One thousand posts on this blog. One thousand pictures of life on this leg of the journey - from May 2007 through today. I did have another blog that I peek back into that ran from August 2001 through May 2007.
This journey, much like blogging, is about consistency. Every day can't be a mountain top experience. Mostly, it's just getting up, putting one foot in front of the other and trying not lose ground. And sometimes it is hard to see the progress in that. But when you get enough distance away, you can look back and marvel at the experience. What lessons have been learned and what changes have been made. Of course the path hasn't been linear. How could it be? Linear would imply that one could see the light at the end of the tunnel; that one could actually see what it would be like to reach a certain destination. With non-linear progress, it stops being about the destination and starts being about the journey. And it's in those twisty, turny, can't-see-around-the-corners-but-you-just-keep-going curves that lead you to the bestest places.
I still have a lot of work to do, a lot more discovery that needs to happen, but that doesn't mean that I can't rejoice a bit in the progress that's been made so far in discovering who I really am. Boy, does that sound stupid, but it's the truth. I feel like I'm actually developing or discovery who I really am. I didn't really know that before. Not really. Turns out, a lot of the things I thought were true about me were not true. I am not always sober, sombre and aloof. I can be warm and friendly - hell, turns out I'm not much of a loner after all! Who knew? Not me and not until recently. I'd taken habits and turned them into character traits!
There is joy finding it's way into my life. Or more accurately, I think I am opening myself up for the possibility, if that makes any sense? And I find myself almost giddy at times - not in a middle-aged-crazy way (or at least I hope not), but at a much deeper, more resonate level. And all of this with some situations staying exactly the same - my Mother is still being my Mother and is spending money at an alarming clip and that only the stuff that I hear about! But I am learning how to deal and to still try and keep the good parts of our relationship. I'm not always successful, but I'm sick and damn tired of being resentful, so I had to find another way. I'm cutting both of us a break.
I am incredibly fortunate, I realize. I've had and continue to have lots of blessings. I had no idea, in 1996, when I was at my lowest point and serious self-harm was an option I was considering, that by 2010, many, many things in my life would be vastly different. So if you are reading this and things seem daunting, know that change is possible.
Thank you for reading and being a great part of this network of friends. I hope the energy that circulates through us feeds you as much as it feeds me.
Take good care of yourself. It all starts there.