Monday, September 13, 2010

Monday Mélange




Growing up, my Mom would always ask me “Am I as big as Sis?” It could be in comparison to a woman we knew (Sis) or just a random woman walking down the street, but the question came often. I don’t know if it was actual body image disorder/distortion or a need for validation, as she placed a lot of importance on her looks. While I’ve never traded on my looks, I guess I do have some of the same issues. I still do not have a good idea of “what I look like” or how much space I take up. The picture above was taken of me in the spring of 2006 while on a ski trip. When I saw the picture, it took me a while to recognize that it was me. That normal sized, regular looking woman was me. So I’ve been content to see myself as that, without much fuss. I don’t think about it much, but something happened this weekend that is giving me something to think about. In a good way, yes, I’m aware – but there is still some cognitive dissonance going on.

On Friday, Pebbles brought me most of her “career wardrobe”. She no longer works in the interior design side of the business and her client meetings are usually held on constructions sites, complete with steel-toed shoes and hard hats. She has little use for these clothes any more. And I can remember when we/she bought them. She had just graduated from college and just secured her first job. Her start date was January 31, 2005. She used part of her graduation money to buy some really nice career pieces by Anne Klein. And I can remember it like it was yesterday – tracking down every piece of the collection and going to Macy’s all over Dallas and Fort Worth and spending time with her in the dressing rooms and how great she looked. Today I am wearing a pair of those pants and they are too big.

Weekend Notes:

To Helen, the first step in freezing pesto is to not put the cheese in. It doesn’t freeze well. The second step is to recognize that it is going to oxidize a bit. I freeze my pesto in small snack size plastic containers and put a bit more olive oil at the top to help with the oxidation. I also use a bit of lemon zest and lemon juice. When ready to use, just thaw and stir in the cheese. I ended up with about 18 containers. There will be sharing, I think! And I got tired of producing pesto before Bick ran out of basil.

We enjoyed some great joy riding in Farrah this weekend, although no real ice cream was had. We drove out to the lake and to a park and I bought a “Push Up” for nostalgic reasons, as I remembered liking them as a kid. Turns out, I do not love them anymore. Yuckaroo! Went right into the trash.

Tonight is another night working at Reata. My reading for today included this very important passage that I think sums up where I am and what I am worried about as I work to re/create relationships within my family.

Am I knowingly building a wall between myself and my ******? Is it being made of stubbornness, self-will, self-righteousness and a desire to punish? Such a wall can be hard and unyielding as though it were made of real bricks. It would leave no space for me to grow.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Have room to grow.

-Roxie
140.5

10 comments:

  1. When I first saw the picture I freaked because I thought it had somehow snowed in TX! Now how's that? I knew instinctively that it was you in the photo... I've never known you any other way so to speak.

    Ahhhh the cheese! Why didn't I think of that? It's a bit too late for me this year but you can bet next year I'll be freezing away.

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  2. That's a good quote...certainly applies here! Good luck detaching with love while being in the midst of the family folks.

    You look positively svelte in that picture, and what a nice NSV to have those pants be too big. Ahhh - someday.

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  3. Yea, I've been known to be that way and seen other family members as well. It tough when everyone wants to be in control and that seems what it boils down to often. You look great then and now *smile*.

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  4. You inspire me...just want you to know. :o)

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  5. Wow, that is just so awesome to have Pebble's pants be too big for you! I know, shocking, too...but yeah, you are a little woman! That picture of you - I've done that, not recognize myself in pictures. Such a weird feeling!

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  6. I love the last line and it's great you can fit into and her clothes are too big. So great.

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  7. What I can't figure out is how this woman [at least 2x as big as me] and I ended up buying the same size jeans. No way in heck are we the same waist size. No way in heck did those jeans fit her! I think we all have body distortion. Either she really squeezed herself in those jeans or I'm more of a cow than I think.

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  8. I think your idea with the oil on the pesto is spot on. I buy prepared pesto every now & again and there is always a thin layer of oil covering everything in the jar.

    I thought that maybe that opening picture was from your hometown area back in the day.

    It's funny - I've only known you as a reasonably trim person. I have trouble imagining you being 100 lbs heavier. Lets keep it like that, mmkay?

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  9. That picture looks like something you would see in a magazine. You do look slim and 'normal'.

    I did a double-take on the snow, though!

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  10. What a nice daughter to give you her things...and then how cool is it that they are too big?!! You are a tiny woman, Roxie. I know, I've seen you IRL. Be proud :)

    Hope things go well tonight.

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We'll try this for a while.