Monday, June 28, 2010

Barking Up The Wrong Tree


Barking Up The Wrong Tree

This weekend held some interesting conundrums for me – this time with Pebbles. There were a couple of issues floating around that required some getting real and getting honest about my part in it.

The easy one – Pebbles asked me to keep TGB over the 4th while she and Slater go to Tulsa to be with his family. I said I would think about it and respond on Monday (today). Score one for me – putting some time and thought into making a decision – no reacting! There are several truths that I have to get honest about here. I do not love spending time with TGB. It is a lot of work – especially at The Closet. And even though I think of myself as a dog lover, I’ve discovered that it is not universal. I don’t really like TGB and don’t like to be around him much – he’s got a lot of issues, behaviorally and otherwise. It is much easier to deal with TGB at Bick’s, so I asked Bick how he felt about having me and TGB for the long holiday weekend and he declined. Said it wouldn’t be like much of a vacation with TGB there the whole time and I completely agree. Said he would be fine with him there for a day, but not three.

And then I asked myself why do I do this? Well, I like to make my daughter happy. I like to do things for her. Also, I’ve completely bought in to their RTW trip thingy and I’m doing my part. They are doing everything they can to save money to fund this big adventure. So spending dollars to board the dog isn’t getting them any closer to their goal. But wait - neither is buying new iPhones for the both of them. And yes, they bought two extras and sold them for a profit, but that profit went into two new snowboards. Throttle down. I’m not upset. It is their money; it is their life. I, however, no longer feel any compunction to do something that I don’t really want to do in order to save them the money. It was enlightening to realize that I had grabbed up this notion of theirs, adopted it as mine and was leading the charge. It’s amazing how I can get caught up in other peoples’ business and not even realize it. I am very happy to recognize this at this point before it became an exercise in resentment-building. I didn’t have to decline, as she decided not to go, instead she is going to tackle another issue. See below.

The stickier one – In an effort to afford the aforementioned adventure, they have decided to sell his unpaid for, expensive vehicle, buy a beater and use it and her paid for car. I suggested that before buying a beater, she could ask her Grandmother if she can use one of her extra vehicles for the next year. It just sits there, as they now have 4 vehicles between the two of them. This particular vehicle is in my name, as I bought and paid for it. It wasn’t supposed to be a gift, as Mom was supposed to make the payments, but made probably three but fewer than 6 payments on the new vehicle and stopped paying and I just kept paying the car note, rather than take it back/sell it. If I were a betting woman, given my Mom’s complicated feelings towards Pebbles, she will decline. My initial response to this was that I would step in and make this work, ie, I bought the car, it is in my name and it is just sitting there, if Pebbles wants to use it, she should be able to, etc.

Upon further reflection, while that is what I would like to have happen, it’s none of my business. I bought that car for my Mother and it is hers to do with as she pleases. I know what I think would be the right thing for her to do, but it is not my call and it is not my place to get in the middle of this. The issue will be between the two adults and is not mine to resolve. I do, however, need to get it out of my name.

I drove MalibuKen today and will take care of my grocery shopping on the way home. Then I’m hoping to break out Cha-Cha for a little doodle in the park after it cools down some. I’ve missed her!

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Examine your motivations.

-Roxie
143.5

8 comments:

  1. I want to be you when I grow up. So impressed at the way you thought through everything, with no blow ups, no craziness...just calm, rational thought. I admire your ability to do this more than you can know!

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  2. Always examine your motives! It is funny what a busy body I am. If I really examine my motives.

    Let it play out. Your Mother might surprise you.

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  3. I love in the AA literature where it talks about trying to hide a bad motive underneath a good one. You sound so together and able to take time before becoming a reaction machine.

    I really related to taking on other people's issues, and often their chaos. Happened last week to me where after several exchanges with a very chaos based friend, I felt like eating everything not nailed down. And I was cringing at the thought of the next interaction with her. Boundaries are hard. You're building them for yourself.

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  4. Small things get complicated, don't they? I tend to jump first and resent afterwards. I have a friend who says, "Let me check in with myself" before giving a yea or nay. It sounds silly but it's really very functional.

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  5. What Shelley said. I too am reaching the point where I really am not going to do things I don't like doing anymore. I think it's a perfectly acceptable place to be. Besides, this is good practice for when the day comes the there is a mini-Pebbles and you have plans and they want a weekend babysitter for a human being. Well actually a human might be easier than a dog now that I think of it...

    As always Roxie I so admire your calm introspection.

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  6. i so know what u mean. When daughter was in highschool i would surf the interner tirelessly printing off college apps and scholarship apps stapling them together and place them on her desk in her room telling myself i was helping but darn it im not gonna fill them out and lick the stamp! You know i dont think she ever filled one out.It didn't dawn on me if she wanted to go bad enough she'd do the searching herself. Instead i just gave myself a reason to be angry and frustrated, i created the problem.

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  7. I love how you think things through before jumping in. So great not to act on your first impluse I need to learn to do this:)

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  8. Hooray for stepping back and realizing what you want! I am the epitome of a people pleaser, and have gotten better about just saying "yes" to everything even if I didn't want to do it.

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We'll try this for a while.