Thursday, January 6, 2011

Perfect Parts


For the most part, I've given up ANTS (automatic negative thoughts), that internal Voice that talks to me in hurtful and, I think, harmful ways. I made that a personal theme a few years ago to give that up and I realized that in many ways, it's just a habit that I'd picked up and like most habits, if I worked at it, I could stop it. I wore a touchstone bracelet to remind me to speak to me in a more loving voice - to talk to myself like I would my daughter.

Recently, I participated in the www.daytwenty.com exercise. One daily part of the exercise is to spend some time each day while doing hair, make-up, etc naked. The idea was to normalize our thoughts and perceptions about our body. Needless to say, this was not my favorite part of the experience, but it was enlightening. My personal theme for this year is to live more authentically, to be more real and more true to myself. So when Ellen came up with the brilliant idea for the Hate Loss Challenge, I knew where I wanted to concentrate my efforts.

I thought I had a body image issue, but I really don't. Oh, I'd like to be all firm and perky and taut - I mean who wouldn't? But as I started the Challenge, I realized that I have a brain problem, not a body problem. It's not at all about how I wanted to look, but how I wanted to feel. And that how I wanted to feel was absolutely attainable. It's within my power. I was too busy being caught up in what others might be thinking that I wasn't getting what I wanted to feel. I wasn't allowing myself to be authentic. I am too afraid of being vulnerable. Too afraid to be who I am. That because of what I'd done to my body through obesity, pregnancy and age, I didn't deserve, that I hadn't earned the right. There. I said it. I didn't believe that I was worthy. I didn't believe that I deserved it. Holy shit.

I assumed that I would look at myself during nekkid time and find something positive to say about my body, thinking that if I thought more positive about my parts, then I would be more confident and less inside-my-head-screaming "OH MY GOD I"M NAKED" during co-ed nekkid happy time. And I got my answer. All I need to do is find the only man in the world with a clavicle fetish cause I have some (one? two?) super hot collar bones!

But as I began to write down my affirmation words, I realized what I wanted had absolutely nothing to do with perfect parts - I have all the parts I need and they function just fine. What came to me as I began to write words describing how I wanted to feel, not how I needed to look, what came to me with such force that it was astounding, was that I realized that I didn't think that a body such as mine deserved to be......well. I don't believe that I deserve affection. That the underlying feeling I have during "All Skate" is that I am ashamed/sorry feel like I am subjecting my partner to some fate worse than death. I feel like I should somehow apologize. And this isn't Bick - this is me. This is mine. I've been this way since before Bick ever came into the picture. And it would be easy to make this Fred Astaire's problem, but I think the issue stays with me, Ginger. And the fact that the dancing on the ceiling is now done without the "benefit" of top hat, tails and champagne goggles makes it a bit more, well, stark.

So now I set about reframing all of this for me. As I've said in the past, I've come to terms with how I look, it's now time to shatter this belief that I am undeserving.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Bare your beliefs.

-Roxie

10 comments:

  1. It's quite fascinating how when we really stop to think about what we want, it usually isn't what we originally thought.

    Thinking about our bodies in a new and different way is what can lead to great satisfaction. It's about creative thinking. In fact, I'm writing a blog post on this very topic this evening.

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  2. Roxie, you have managed to nail in week one what I think SO many of us are still trying to figure out. As I was reading your words, I had an 'aha' moment myself. I spent so much time focusing on FORCING myself to say positive things, thinking that if I said them enough it would become second nature; but you've just made me realize that I can spend all day trying to compliment a physical part of me, when that really isn't the issue at all. I feel somehow undeserving, too. Where that came from will take years of therapy to correct, I expect. But it's now out there. I'm so glad you've opened it up and are letting some air get to it. Beautifully, courageous post. And so helpful to others. Thank you.

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  3. "I realized that I have a brain problem, not a body problem. It's not at all about how I wanted to look, but how I wanted to feel" OMG - I had never thought of this before! Now I will spend my day thinking about this and what it is I want to feel. Very profound. And that naked thing... making me cringe just imagining doing it for myself:(

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  4. " was too busy being caught up in what others might be thinking that I wasn't getting what I wanted to feel. I wasn't allowing myself to be authentic. I am too afraid of being vulnerable. Too afraid to be who I am. That because of what I'd done to my body through obesity, pregnancy and age, I didn't deserve, that I hadn't earned the right. There. I said it. I didn't believe that I was worthy. I didn't believe that I deserved it. Holy shit."

    That may be the most perfect paragraph ever written describing what most of us feel: unworthy and undeserving in some way.

    What a breakthrough.

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  5. This is great work you're doing Roxie, and very generous of you to share it. I've recently been reading Marianne Williamson's Course in Weight Loss and starting some of the work suggested in the lessons. I'm going to write about it soon. It's powerful stuff strives to get us to looking at those deep beliefs about ourselves and perceptions of our inherent UNworthiness.

    Your writing about having a brain problem, not a body problem resonates. In AA I hear "I don't have a drinking problem, I have a thinking problem." Yep.

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  6. You are all over the place in this post ("All Skate") and the funny thing is I understood everything you wrote 100%.

    So glad you are taking us on your journey of self-discovery...because I, for one, am getting a lot of my feelings validated by what you are writing. Thank you.

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  7. It's not just the gals your thoughts are having an effect on either! That's a difficult thing to untangle - how I feel vs how I think I look vs how I think I want to look. Sure sounds like you've picked up all the right threads though.

    Thanks for sharing your thought process AND all those catchy metaphors!

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  8. I got chills reading this post. You've just encapsulated and distilled into a few paragraphs what it's really about.

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  9. so glad to meet ou through this challenge! thank you for your insights and vulnerability! - Veronica

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  10. i have to say something else... as a single woman, and reading your post - it hit me hard. VERY hard.

    i thought that it was my weight that made me feel like it would shame a man to love me... that i'd be an embarrassment to him... but what i'm finding as i read through amazing, beautiful bloggers like you and ellen is that... those feelings don't go away with the weight... because they are deep rooted. i realized how much work is ahead of me... but... i'm grateful for you post because knowing is half the battle.... wow. i have a lot to think and pray about. thanks again!

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We'll try this for a while.