sunday evening for dinner. He said he was spending today in contemplation of his upcoming life changes and needed to think some things through. I think I'll head up there to talk with him farther about this on Sunday.

I will use the skills and the tools that I have developed to get through this. I will not eat over this. I will, however, use exercise to help relieve some of the anxiety these situations cause. I will go to meetings and I will pray and meditate. I will journal, here and privately.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Hold On.



  1. Roxie - you did the right thing with your mother. The discomfort is from moving out of your comfort zone and not taking the easy way out. Just know that it will be easier each time now to do the same thing!

    Have a great weekend!

  2. Roxie, I'm so sorry you're going through these struggles. Family issues are always difficult. Doing the right thing for yourself wasn't selfish or self-serving. It's sad you're mother doesn't see it that way.

    About Bick, well, not sure what to say there. I know this must be really hard for you. Being a support system for him is a very kind and loving thing to do, but it's also going to be hard on you. I can tell you still love him very much, but again, you need to do what's best for you.

    You are such a sweet lady and deserve much joy in your life. I hope it comes your way soon. :)

  3. Boundaries are hard to set and even harder to enforce; good on ya for actually doing both. As for Bick, what the hell is his doctor thinking, basically telling him to go cold turkey? He most likely needs to be medically detoxed for a few days - you can't drink heavily and just stop...he really could die. If his (stupid) doctor won't refer him to a detox center, can Bick get him to rx Ativan? I believe that is what they use for detox.

    Argh, I feel your frustration!

  4. Roxie, I'm so sorry you have so much to deal with right now. You are definitely handling things the right way though. You have to look after yourself, and sadly that isn't easy to do when other people's wants and needs clash with yours. At least you can be sure that you did your best to minimise the fallout, you didn't fall back into the old patterns that you're trying to escape, and while clearly your mother didn't appreciate it at the time, you didn't do anything to make things worse than they need to be.
    As far as the situation with Bick goes, I am as shocked as everyone else by his doctor's ridiculous and dangerous advice. I really hope that everything works out, I'm afraid I can't think of anything more useful to say. Do keep looking after yourself, we're all thinking of you.

  5. A full plate of life but you probably wish you had different things on your plate don't you. Why is it that Moms can make us uncomfortable, even when we KNOW we are doing the right thing. You ARE doing the right thing by looking out for yourself, don't be convinced of anything else. That goes for Bick's situation too. That is one ball of mess and I know it feels so hard. You deserve many good things, Roxie! I hope you can find peace with these issues soon.

  6. Good luck with all of your upcoming challenges. I don't know the intimates of the situation, of course, but it sounds like you were right on with your mom's situation. As for Bick, I suppose all that *you* can do is be there and be honest with him...

    Best wishes!

  7. i worry about falling into the comfort of my family too much, as well. i want to feel i've done things for myself. I know it will make me happier! but...of course i get the weekly phone call "when you are coming home, mommy misses you!" and i feel the guilt too!
    i also used to have over-eating troubles with anxieties. its great to see you're taking the reins on that! i like how you articulate things, im going to follow your blog :) if you'd like to read me im at

  8. Wow Roxie. I can't believe how mature you are. Your tools are definitely helping you. But, they are also helping me with my life moments. Thanks for sharing.

  9. Roxie - You really have your act together. You did the right thing with your mom. People don't like it when we will no longer become entangled in their messes. You sound amazingly grounded, but I understand the discomfort. It will pass, and going to meetings and taking care of yourself will help it to pass.

    Sounds like Bick needs medically supervised detox, at least. Alcohol is the most dangerous substance from which to withdraw, and alcohol withdrawal can literally be fatal if the level of intoxication has been long enough. Setting a "stop date" is more of the same stuff...putting off what must be done. You can't stop drinking by drinking. Period. All you can do is take care of yourself and suggest the detox. Beyond that, you're powerless over his disease. Hang in there - you really are strong.

  10. Roxie,

    I'm sorry that your mom put you in that situation.....I'm thinking she already knew the answer before she asked.......then one might wonder why did she ask......?? Ahhh what tangled webs we weave....

    Bick....? Could a family member talk to the doctor and question him? The doctor may not talk to you otherwise i would say you could call.Or maybe the person that runs the meetings could inquire??

    Be thinking about you woman.

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  13. I am impressed with how you handled the Mom situation. I probably would've argued. Methinks the guilt & discomfort afterward would be have happened however the situation played out.

  14. Oh Roxie - you do have a full plate, don't you. Like everyone else, I believe you took the right steps with your mom. Your boundary is appropriate. Most important - you are not responsible for her reaction.

    Bick. Support but don't do things he can do. Gah - you know that. Would Bick tell the folks at the meeting he might need medical detox? They surely have more experience and advice from an AA might be better received. The scary part is in making the suggestion and letting it go. You are not responsible for his reaction either.

  15. Oh, Roxie, hugs to you girlie. It must have been so hard to tell your mom no. I don't know if I could have done it. And then facing the worry about Bick, too?! I'm praying for his safety and healing. And for you to be strong through all of this.

    Take care. I wish you peace.

  16. You did exactly the right thing with your mom. Not only right, but brave.

    I'm upset about Bick's doctor too! The problem with most anti-depressants is they can be dangerous if combined with alcohol. So unless Bick has stopped drinking, this was indeed a very negligent thing to do.

    It sounds like you are handling everything well. I'm thinking of you and wishing you peace!


We'll try this for a while.