Yesterday was a nice, comfortable day. I went to regular yoga practice today, but my back was twinging a bit. I manifest stress in my lower back, so I spent most of the class just doing gentle stretches to try and loosen things up a bit. It helped some. In the evening as I was heading out for a ride in the park, I made a different shoe choice. I decided to wear a pair of athletic/fashion shoes (my new travel shoes) rather than my usual running shoes. Boy, could I tell a difference immediately. These shoes had a much thinner sole and it really threw me off AND I felt it in my back at once. So I took it pretty easy and just rode the flats in a leisurely way.
While riding, I began to think about how much of the hoarding habit I had either inherited or adopted. I used to shop for entertainment, out of boredom and because I was raised to believe that every occasion called for a new outfit. Now I didn't stay in this aspect of the disease for very long, but I loitered far too long in the bad housekeeping realm. It just all seemed too overwhelming.
Looking back on it, housekeeping was just not something we did with any sort of regularity. Beds weren't made, dishes weren't done, meals weren't prepared, clothes weren't put away. We kept our underwear in a kitchen drawer. I am not assigning blame here, I'm just saying that I never got in the habit/learned any sort of habits at all. And when there was "cleaning", it was just frustrating, as one couldn't clean around all the stuff. I guess I spent so many years focused on the spending/wasting money half of this devil, that I never really saw the other part - the keeping of all this stuff and how many of these behaviors I had.
Where I had my worst time as an adult was with the decluttering and I guess it was probably a set of beliefs that I'd adopted as a reaction to the spending. I'd spent money on these things and the frugalista in me had a hard time letting things go. It was with time that I was able to pare down, declutter and it began to be possible for me to keep a decent enough house. Prior to the decluttering, it was just all to overwhelming, but yet I had a difficult time figuring out that this, like so many other things in my life, was of my own doing. Yet another case of being my own worst enemy.
Cut to last Friday night, a girlfriend was just driving by and called me on a whim and wanted to hang out. I said "Come on up". And in three minutes, she was knocking at my door. There was no panic, no stash and grab, no shame and no anxiety. Even when my house was company clean, I still suffered residual anxiety from just having someone else in my home. Not anymore.
I believe that my whole belief or notion that I am a loner stemmed from this issue. I took the circumstances I was in and modified my needs to fit. It's funny how I held on to that for years - turns out to be completely false. I am not a loner, I do like people and I love entertaining them in my very own home - all 500 plus square feet of it.
Don't get me wrong - I'm still not a fastidious house keeper. Life is too short to be THAT concerned about the minutia. And when I'm in the kitchen, well, Katie bar the door! There's a scene in Julie and Julia where Julia is chopping a mountain of onions and the pieces are flying. When Bick saw that scene, he just cracked up laughing, as that's what I am like in the kitchen. No telling where things will end up. I make a total wreck of a kitchen, which always made Bick antsy, so he handled clean up. Unfortunately, he was married to the world's best wall-washing-every-month, hands-and-knees-floor-scrubbing ex-wife so he had an unreasonable set of expectations :-) I made short order of that! I offered to hire in extra help, but I will never be THAT kind of housekeeper.
Today is pre-procedure, so no real food for me. It's a yogurt day until 6pm and then it's clear liquids from then on. Pebbles is coming over tonight to hang out (need to remember to tell her to eat before arriving!) and is bringing movies to watch. I think I'll get her to color my hair, as it is much easier to have someone else do it. Maybe we'll just play beauty shop tonight.
ETA: I start salsa dance lessons on Tuesday! Aye carumba
Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Are your truths really true?