Thursday, January 6, 2011
For the most part, I've given up ANTS (automatic negative thoughts), that internal Voice that talks to me in hurtful and, I think, harmful ways. I made that a personal theme a few years ago to give that up and I realized that in many ways, it's just a habit that I'd picked up and like most habits, if I worked at it, I could stop it. I wore a touchstone bracelet to remind me to speak to me in a more loving voice - to talk to myself like I would my daughter.
Recently, I participated in the www.daytwenty.com exercise. One daily part of the exercise is to spend some time each day while doing hair, make-up, etc naked. The idea was to normalize our thoughts and perceptions about our body. Needless to say, this was not my favorite part of the experience, but it was enlightening. My personal theme for this year is to live more authentically, to be more real and more true to myself. So when Ellen came up with the brilliant idea for the Hate Loss Challenge, I knew where I wanted to concentrate my efforts.
I thought I had a body image issue, but I really don't. Oh, I'd like to be all firm and perky and taut - I mean who wouldn't? But as I started the Challenge, I realized that I have a brain problem, not a body problem. It's not at all about how I wanted to look, but how I wanted to feel. And that how I wanted to feel was absolutely attainable. It's within my power. I was too busy being caught up in what others might be thinking that I wasn't getting what I wanted to feel. I wasn't allowing myself to be authentic. I am too afraid of being vulnerable. Too afraid to be who I am. That because of what I'd done to my body through obesity, pregnancy and age, I didn't deserve, that I hadn't earned the right. There. I said it. I didn't believe that I was worthy. I didn't believe that I deserved it. Holy shit.
I assumed that I would look at myself during nekkid time and find something positive to say about my body, thinking that if I thought more positive about my parts, then I would be more confident and less inside-my-head-screaming "OH MY GOD I"M NAKED" during co-ed nekkid happy time. And I got my answer. All I need to do is find the only man in the world with a clavicle fetish cause I have some (one? two?) super hot collar bones!
But as I began to write down my affirmation words, I realized what I wanted had absolutely nothing to do with perfect parts - I have all the parts I need and they function just fine. What came to me as I began to write words describing how I wanted to feel, not how I needed to look, what came to me with such force that it was astounding, was that I realized that I didn't think that a body such as mine deserved to be......well. I don't believe that I deserve affection. That the underlying feeling I have during "All Skate" is that I am ashamed/sorry feel like I am subjecting my partner to some fate worse than death. I feel like I should somehow apologize. And this isn't Bick - this is me. This is mine. I've been this way since before Bick ever came into the picture. And it would be easy to make this Fred Astaire's problem, but I think the issue stays with me, Ginger. And the fact that the dancing on the ceiling is now done without the "benefit" of top hat, tails and champagne goggles makes it a bit more, well, stark.
So now I set about reframing all of this for me. As I've said in the past, I've come to terms with how I look, it's now time to shatter this belief that I am undeserving.
Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Bare your beliefs.