Friday, June 11, 2010

And When We Were Wrong

You really don't want to be me when you grow up. I can be a bad tempered, acid-tongued, throwing things, cut-up-my-ex's-clothes rager. In my past, this was a pretty serious issue for me to overcome. I've got a hair-trigger temper. It rarely flares anymore and I've worked pretty hard at overcoming this. My reaction to these types of triggers is to move away from them as rapidly as possible and not to engage into a situation where I might say or do something that I regret. That's been a pretty good strategy, but it is not fool-proof. And it tripped me up this week. Couple my sometimes bad temper with my amazing ability to leap to conclusions and you basically have me throwing a tantrum.

So when the text message came in declining the lunch invite as I was sitting in church, I read the first lines, got SUPREMELY pissed off and deleted the text. Because I was so angry, I shut off my phone and I kept it off for two days. What I read from the decline was that spending time with me wasn't a priority, that while he was willing to drive across hell and half of Texas, spend time, vacation time and money to sit with a friend for a week, he wasn't willing to drive 35 minutes and go to a vegan restaurant with me and some of his friends.

What he really said and what I didn't read, was that he wasn't interested in going to the restaurant, but would meet up with us afterward and would I call him to let him know when and where? Puts things in a different light, no?

Now as for the other conclusions I drew, those are pretty valid. Most active alcoholics, by their very nature, are a pretty self-centered bunch. I also came to realize that if I wasn't getting all I wanted out of the relationship, it's because I wasn't asking for it.

He asked for an opportunity to make amends and I told him what I needed moving forward. It was probably a conversation that needed to happen long before this point, but I was giving him lots of space to work on his recovery, which he took to mean something else.

I don't know what this means long term. This is still a day at a time deal for both of us, working on our various recoveries. There is obviously room for growth.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. And when we were wrong, we promptly admitted it.

-Roxie
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ETA: I'm quite embarrassed about all of this.

11 comments:

  1. Ouch. Growing up is so painful, and why do we still have to be growing up at our age???

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  2. But you see, grownups do admit when they're wrong. You've got that. And that is a big deal.

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  3. We've all been there...that's why it sucks so hard.
    In the end, there's nothing to forgive.
    Excepts maybe ourselves.

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  4. Sometimes you see things when you're ready to see them. What prompted the realization might have been a mistake, but that doesn't mean the conclusion was incorrect. You're making the call based on several years of experiences. Or you could be completely incorrect. Life is grumpy like that.

    Also, I'd challenge your assumption that you've got a hair-trigger temper. Some people have a very long fuse that goes to a very big bomb. That's not a hair-trigger temper; that's a pot that occasionally boils over when the heats too high.

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  5. I can be a rager too and still need some work in this area. Also being in a relationship with someone in recovery is very challenging but we all have our issues don't we? As long as we are trying to correct the bad behavior right?

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  6. I have to say that sometimes I ask for things I need in a relationship and still don't get them. Don't be too hard on yourself. Our hair-trigger reactions are usually anchored in long histories of trying to tolerate intolerable stuff. The airing out that happened may turn out to be pivotal in the future of your relationship. Every experience can teach us more about ourselves, and often more than we care to know!

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  7. Naw! (Dang I hate when that happens!)

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  8. Roxie~

    I have done the same damn thing. My M.O. is to only listen to the part of a voicemail that pisses me off then delete the rest. Without listening. Not to smart. That's what happens when you ASSUME. ASS U ME.

    Don't be embrassed. Remember we are works in progress. This relationship is really important to both of you. Cut yourselves some slack!

    {{hugs}}

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  9. Oh, man, I thought I was being original when I cut all my ex's clothes in half :D

    I always expect to be rejected and therefore jump to conclusions, too. Admitting when we're wrong is proof we're wearing our big girl panties, right?

    Relationships are tough. Even the good ones.

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  10. Hi Roxie, I'm back!
    I have the same kind of tendency to jump to conclusions and often think the worst in situations. I try to work on it in the interests of growing up and becoming mature but its really really hard! I think you did have some reason for reacting the way you did, and you did admit to the error when it was revealed to you, and that's something to be proud of, not embarrassed by! And if it brought forward a conversation that maybe had been avoided for a while it was perhaps a good thing in the long run...?
    Be kind to yourself as well as others!

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  11. Ohhh, I remember the one time I cut into two stuffed animals that had magnet noses (so that they would stay in the kissing position) I cut those suckers right up and then pulled the magnets out of them and tossed them across the room, so they could never kiss again. Take that Mr.

    ps, I still stand by that I want to be you or at least someone as insightful and thoughtful as you!!

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We'll try this for a while.