Thursday, December 9, 2010

Day Seven of Twenty: Stealing Home


Day Seven Tasks - More details available at www.daytwenty.com



1. Take a bath or shower. Wear cologne, perfume, deodorant, floss and brush your teeth. Shave.

2. Bed made, room picked up, laundry washed, kitchen clean, floor scrubbed. Check the toliets and sinks.

3. Review yesterday's hourly chart and make new chart for tomorrow.

4. Two more photos.

5. Contact friend or relative that you haven't talked with during the last month. Write a short email "catching them up" on your life since last you saw them.

6. Everyone complains at work about something. This seems to be human nature. Pay very close attention about who complains and what they complain about. At the end of the day, start a new list that documents who complained and what they complained about. Record the approximate amount of time that you spent listening to them.

7. If appropriate, include yourself on this list.

6. Two more "thank you emails."

Print copies and put in a folder.

7. If you have not already done so, in your notebook, make a list of your approximately monthly expenses... rent, food, ect. Compute a rough monthly total of these expenses.

8. At the end of the day, sit quietly in your living room or bedroom and write down the three or four things that you remember most about your childhood. Again, a new page with lots of room so we can continue adding to this list.

9. Put $1.25 in cash in a glass on your bedstand.

Accumulating tasks... just a reminder---

Eye contact always with everyone you meet. Making your bed. Receipts. Photos. Names of any new people you meet. Background notes on the people that you have trouble liking. Growing lists of productive and unproductive work behaviors. Lists of likes and dislikes in your house.


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A good at bat last night - a solid double. Managed to avoid the chips! Woo hoo! What I did was order a cup of decaf coffee immediately upon arriving at the table, which was already loaded down with baskets of chips, salsa and queso. But luckily, my waiter was on top of the job and the coffee really did give me something to do and kept me from feeling deprived. And who eats salty stuff with coffee, anyway? This just might be my new strategy. It worked and it was painless. No white-knuckling here. When it came time to order, I had the chicken tortilla soup and it was all good.

I did have the urge to have more food when I got home last night, but the decision I made was that I didn't want to have to think about (regret) what I ate last night again today. That I didn't have room in my head for thoughts on past food indiscretions. So I just turned in early. No errors.

Made it to the gym yesterday and I also finalized my lease agreement. I didn't get what I wanted, but I did negotiate for a lower than asked for rate and a longer term. I am getting my carpets re-stretched (done yesterday), the carpets cleaned and the apartment repainted. And I am giving myself kudos for stepping up to the plate. I didn't hit a homerun, but I hit a solid single. And I live to play another day.

I didn't call the insurance company, but I do have all of the information in my briefcase again today to make the call. I hereby hold myself accountable for making the call to the insurance company TODAY. I am on deck with this one.

Today is a yoga day, I think. Tonight I have a meeting, so I may or may not hit the gym after the meeting. It might be a good thing to do - or else hit the running store and drop some dough for a new pair of shoes. I'm on a new billing cycle! It may be time.

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Results from Day 6.

Spent Wrinkle Time and took care of household maintenance. Work has been super-productive, which is great, but may also be avoidance!!!!Still no pictures.

And now for Item 5. The one that got the most reaction from everyone, including me.

Well, number 5 really hit hard today. And I do believe that intimacy is about more than sex. Maintaining intimacy, given our current living situation, is difficult. This past year has been difficult and I don't know how our relationship will go. I don't believe that me moving back in with him would solve this. I do know that I want more emotional intimacy than we have right now - and probably more than we've ever had. Do we love, care for and respect one another? Are we famously compatible? Yes. And I feel I am being kept at arms length. I am not now, nor have I ever been treated badly, but I don't feel treasured. And is it wrong to make him responsible for how I feel? I'm having trouble drawing the distinction. So I've spent some time trying to determine if my wants and needs are appropriate and healthy. Given my traits and flaws, am I seeking and wanting too much external validation? How much is too much? How much is not enough? How much of this is me and how much is him ?

