Monday, March 29, 2010

Wandering and Wondering


Yesterday was lovely. I headed out after church to walk to, through and from the gardens. It was a gorgeous day and the crowds were out in force. It really was an active, walking meditation. I hadn't had much time to even think beyond what was going on workwise, so some time in the garden, enjoying the flowers and the people was wonderful. The gardens are the backdrop of lots of family portraits, so dressed-alike groups, engaged couples and children were being posed and photographed yesterday. Great fun to see.

I did have a blast from the past, and not in a good way. I ran into my former brother-in-law. He's divorced from my former SIL and it was a bitter, brutal deal. They were that couple that brought their battles public and expected everyone to choose up sides. And in this, she was more guilty than he, but he's always just skeeved me out in ways that I can't put my finger on. Evidently he doesn't live in the area anymore, as when I congratulated him on his new grandson, he hadn't even seen him. Oh, well, not my pig. I dodged all questions as to why I was at the gardens and what was going on with me. Don't want that crazy nosing around my business, for sure.

Also had sometime to think about something that I heard at a meeting recently that has really stuck with me - "I want you to change so that I can feel better". I've been mulling this over and trying to determine how it applies to me. And I think it does, especially in the situation with Bick. While I believe that I've done a decent job of staying out of his recovery, there is a part of this that gives over my power and my RESPONSIBILITY for my own happiness to him and his recovery. And that is unfair to both of us. It's time for me to further adjust my thinking about this as we transition away from being a couple. My happiness doesn't depend upon Bick and while I can and will continue to care for and be concerned about him, as I am about all the important people in my life, his outcomes are his, and they don't control mine. That is my responsibility and I must own it.

Left the gardens and walked to see an AKC dog show. Now I've been to all kinds of horse shows, a few llama shows and I've seen some donkey and mule shows. But other than sheep dog competitions, I'd never seen a dog show up close and personal. And I thought Arabian horse shows were flooofy and puffy. Wow, is all I can say.

Ended up being out for a couple of hours and as it turned out, should have stayed gone longer. Got snacky in POD's "Hominy Oatcake" way. Next time, I need to practice better distraction techniques if I don't intend to snack my way through the day. Good thing there wasn't a drop of chocolate in the house!

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Accept responsibility for all areas of your life.

-Roxie

8 comments:

  1. Sounds like a continuation of Serenity Sunday - your previous post - with the exception of running into the dude. Your blog has a genuine feeling of serenity to me. You thoughts about attaching your happiness to someone else's efforts are so wise. It's hard to achieve that level of detachment - live and let live. But it's the only way to true peace. You sound great, Roxie.

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  2. That whole you = my happiness is such a couple thing. I know I'm guilty of that for sure. Even when attached it's something to work on. Your Sunday, minus the ex-bil sounds lovely.

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  3. I had to learn how to detangle myself from my husband's moods. It's a difficult thing to master.
    I am still working at it.
    Alot of times I actually have to say it out loud.
    I will put my hands up and say "This is your problem, not mine."
    He'll just look at me.
    lol.
    It helps me differentiate.
    That way I don't get anxious.

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  4. Accepting that a person doesn't necessarily want to change is hard...I gave my husband plenty of challenges about that with several of my issues. Eventually I did make changes, but because I wanted to, not because HE wanted me to. Plus, I'm stubborn.

    Oh, wait...this post wasn't about me? LOL. You are doing good to recognize this, my friend.

    I've never been to a dog show, but I've seen them on TV - the owners and handlers look a mite teched. Jes' sayin'!

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  5. Sounds like a lovely relaxing day - I'm glad your unexpected blast from the past didn't spoil it for you!
    I'm definitely struggling with accepting my own responsibility for my happiness. I think you're doing an amazing job at staying separate in some ways without actually detaching altogether and cutting off the caring. And still finding such good ways to live YOUR life while you do it!
    I have no chocolate in my house either, I'm trying to think that's a good thing but right now I could eat my own body weight in sweet things - any sweet things really, but chocolate always wins!

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  7. Sounds like a healthy revelation. Bet we could all use some mental adjusting that way.

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  8. Dog shows remind me of Best in Show. That movie cracked me up. The guy with 2 left feet.....priceless.

    It is kind of scary to me to be responsible for your own feelings. Remember when when I wished I had hubs to blame things on. I went around for along time waiting for someone or something to make me happy. Now I am just waiting for me.

    Great insight my Friend, as always!

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We'll try this for a while.