Thursday, January 13, 2011

Buried Treasure

As a participant in Ellen's Hate Loss Challenge, I've chosen to concentrate on my thoughts about my physical self. My first post was here. Now that I've got myself into this quagmire of thought, there's more.

If I dig deep - who is the perfect body for? For me? The hot-bod thing is different from being healthy and fit. I am healthy and fit. Healthy and fit is for me. How does having the/a more perfect body change things? How perfect is perfect? Would I be willing to be surgically perfected? Would I gain confidence? Or would that be playing into this performance/looks based system? Is it the "gift" I give my partner to make him "want" me? Is that where my value really is? By tying my satisfaction (not in the physical sense, but the emotional sense) to what other's think about me - trying to CONTROL by scale/body/performance is still trying to control what someone else is feeling. It is really shouting "I need you to want me/admire me/think about me so that I can feel good about me" and if I'm not doing those things, if my gifts aren't enough, then you couldn't possibly want me for me. I can only see me as valuable if YOU do. My value is in what I do for you and what you reflect back to me. Hello, External Validation, my old friend. And it's wonder twin - What Do You Think About Me?

I need you to feel a certain way about me so that I can be okay. Well, now that just looks stupid, doesn't it? It's one of my mis-held beliefs taken to a whole new level. Nowhere in this was there room for me to be what/who I really am. I am warm, loving, affectionate, very earthy, sensual, demonstrative, playful woman. I am enough - even when standing still. I need to get out of my own way and be who I really am so that I can get what I really want. I am taking responsibility for my own life, on all levels. I am striving for self-acceptance and it is an inside job. It's independent of scale, wallet, mirror, possessions, haircut, job, perceived "hotness" and performance. I'm tired of judging my book by it's cover. It is being okay, dare I say, happy with Just Me. It's more about losing the shame than losing the weight.

I've been so busy trying (and failing) to be what I think others need me to be that I never took the time to get to know the real me. Or to let the authentic me be. And yet, I expect others to somehow make things right for an entity (the authentic me) that they've never met. I hold them responsible and at fault. Yet another exercise in resentment building. I commit the emotional equivalent of dishonesty by omission and I hold others responsible for it. And I begin to bitch because I'm not treasured. Well, it seems to me that no one is pirate enough to find where I've buried this treasure. No one could be.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Dig Deep.

ETA: I am enough even when standing still is not my own composition. It came from another participant in this. It just resonated with me. I am enough just standing still.

Went back to the Tone-N-Tighten class yesterday and it was wonderful. So I'll try to keep that on my calendar for a couple of days a week. Now to throw in some cardio on the other days. Food was good yesterday - had two office birthday parties (and another one on Friday) and I managed to avoid the cake. New strategy - I had a cup of flavored decaf instead. I don't normally drink coffee after my morning cup or two, but this kept me perfectly satisfied at the gathering. I'll try to remember that. I had dinner with a friend at a Mexican restaurant and I'm blaming sodium for the bounce. I'm not worried about it - I know that I am highly susceptible to the sodium swing.

Today I think I'll take a spin class and later on, I've got a meeting to attend. Slate looks pretty full from here on out through next week, actually. Lots of dining out, so I will have to plan accordingly. Oh, and speaking of dining - today's lunch is a Fiesta Green Salad with black-eyed peas as the protein source. More of that creative cooking!

And drum roll, please:

Kitchen repair starts on Tuesday! Yee Haw!


  1. Love this!! And your reflections bring me back to the year 2005, when I stood in the kitchen, crying, and asked my husband if he'd be happier if I lost weight. He paused (poor guy) and said, "I think you'd be happier if you lost weight, and if you were happier, that would make me happy."

    He has loved and accepted me at every weight I've been. I'll even go as far as to say that he's been physically attracted to me at every weight I've been. That what he tells me...he's only ever had love/lust in his eyes for me :-)

    It took me a long while, but I finally got it. And now that I feel the same way he does, I'm a much better partner, not just in bed, but in life.

  2. That's previous comment doesn't include my whole name!

  3. I share some of your frustrations here. How is it that loving and accepting yourself for what you are seems to be the hardest thing to do? Why do we need to be validated by someone else? It's a great thing to be able to work through that, keep up the great work!

  4. Wow, Roxie. There is tremendous depth and self awareness in this post. I never thought about how pervasive external validation as a requirement for my sense of well being is. Nor how believing I must look a certain way to be acceptable is a form of control, or trying to control.

    This reminds me of how I torture myself when I'm around my in-law family (who you know I love dearly and am close with) because I am not as good looking nor as thin as they are. Truly self torture. This is wonderful material for reflection and helping me with my own journey.

  5. Thanks again Roxie for an incredible post!

    Thank you for sharing in the joy of my good news and for being there for me in both the good and challenging times.

    I am definitely paying attention to my habit of pleasing others and need for external validation. Your post articulates so well many of my own buried thoughts.

  6. I think you've been inside my mind! And we're both coming to the same conclusions. Imagine that!

  7. Roxie, I absolutely loved reading: I am enough - even when standing still.' That is such a beautiful phrase.
    I have issues with validation. I've always counted on others to tell me whether or not I was worthy, doing things right, looked good enough....a very sad cycle when you don't have enough faith in yourself. I'm so grateful that you are experiencing clarity. Thank you for sharing this post.

  8. I have spent most of my life trying to be the person who I perceived others wanted me to be, when in reality, I've discovered that hardly anybody really cared. What an eye opener! And a release. As usual, enjoying your journey of self-discovery.

  9. I am beginning to think that you need to compile these hate-loss blogs into a booklet that should then become mandatory reading for women of a certain age.

    For now, this is another I have to bookmark.

  10. What a lovely post. Thank you for sharing that. I needed to hear this today.

  11. I loved your post - especially about "it's an inside job".

  12. loved it... needed to read this. thanks!


We'll try this for a while.