Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Day Eleven of Twenty: Marathon Dreams


Day Eleven Tasks (Yep, I'm still following the program.)


Every day the wheel is reinvented in a thousand new ways.

Day 11 through 20 requires that you follow through with what you've started. Every day, evaluation and reevaulation. Every day, looking at what you want done and deciding to do it. Routine isn't boring; it's a tool that helps us track the thousands of details that require our attention. Routine helps us sustain our control over our actions and decisions. Routine helps us compare yesterday to today so we can continue to improve the process of our life; to make it meaningful and significant. Routine helps us document that we are successful, shows us our accomplishments, helps us plan for our future.

1. Take a bath or shower. Wear cologne, perfume, deodorant, floss and brush your teeth. Shave. Do nails, eyebrows, ears.

When you know you are clean and smell great, you feel better. Depressed people don't worry about how they look on the outside. They are consumed by their innerself. Change the outer and the inner will follow. Physical actions incite emotions. Stand like you look confident and you will feel confident.

Again, continue your morning routine without clothes. If you want changes, investigate diets or exercise programs that will help you achieve the changes you desire. Do you need to change? You need to keep you body healthy and if you health requires change, then you need to do it. Healthy is not the same as movie star beauty. Feeling like you need to change so your body looks like a brushed up photo on the cover of some film magazine is meaningless. Even the real stars don't look like that, so who cares. Work to accept and be comfortable with your body.

2. Bed made. Sheets washed. You deserve clean bedding.

3. Continue your daily list non productive activities. Look how much you are now getting done! You are absolutely an asset to the company. You should be very proud of the work that you contribute and integrity with which you make that contribution.

Continue working to eliminate non productive activities. You will find that you enjoy more things at work because of your increasing sense of accomplishment.

4. Take photos every day. Look how people light up when you give them copies for their desks or mantels.

5. Friend List

Soon some will respond. Don't expect all to respond. Bridges will be constructed. Your social life will soon be enhanced.

6. Continue the thank you notes as needed. You should now have trained yourself to find ways to thank people. You are hopefully now unconsciously watching for actions people do that are worth recognizing. You are now looking for the good people do; not the bad.

Continue to print copies and put in a folder.

7. Continue writing down and memorizing the names of new people. You are also doing some very important social and professional networking here. Always look in their eyes.

8. Keep your house in order. Make a schedule of the things you want to change.

9. Plan a specific monthly budget. Continue keeping receipts. It makes you acutely aware of where your money goes.

10. Continue finding ways to like everyone.

Again, it makes no difference to them. Only to you.

11. Put $1.25 in cash in a glass on your bedstand.

Stick with this schedule every day.

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Dreamt I ran a marathon last night (or tried to) in blue jeans (wearing pantyhose underneath), no socks, a puffer coat and I was carrying something. I show up at this place and find out I have to run this marathon in order to get a key to a locker somewhere that has some of my valuable stuff in it. Oh, and part of the course ran through a museum, but once outside the course was no longer market. Okay, Amateur Dr. Freuds, what are your thoughts? HA!

I am taking a break from commenting (mostly). I find that my words have left me and my comments have become perfunctory, rather than what I'd like them to be. So rather than force it, I'll be spending a bit less time on the internets, concentrating instead on some of the evaluation suggestions from my little exercise. I hope to be back with renewed energy soon.

The sans clothing time has been interesting. I haven't decided whether out of sight - out of mind is really better. I don't have a body "image" problem, I have a body-ravaged-by-obesity problem. And it shows. So I don't know that visiting/concentrating on getting comfortable has done me that much good. I will say that I'm not so startled by how I look each day, so there is that level of comfort. But I really have to work on being accepting of the things I cannot change. There is still work to be done in getting to the point of not letting what I look like from the outside get too far inside my head. It will erode my confidence and stifle me.

This is part of the same larger issue of what-is-somebody-else-thinking-about-me? Which probably is not much. I'm using Bick as an example here and choosing to make my thoughts about him pretty much how everyone else sees things (save the "flabby ass" comment from an asshat in my past). Bick has gained weight recently. It's pretty common and it's not just a little bit. His pants just keep riding a little lower and lower. I know it, but it doesn't enter into how I feel about him at all. It's a non-issue. While I know this, somehow I don't SEE it when I see him. So I've decided that in my own private land of unicorns and rainbows and cute little kittens, that is exaclty how everyone else looks at things and so I can cut myself a break. I don't know that this round-about method of acceptance and serenity is the most healthy, but I'm working with what I've got here.

I will say, that I have not been washing my sheets daily. Once a week is enough! I still stink at taking pictures and perhaps I will try to add that when it doesn't feel quite so intrusive. The holidays would be a good time to take more pictures!

I will also cop to being a petty bitch. Yesterday was an office birthday breakfast celebration. Everyone, save the celebrants, signs up to bring something. So I signed up to bring an egg casserole because I wanted something moderately healthy to eat. I'd loaded it up with veggies, ran the recipe calorie count and it was reasonable. Everyone else signed up to bring sausage rolls, doughnuts, kolaches, cinnamon rolls, etc. One other person brought fruit. We put our stuff out buffet style. I got called away to a phone call and by the time I got back, all MY stuff was gone. Pissed me right off. Yes, I got plenty of compliments on how good it was, but still. I'm left with all of the crap, as my dish and the fruit was gone. If you are going to bring crap like that, then stick to eating it. And no, one sausage roll isn't going to kill me, but I always have a problem with just one of anything.

