Monday, September 20, 2010

There Are No Accidents

In a recent conversation with a trusted advisor, she commented that "there are no accidents". I was discussing how I came into this part of my journey in response to Bick's alcoholism, but really felt that I was brought here to learn to deal with my family issues. I have been given this opportunity, this insight and this help from a variety of sources to allow me to create a new relationship, while there is still time. I don't know whose time will run out first, but what a gift this is.

I can be contemptuous and I haven't taken great pains to hide it. How would I feel if Pebbles suddenly developed that attitude toward me? It would kill my very soul. How would it feel knowing that the people around me wished I was someone else? It's time I changed my perspective. And by doing so, doesn't mean that I'm in any sort of denial or that keeping appropriate boundaries is wrong. A change in my perspective can bring a little peace to all involved parties.

I have been given this opportunity to learn to accept my family members as they are. I get the opportunity to let them pursue their own journey, just as I have pursued mine. I hope that I can put down my gavel, because if I continue to look for reasons to be judgmental, I will always find them. No one will be perfect, including me. It really is a frame of mind, a choice. And everyone deserves to be accepted for who they are. I can love without condoning or enabling.

I have two relationships in my life that are healthy (at least for me). My relationship with my daughter Pebbles, where I have tried to recognize and enforce role appropriate boundaries from the start. And amazingly enough, my relationship with Bick is a pretty healthy one - and not necessarily because of me, but because of him. He's always been fierce about enforcing boundaries and not letting me encroach. He's a smart man with a BS detector that is legend. He can be bracing, but he lives his truth - be that in active alcoholism or in recovery. He's deliberate and I have a great respect for him - and I had that when he was drinking and I have it now that he's not.

So the lesson becomes: How can I take these two of my healthiest examples and apply to other areas and people in my life?

I am incredibly humbled by this gift, this opportunity. It is up to me to make the most of it.

Lovely weekend - very low key.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. No one likes to feel "less than".



  1. Whenever I've had someone make me feel like the cat's meow with little to no effort I've always amazed at their ability to do that.

    Family - the people we love the most and probably treat the worst yet expect the best out of. So hard and yet tender that.

    I know you will find a way. Because like I said the other day you really do strive to live your best life.

  2. Hmmm, this post made me think. Darn it, I like holding my resentments toward people who are in the wrong! Now what?!? ;)

  3. What a thought provoking post... I could learn a thing or two from you Miss Roxie.

  4. Thank you for this post. I'm changing some boundary levels in a few of my relationships and this encouraged me. My motto has become, my "yes" is "yes" and my "no" is "no." You encouraged me to mentally list the healthy relationships and in doing so, I am reminded that there are a lot more of those than there are the toxic ones. For that I am very grateful.

  5. Being compassionate means recognizing others as humans. Sometimes we all forget that, like being on the phone with customer service! I have to try so hard on that not to let my tongue get the better of me.

    Personally, I think respect is the highest of privileges that one can bestow on another person.

  6. Maybe just realizing love doesn't mean we have to be doormats. Showing your love does not have to include condoning things you shouldn't. Maybe find a way to meet on neutral territory from time to time to keep the relationships and the boundaries. :)

  7. It isn't easy to realize that it's always me that has to change.

    You really have ben given a gift. not many adult children would realize that.

    thanks for your emails this past weekend. Still "sleeping on it".


  8. You never cease to amaze Rox. This is a very thoughtful and thought provoking post. Makes me want to evaluate my own relationships and find the ones that are toxic to me, or where I may be the toxin.

    Time to go navel gaze . . .

    ps - if there are no accidents, why was my verification word "wifetw"? Weird . . .

  9. You are so very wise. You always make me think, and look inward at myself. The things I do, how they affect other people.

    Thank you for your very wise words of wisdom. You never cease to amaze me.


We'll try this for a while.