And the most important thing right now is his recovery. He's about nine months in and I couldn't be more proud of the efforts. He is getting ready to go through some rough and rocky times with his family and I hate (am scared, too, I have to acknowledge) to burden him with this. I told myself that I would give him a year to work on getting sober without any additional demands. And the work he is doing is tough. He is learning to be a new man and it shows. He smiles and laughs more, enjoys more, so there is reason to be positive, but I am grieving this right now. This has been what's going on with me since my return from Turkey and was faced with renewing my lease/moving/whatever. And so I have some more really big decisions to make soon. I still want to be treasured and I haven't been clear about my needs and wants.

And this isn't about some grand "romantic" gesture - it's almost indescribable which is unfortunate, as how can I expect this if I can't fully articulate it? How can I expect someone to love me in a certain way if I can't explain it myself? How would it look? How would it feel? What words would be used and when? Those are the kinds of questions I'm asking myself. If I can't answer those, then I can't expect him to magically meet my needs.

I haven't stepped up to the plate. I have not asked for what I wanted. I have taken myself out of the game without even taking a swing at it. And as with other areas of my life - what am I going to do if I don't get what I want?

The Closet is getting repainted - it looks like I've been doing some ThunderDome-type activities on Cha-Cha up the walls. Saved the cash.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Shake off the past strike outs. Every at bat is a new beginning.

-Roxie

8 comments:

  1. Shake off the past strike outs?
    That's like, half my game!
    I might cease to exist!
    Another great post, Roxie.

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  2. Your blog is great, Roxie. Your list makes so much sense. It contains things we should do, but we often put off. It is really about "organizing your life." I have found that the weight loss doesn't go so well for me if my life is not organized. Thanks for sharing this gem of an idea. You are a very smart lady.

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  3. Roxie , when i read about you and Bick i can't help but think maybe you put too much thought into the relationship. Does that make any sense? That maybe you pick it apart too much. Can one really be so analytical about love?

    I understand your desire to be treasured. My hubs makes me feel treasured.......most of the time..LOL! And i really could not live without it. Is that his job or my job i never really thought about it. It is what it is. Hugs to you girl. In my experiences not many loves can stand up to being picked apart.

    Thankyou somuch for the comments on my blog girlfriend!

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  4. Roxie - I've been lurking here for quite awhile, but decided I just needed to tell you how much I enjoy your writing and your blog. You always make me think, and I love that. Thanks for doing such a good job. I look forward to reading your blog every day.

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  5. Beautiful evaluation of #5 but I can't help but be struck by your comment that you don't feel treasured. Why?

    Because my daughter broke up with her long time boyfriend 5 years out of college - the one who we thought she was going to marry - because as she said, "I don't feel treasured. I know he cares for me, but does he care for me MORE than other people and things? I want that and I deserve it."

    A friend just had her 25 year old daughter move back home for the same reason...

    If these young women can "get" this and not settle, why can't we?

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  6. I don't know, it sounds like you are unsettled when it comes to your relationship with Bick - like you say, you yourself can't even articulate what it is you exactly need/want. Is that his fault or are you expecting something out of him that he's just not able to give? Not trying to defend his actions (or lack thereof), and I hate it when my husband looks at things from the other person's view, but I just wonder. Any case I appreciate that you have given him a year to deal with getting sober without all of the other issues - it IS hard, and the fact that he's got nine months is really amazing. Also shows how much you've helped him, because most people who try to get sober without any familial support don't make it.

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  7. Glad you were able to come to a compromise on the lease.

    I am definitely going to try the coffee strategy. Chips and salsa is more of a weakness than brownies for me and that's saying a lot!

    OK, I understand the wanting to feel treasured. And you're right, it is hard to put in words. Being the center of one's universe isn't exactly right.
    Maybe the idea that if he could have any woman in the world he would choose you? You're so right: almost impossible to put into words such a deep feeling.

    I wish you the very best.

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  8. Part of my inspiration for today's post is because of your constant phone calls to contractors and the like. Every time I read that you've 'made another call' I get a knot in my stomach, thinking: how does she do it? You deserve TONS of credit for planting your feet firmly in the ground; you may not have received everything you wanted but you sure made progress, and that deserves some attention!

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We'll try this for a while.