Monday, September 13, 2010
Growing up, my Mom would always ask me “Am I as big as Sis?” It could be in comparison to a woman we knew (Sis) or just a random woman walking down the street, but the question came often. I don’t know if it was actual body image disorder/distortion or a need for validation, as she placed a lot of importance on her looks. While I’ve never traded on my looks, I guess I do have some of the same issues. I still do not have a good idea of “what I look like” or how much space I take up. The picture above was taken of me in the spring of 2006 while on a ski trip. When I saw the picture, it took me a while to recognize that it was me. That normal sized, regular looking woman was me. So I’ve been content to see myself as that, without much fuss. I don’t think about it much, but something happened this weekend that is giving me something to think about. In a good way, yes, I’m aware – but there is still some cognitive dissonance going on.
On Friday, Pebbles brought me most of her “career wardrobe”. She no longer works in the interior design side of the business and her client meetings are usually held on constructions sites, complete with steel-toed shoes and hard hats. She has little use for these clothes any more. And I can remember when we/she bought them. She had just graduated from college and just secured her first job. Her start date was January 31, 2005. She used part of her graduation money to buy some really nice career pieces by Anne Klein. And I can remember it like it was yesterday – tracking down every piece of the collection and going to Macy’s all over Dallas and Fort Worth and spending time with her in the dressing rooms and how great she looked. Today I am wearing a pair of those pants and they are too big.
To Helen, the first step in freezing pesto is to not put the cheese in. It doesn’t freeze well. The second step is to recognize that it is going to oxidize a bit. I freeze my pesto in small snack size plastic containers and put a bit more olive oil at the top to help with the oxidation. I also use a bit of lemon zest and lemon juice. When ready to use, just thaw and stir in the cheese. I ended up with about 18 containers. There will be sharing, I think! And I got tired of producing pesto before Bick ran out of basil.
We enjoyed some great joy riding in Farrah this weekend, although no real ice cream was had. We drove out to the lake and to a park and I bought a “Push Up” for nostalgic reasons, as I remembered liking them as a kid. Turns out, I do not love them anymore. Yuckaroo! Went right into the trash.
Tonight is another night working at Reata. My reading for today included this very important passage that I think sums up where I am and what I am worried about as I work to re/create relationships within my family.
Am I knowingly building a wall between myself and my ******? Is it being made of stubbornness, self-will, self-righteousness and a desire to punish? Such a wall can be hard and unyielding as though it were made of real bricks. It would leave no space for me to grow.
Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Have room to grow.