I made an observation the other day about riding the bus and how it made me nostalgic for junior high/high school bus rides. Dana made a comment about those were painful memories for her. And that got me to thinking that for a long time I believed that about my experience as well - (certainly not making any judgments on Dana's experience here) - it's only been recently that I feel like I can look back and get different, more complete perspective. Yes, a lot of that was painful and for the very reason Dana cited - "Kids can be cruel." But there were also fun times. I'm finding myself looking back and smiling a bit more, rather than cringing.
I also saw a 1978 Monte Carlo the other day and just busted out laughing. I drove a POS like that and felt such shame about it. Parts would just fall off of it - I can't even tell you how bad this car was - and I can finally laugh about it, rather than feel shame. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that we view our own history, our own selves through the lens of our personal perspective and experience and sometimes we are wrong. It's interesting to get a different viewpoint when I let up a bit on the grip my stories/truths had on me. The more I let go of those things, the more new things come to me - in the form of joy and laughter.
Another story that I told myself was that I didn't like people. Turns out, I like people just fine. I like being around people and if I am "open", then people respond to me. I'd created my own experience and created a self-fulfilling prophecy by walking around with, well, I won't call it a scowl, but certainly a "deep in thought" look that really was an avoidance tactic. I used to want to be invisible and now I don't.
It will be interesting to see in how many other ways and in other areas of my life I've been telling myself stories that are no longer true. One fabulous thing about recovery work is that you get to poke and prod around for just those things.
Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Bring your thoughts into the light for some examination.