Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Treasured

It was just a small thing, really. I'm sure when he did it, he had no clue what it would say to me. The act SHOUTED to me. It told me everything I need to know. Doesn't make him a bad person; it just makes him not the person for me.

And I allowed this to happen. I allowed myself, not be treated badly by any stretch because I never was, but I allowed me to be less-than-treasured. I allowed me to be amiable and convenient and very easy going, even though a part of me was doing a little rebellion of it's own. Because of the situation, because I wasn't being completely true to ME, it wasn't a completely safe place for me to be. And I went along with it for a long time - blaming it on the alcoholism.

So while I was willing to let the past be the past, I was unwilling to continue these behaviors moving forward. People treat you how you let them treat you. So rather than let the action go by unmentioned, I mentioned it. And so here we are.

People will show you their truths if you allow yourself to see it. I was so busy giving "extra credit" for very basic behaviors that I didn't see it. Fantasy thinking - living on "potential" and not the reality.

I will say that a large part of all of this was me working through my issues, my discoveries. I was trying to give up my controlling, codependent nature. I was trying to make sense of what were my real needs and what were just my insecurities quacking at me. I needed some toughening up, I really did. I don't want any hostages and I don't need to be worshiped. So I really wasn't blinded by it - I was just trying on a new way to see if it fit. And there was a large part of what I thought I needed that it turns out I really didn't - those things were just my old stuff re-asserting itself into my new ways. Old habits, and all.

And I discovered that there are some things that I do need. I need to see where the actions fit the words. I heard the right words, but I didn't see it where the rubber met the road.

I have no anger and no regrets. These past few years have been a wonderful opportunity to recover and discover. He was what I needed at the time and I will always be grateful for our time together. Perhaps we've just learned all we have to learn from one another. There is sadness, of course. And now the real work of letting go begins.

I began this morning (with a few tears - which are not a bad thing - they are just a thing) with some written affirmations in my journal.

I am a treasure. I have all I need. I am okay.

17 comments:

  1. Not worshipped - but treasured.
    This is the best post yet.
    Thank you, Roxie.

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  2. When my daughter broke up with her boyfriend she had been dating for 5 years (2 years of college and 3 post) - you know, the one we thought was the ONE, the one we made part of our family, after a bit I asked her what happened. At just 26 years old she said to me, "Mom, he doesn't treasure me. He doesn't make me feel that I am the most precious thing to him. I deserve that. To be treasured." She was right and I was glad she learned that at 26.

    You deserve to be treasured, for sure.

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  3. Wow, that you for sharing something so personal. You are so, so special. I'm glad you know you should be treated that way.

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  4. People ALWAYS tell you who they really are. Usually it is through the things they do and not the things they say. When they tell you.... BELIEVE THEM.

    We all deserve to be treasured. I have never been the love of anyone life. Kind of sad, but it's ok. I could have been. It was always my choice.

    I will not settle again.....EVER. Neither should you.

    Roxie, my love and thoughts are with you. YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS!

    {hugs}}

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  5. I absolutely LOVE your affirmations.

    I am thinking of you and sending lots of hugs and love.

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  6. Beautiful, Roxie. This is hard work, but you are doing it and journeying to your best true self. And so true about being treasured, and aloowing oneself to finally feel the ouch of knowing when it simply isn't there.

    Hugs, thoughts and prayers to you.

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  7. Beautiful post, Roxie. Though sad too. On to greener pastures.

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  8. Put on your mortarboard and swing your tassel. You just graduated from the school of this relationship.

    Now you're wiser and your taste in partners is a bit more demanding and particular. That's a really good thing. You know your own value and you're not willing to accept less.

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  9. My best friend is teaching her young daughter that she deserves to be treasured and I love that. Wish I had thought that of myself during several past relationships; glad you do, now. You're free now and I can't wait to see you blossom. Hugs to you, my friend - sounds like this has been an ultra-tough time.

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  10. I hear you and your strength. A beautiful treasure to give yourself.

    We are allowed to feel. It is hard to let go. But worth it.

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  11. Hugs... I want to be just like you when (if) I ever grow up!!

    ...and you are treasured, by me!!

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  12. Excellent. I will bookmark this, read it again soon. I had one boyfriend mostly for last 15 years, (I'm 41), and now that I'm dating other guys, I realize how bad he made me feel. We are still close, and I'm trying to reconcile how he treated me, and that he is my best friend. Anyway, I like your last post, too. All I ever do is go to the gym, go for a walk, or take a bath. However, I am desperately in need of new panties and socks. Maybe now that I have a job (starting in 2 weeks, after > 15 months unemployed), I'll bike to a clothing shop.

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  13. Wow..really made me think about my relationship with my husband. how very hard for you and how very important the choice you made. It isn't the choice that many make, and they continue to suffer on. Be strong.

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  14. I admire you so much. The way you take care of you and do no harm to others. Lots of love to you!

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  15. This is a thought provoking, amazing post. Thank you for letting us be a part of what you are going through. It helps me be more aware of similar occurrences in my own life. We all deserve to be treated as the special beings we are.

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  16. Well said Roxie. You do deserve to be treasured by your partner and you are a treasure to all your friends in blog land.
    You sound sad so please go check out my sweaty mess picture on my blog my friend!

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  17. Loved this post thanks for writing it. Though you're feeling sad it sounds like you know you did the right thing for yourself. I do think every relationship brings something to us and it sounds like this one did for you.

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We'll try this for a while.