Monday, March 15, 2010

Tiptoeing Through The Tulips

I'm just writing this entry to help prepare for my afternoon. It's a post to center me and help me visualize what I need to do and where I need to be when I'm tip-toeing through a minefield.

There's a scene at the end of an Arnold movie, where he's walking away and stuff is blowing up and on fire behind him. I feel like Arnold today.

Looks like the Family Acrtic Freeze came pretty quickly to an end as the rest of the family exploded into a free-for-all shouting match on Saturday night that included my Mother, Sister, Aunt and cousin. Gauntlets were thrown down, passed actions thrown up into people's faces and names were called. As it was described to me by my Mom, it was pretty ugly. The bottom line is my sister is getting the worst end of the deal. Her inability to see our Mom with any clarity is causing her to jump in and defend when Mom is really in an indefensible position. And all of this has to do with the family's financial entanglements. Boy, do I look brilliant based upon last week's decision. When all this was being relayed to me, my only response was along the lines of "That's unfortunate" or "I'm so sorry this has happened". I did not jump in. I did not preach. I just let it be.

So here is my dilemma. I am a codie, but working on it. As such, I want to help my sister out with this. But she is so enmeshed in the family, that she can't see her way out. And it's my guilt over her being "left behind" that has kept me tangled for far too long. Backstory, she's almost like a daughter to me. She'll be 35 next month. So she called me this morning and I could tell she's hurting, so I invited her to lunch today. It will be a real test of my recovery to let her own her own stuff. Think good thoughts for me, okay? And her too. I know that she is an adult and is now responsible for seeing her own way through this. She's got me as a "model" if she wants to use it.

My plan is to just listen and do not offer advice unless she specifically asks "Sis, what do you think I should do?" Then I can offer my opinion and let go of the outcomes.

Eating has been on track. I even stared down the chips at a Tex-Mex restaurant on Saturday night and WON! Exercise could be better. I'll have the opportunity to correct that - I started to say today, but since I'm seeing my sister at lunch, it will be this evening.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. I am powerless over people.

-Roxie

9 comments:

  1. Families are hard. I also have a 35 year old sister so I know the feeling of "almost" being a mother. You can do this Roxie. Through your blog I see how clear and strong you can be when you want to. Think of it as self preservation.

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  2. You can do it Roxie. Her problems are hers to work through. The best thing you can do for her is to listen and offer advice (if asked), but not offer to help. Be strong.

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  3. I was pleasantly surprised when I had to do this to my sisters. They didn't need me as much as I thought. What they did ask me directly was unexpected too.

    Sending you strong thoughts.

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  4. not giving our opinion unless it is asked of us is really smart in most circumstances (unless our friend is dating an alcoholic or a situation in which an intervention is necessary)

    IF we give our opinion without it being asked--the person will throw it back in our face if our advice fails them. But if they ask for it--we can always say.. "you asked for it."

    I do, of course, hope your sister has to throw nothing back in anyone's face and that things work out for her.

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  5. What is wonderful about what you're doing is that you are conscious of your behavior. No mindless eating due to stress...knowing that you need to step up the exercise (which you will!) Your posts are so motivating and empowering. Stay calm...don't forget to breathe!

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  6. That sounds so healthy. I hope you are successful at meeting your intentions. Be strong.

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  7. I'll tell you what, I never learned any "lessons" from the people who tried to help me, coddled me and let me cry on the couch for days on end. Who I learned how to stand on my own two feet were the people who said, "Chin up, lets get on to gettin'on!!" And then they did just that and if I wanted to keep up, I had to no longer cry and moan and groan and stay planted in my own misery.

    Listening and NOT giving unsolicited advice will be the best thing for both of you.

    Good luck and good going on the whole "chip" thing! Can't say I was as mindful this weekend!

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  8. I wish you were my sister :). You are strong and so wise. I know that you will offer up what is best. Hang in there. It's okay to shake a little when the earth moves.

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  9. I know lunch has already happened (and been successful) but I just wanted to tell you how much I admire you for staying true to yourself during all of this craziness.

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We'll try this for a while.