It was just a small thing, really. I'm sure when he did it, he had no clue what it would say to me. The act SHOUTED to me. It told me everything I need to know. Doesn't make him a bad person; it just makes him not the person for me.
And I allowed this to happen. I allowed myself, not be treated badly by any stretch because I never was, but I allowed me to be less-than-treasured. I allowed me to be amiable and convenient and very easy going, even though a part of me was doing a little rebellion of it's own. Because of the situation, because I wasn't being completely true to ME, it wasn't a completely safe place for me to be. And I went along with it for a long time - blaming it on the alcoholism.
So while I was willing to let the past be the past, I was unwilling to continue these behaviors moving forward. People treat you how you let them treat you. So rather than let the action go by unmentioned, I mentioned it. And so here we are.
People will show you their truths if you allow yourself to see it. I was so busy giving "extra credit" for very basic behaviors that I didn't see it. Fantasy thinking - living on "potential" and not the reality.
I will say that a large part of all of this was me working through my issues, my discoveries. I was trying to give up my controlling, codependent nature. I was trying to make sense of what were my real needs and what were just my insecurities quacking at me. I needed some toughening up, I really did. I don't want any hostages and I don't need to be worshiped. So I really wasn't blinded by it - I was just trying on a new way to see if it fit. And there was a large part of what I thought I needed that it turns out I really didn't - those things were just my old stuff re-asserting itself into my new ways. Old habits, and all.
And I discovered that there are some things that I do need. I need to see where the actions fit the words. I heard the right words, but I didn't see it where the rubber met the road.
I have no anger and no regrets. These past few years have been a wonderful opportunity to recover and discover. He was what I needed at the time and I will always be grateful for our time together. Perhaps we've just learned all we have to learn from one another. There is sadness, of course. And now the real work of letting go begins.
I began this morning (with a few tears - which are not a bad thing - they are just a thing) with some written affirmations in my journal.
I am a treasure. I have all I need. I am okay.