I bought four huge oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies from a fancy place to serve with dessert last night. Except that we chose not to eat dessert. Or rather dessert wasn't eaten when there were guests here. But after they left, I ate the cookies. All of them. Nearly 1000 calories worth.
I am not wasting the time or the energy chastising myself today. I gave up the self-denigration a couple of years ago. But this was a lesson in my breaking my own rules. Don't bring/allow to stay in the house foods over which I seem to exercise no control.
Even after all of this time, I am not cured. After over a decade, I still do this from time to time. This one was different, however, it wasn't the usual anxiety driven bender. This was the availability bender. Which is really the easiest one to prevent, as I just try to make decisions when they are easy. Cookies should have went home with guests, but I really didn't think of it at the time. And then "Just one can't hurt".
Yes, yes, it can. I am a disordered eater. The specific ilk varies from time to time and I am not "CURED". I'm certainly in recovery (most of the time), but it would be childish of me to flail about and whine because I'm not CURED. I will not ever be cured just like I will never be 5 foot 8. I'd like both, but it's not going to happen and no use getting all tantrum-y about it. I do believe I can change my responses to stress and anxiety, which is the main area that causes me grief. But I invited this one into my house. Complete with a fancy bow.
Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Make decisions when they are easy.