Thursday, January 20, 2011
Performing, Perfecting, Pleasing, Proving*
This Hate-Loss Challenge is brought to you by the Letter P.
I've wandered far afield this week. The Voice is now saying "I can't believe you got to be 50 years old and still haven't figured this out! Finding yourself went the way of shag carpet, 8 track tapes, and Chevy Good Times vans. You are a walking cliche'".
But here's the deal - I lost the weight. I did the thing that I was sure for most of my lifetime was the problem. I fixed it. Mostly permanently. I now "fit in" because I look like a normal person. I no longer wear my lack of self-esteem as a fat badge for all to see. I'm cured, right? I'm no longer obese. I got the thing that I wanted.
Except that it didn't fix everything. And granted, I much prefer being fit and healthy. It's made an enormous difference in my life - but I'm still dragging along those things that debilitated me and IMHO lead to my obesity in the first place - my lack of self-acceptance, innate worthiness, self-esteem. I did not know/accept/believe that I am enough, just standing still.
But by dealing with some of these issues, I can come not to a place not that stops me from wanting the cupcake because I am always going to want a cupcake or three, but to a place of treating myself with lovingkindness and choosing to make better, more loving choices in how I treat me. I do for myself because I want to because I value myself, not because it will change how other's see me.
It was once said to me, "I've never seen anymore who would jump in front of a bullet faster than you. Sometimes it seems like you don't know how to do things in your own best interest." My own self interest? Why that would be selfish! Surely a mortal sin - selfish. So each decision to eat right, each decision to exercise, each decision to keep my wallet in my purse, each decision to let the trinket stay on the store shelfs becomes an act of self-care, not an act of selfishness.
So I am, as they say in recovery, peeling the onion; exposing each layer of shame, mis-held beliefs and destructive patterns to thoughtful contemplation. I'm doing a ton of work by being still and letting my authentic self come to the surface. Letting go of performing, perfecting, pleasing and proving in an effort to fit in and striving for belonging, instead.
So as part of my hate loss challenge is stopping the "should" voice in my head. The one that says I should do instead of just be. Again, doing, for the right reasons is a wonderful path to gaining all sorts of good inner stuff. But if performing, perfecting, pleasing, proving become the only way I can feel good about me, then my priorities are pisspoor.
*according to Dr. Brene Brown, these are the things we do to "fit in"
Doing some morning exercise and the 15 minutes (seems I go longer) of soul/spirit/self work. I made food choices that were suspect this afternoon, but I can live with it. More rest will help.
Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Start now.