So eating yesterday wasn't the best, but I made it to the gym twice yesterday and ate light in the evening. Today promises to be a long day, with dinner brought in on the office's nickel. Luckily for me, I'm in charge of the food, so we are getting food from a place where I know I can get some decent options.

I've got three Christmas activities planned with my mother and sister over the next week and I'm looking forward to that. I hope we can make some new traditions that don't involve lots of gifting. Maybe if I offer this as a viable alternative, things can change. I hope I'm not venturing into the "trying to control" territory.

Still haven't heard back from the insurance company. I submitted copies of the bids showing that I can't get the work done for what they'd offered. If I haven't heard back by Friday, then more follow-up calls will be required.

That's all the news from Cornfield County.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Offer encouragement.

-Roxie

9 comments:

  1. Interesting dream. Jumping through hoops, running miles carrying burdens - to get to the prize...I'm thinking Dr. Freud is not necessary for comment. How you interpret the content? That's the key of dream interp...what it means to the dreamer. That said, my .02 is it sounds a bit like nothing of worth is going to come easily, but your subconscious (YOU) is/are actually willing to go to any lengths to find the value and worth and real treasure of life. Running a marathon with a carry on for pete's sake! Sounds pretty hopeful to me. That'll be $500.

    I'm feeling comment and blog depleted myself, but I remain interested in my favorite people and what's up with them. Your in my top 5 - and I'm not just blowing smoke. I also haven't been commenting much, but still reading.

    I love your conclusion for self from your observations of Bick...that you can let yourself off the hook. I'm working on that too - a day at a time. Old ways creep back...sometimes on an hourly basis.

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  2. Amateur and Pseudo Dr Freud here -
    When you ran out of the museum,
    you wrote the path was not "market"
    .... did you mean to write "marked?"
    *♡!!*
    Love the program!

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  3. Very odd dream. I've had running dreams before and wonder if I'm not trying to run away from something or run towards something.

    Interesting about depressed people not caring what they look like on the outside. When I was even more overweight than I am now, there would be weeks when I wouldn't look at myself in the mirror. I'd bathe and stuff but I couldn't stand the image in the mirror so I wouldn't look. Sad really.

    So that comment about taking care of the outside is helpful. I'll be thinking about it today.

    Sorry everyone ate up all your egg dish. Guess it was really good. Next time cut a piece for yourself and put it aside. :)

    Hope that you have a wonderful day.

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  4. That is a bummer about your food being eaten without you getting any! I don't blame you for being irritated at that.

    That dream sounds so much like one I would have. I think it is a sign of a creative mind. And maybe that you have some big hurdles that you are going to have to overcome and that they will take a long time to do.

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  5. Interesting about the path not being marked on your race - like you are supposed to find your own way? A bit scary but obviously the race organizers felt you would be able to do it. ;)

    I hear ya on the commenting, although I think everything you've left me has been perfect...some days I just don't have much to say that isn't gibberish. It happens.

    Wait, you were supposed to be washing your sheets every day? Ugh, that is a workout with my bed - once a week is enough! As long as you make the bed, I think you're following that rule just fine.

    I like the land you live in - rainbows, kittens and unicorns. That made me smile!

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  6. I'm insecure and paranoid... when you stopped commenting on my blog I was worried I'd offended you in some way. Glad you clarified but sheesh I guees I need to learn it's not all about me.

    I hate office potlucks for all the reasons you listed.

    I want to come live in your unicorn and kitty land. I guess I do, just not with myself. Cutting myself a break rarely enters my noggin'

    I think your dream is meant to show you what you are capable of. Because the circumstances of how you are dressed, what you are carrying, and the unmarked path would make it almost impossible to complete that task. Yet you do it. Meaning you CAN do whatever you set your mind too.

    Leslie wants $500, I'll take $1000. Thank you.

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  7. 'body ravaged by obesity problem'....yep, that's me. Good way to say it. You're right though, nothing to be done about it unless we want to forego the many years of vacations we'd have to look forward to and get some nip/tuck work done. I would love to do it, but my conscience (and wallet) won't let me. Oh, and I'd feel the exact same way at the buffet - you bring it, you eat it.

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  8. I needed to read EVERY word of your post today. I have gone has far as buying the different notebooks. I am going to do to 20 Day thing for sure. When I feel I can give the time it deserves. Thanks for hooking me up with the blog! I love reading about yours daily!

    It's so true about when you look good you feel good. When I 1st started this journey I was just blown away by the feeling showering and giving a crap what it gave me EVERY DAY! I have recomitted!!

    So glad to know that I am the only that just can't come up with thoughtful constructive comments. Even if I do it just seems like alot of work to type it all down. Sloth, huge character defect.

    Welcome to the Petty Bitch Club. You should be getting the handbook anyday. At least that's when they sent mine...lol

    hugs!

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  9. I hate company potlucks. (Partly because of my public eating phobia), but also because I can't stand to see people load up their plates with so little regard for those behind them in line. It really disgusts me and is just downright rude. So I don't think you were a bitch at all.

    I spent almost all my session today with Dr D focusing on how I am constantly wondering what others think about what I weigh. Do they think I'm fat? Do they notice I've lost weight? Do they notice I've gained weight since the last time when I'd lost weight? Blah blah blah. It's all part of my eating disorder. So your experience of wondering what-is-somebody-else-thinking-about-me really hit home. Your conclusion that you can cut yourself a break because not everyone is thinking about you (substitute ME) really hit home and so thank you for that!

    You are one of the most faithful and insightful commenters to so many people. But I understand your burn out. So just keep writing your wonderful posts, and I will look forward to them.

    Take care, Roxie.

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We'll try this for a while.