Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Final Four

I bought four huge oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies from a fancy place to serve with dessert last night. Except that we chose not to eat dessert. Or rather dessert wasn't eaten when there were guests here. But after they left, I ate the cookies. All of them. Nearly 1000 calories worth.

I am not wasting the time or the energy chastising myself today. I gave up the self-denigration a couple of years ago. But this was a lesson in my breaking my own rules. Don't bring/allow to stay in the house foods over which I seem to exercise no control.

Even after all of this time, I am not cured. After over a decade, I still do this from time to time. This one was different, however, it wasn't the usual anxiety driven bender. This was the availability bender. Which is really the easiest one to prevent, as I just try to make decisions when they are easy. Cookies should have went home with guests, but I really didn't think of it at the time. And then "Just one can't hurt".

Yes, yes, it can. I am a disordered eater. The specific ilk varies from time to time and I am not "CURED". I'm certainly in recovery (most of the time), but it would be childish of me to flail about and whine because I'm not CURED. I will not ever be cured just like I will never be 5 foot 8. I'd like both, but it's not going to happen and no use getting all tantrum-y about it. I do believe I can change my responses to stress and anxiety, which is the main area that causes me grief. But I invited this one into my house. Complete with a fancy bow.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Make decisions when they are easy.



  1. I like the phrase "disordered eater." Very good way to describe what happens. I really don't believe there is a cure. I do believe you can manage. Most of the time I think you do. I'm glad you gave up self-denigration because you are so much more than eating too many cookies.

  2. Even/especially after losing 100 pounds, we are not cured of the way we think about food. That we are given a daily reprieve, based upon how "right" we are in our minds, is what keeps us going.

    I'm so with you on the aspect of not having that kind of food readily available. It's too slippery of a slope for me to consider having "just one" - the craving is triggered and argh, it's usually not a pretty picture.

    Glad you are moving past without beating yourself up - you are setting such a beautiful example of how to care for yourself, Roxie - thank you for that.

    Hope you have a wonderful day today!

  3. A slip is a slip is a slip. You recognized it, identified the source and know what to do about it. That skipping the self denigrating bit is spot on.

    I have a similar flaw. If there is good, healthy food in stock, I will eat it. However, if there is a morsel of 'bad' food in the house, I will hunt it down and devour it. All of it.

    I have found (like you) that the easiest place to resist poor food choices is at the source. If I leave it at the store I can't eat it later at home.

    In theory.

    Keep rowing.

  4. I am definitely not "CURED" and must keep it out of my house as well. Glad you aren't beating yourself up for it though, you've recognized it and now let it go.
    That's moving forward Roxie!

  5. I hear you big time. I know I will never be able to handle certain foods, no matter how far down the scale I go and how clean my eating becomes. There are foods (cookies being one of them) that I am powerless over, and that won't change.

    I love your term "availability bender". YES. Don't bring it in.

    Thanks for sharing this, because it's nice to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. Each day I don't give in to food is a blessed reprieve!

  6. I love your attitude about what happened and I am as usual impressed with you and your example. Thanks so much for sharing with us.

  7. I had to laugh when I read this. My daughter was over last night and I made the mistake of buying cokies for dessert too. Ate 3. I knew when I bought them it wasn't my best idea. The kids would have been happy with apples...duh!

    Not cured for sure, but in recovery, yes! As usual it's progress not perfection.

    I am not going to beat myself up either. Best to just move on.

  8. I ate 4 cookies yesterday as well! Home-made ones, just to finish them off... Must have been something in the air yesterday... Despite my general grumpiness at the moment I had decided not to go on at myself for slipping up as well. I would have to agree that I'm also not cured of disordered eating, but I guess its enough to just make the slip ups come further and further apart and are smaller when they do happen...

  9. I can really relate to this post though I am not really cured of beating myself up either. When I am cured, I will be ashes. Or vice versa.

  10. I am that way with cookies too. Can't have them around. Other things I'm okay with...even ice cream. But cookies...they are the devil.

    P.S. Glad you are enjoying Poisonwood Bible. :)

  11. No one is immune. Thus, why I avoid cashews & licorice like the plague. At Trader Joe's I avoid the aisle with the licorice in favor of chocolate. I am stronger staring chocolate in the face than licorice.

    The more practice we get at saying no and meaning it, the better we get at it. Never give up! :D

  12. I love good food, I just have to remember to eat in moderation....small moderations.

  13. it's true what you said: you can never fully be cured of an eating disorder of any sort. once you become aware of that sort of thing...it's like a light switch goes on and you can't forget what you saw. I just mean, all the things we see and understand about food and the way it affects us...we can never forget those things.

    it's great though that you're learning to live with it :)
    there are plenty of things we just have to learn to live with

  14. Cookies are the worst. Or the best, depending on your point of view. Donuts are pretty bad. Well cake can also be difficult. Candy? Yikes.

    Yes, its best not to keep it around. or read about it. or look at pictures of it. or read recipes about how to make it....

  15. It's funny, I would have done the same, but I don't think of myself as a disordered eater. To me that's normal. OF COURSE you'd eat the cookies! Anyone would! (Which is probably disordered thinking!) My solution would be the same-- "binge and purge"-- as in get the rest (if any) out of the house. I definitely cannot keep certain kinds of treats around.

  16. Cake is my weakness. Cookies I'm just not a huge fan of. But a good cake? Oh, I'll eat the whole thing before I know what's what.

    Trouble trouble.


We'll try this for a while.