Monday, March 21, 2011

Bick as Bellwether

What he said while we were sitting on the tarmac at SeaTac was "I will be glad to get home." What I heard was something entirely different. What my people-pleasing, overly responsible, everything-revolves-around-me, here-let-me-fix-it/handle-it self heard was " I did not have a good time." That's the way my brain can twist things around. Luckily, I immediately applied logic and determined (internally, of course) that he could have had the best time in the world and STILL be glad to be going home. And even if he had a lousy time, it was HIS. It is amazing how I can twist myself up in knots about what I THINK other's think or feel.

I am fortunate to have had those thoughts on Saturday because seeing my traits in a true light can help me in other relationships as well. I felt a great deal of guilt about going to Washington. This behavior is one that is the hardest for me to put down and leave alone. I feel guilty because I went and my FOO (family of origin) did not go. Should I feel guilty? No, I should not. Everyone has their own choices to make and the FOO's could go without me if they chose to. They choose not to. However, I still feel guilt and assume they are going to make me feel even worse, so I avoid them because I don't want to deal with any of it. But because of the realization on Saturday that even if Bick did not have a good time, I was not responsible for the success nor the failure. It helped me realize (yet again) that I am not responsible for the FOOs or whatever feelings they may have.

So even though I wanted to avoid, I didn't. I picked up the phone and called. And it was okay, as most of this stuff was just crap I'd built up in my own head. They get to feel however they feel. I don't need to try to change the way I feel, explain my actions or take some action to allow them to avoid feeling whatever they are feeling. All this is old ground, to be sure, but for me, it bares repeating and often.

Sunday was a glorious day, when I finally got all the time zones and time changes sorted out. I slept poorly, was up and down most of the night and then overslept and completely missed church. I headed on into the office and spent more time than I had planned, but it will certainly make re-entry easier today. I then went to an open house at one of the condos I looked at a couple of weeks ago. It's the one that truly is Grandma's condo. It has the best location, but hasn't been updated at all. I'll put in an offer that will afford me the ability to do some updating and the estate can take it or leave it. The listing agent running the open house did nothing to make me feel any better about the whole industry, however. I asked some questions, some of which I already knew the answers to, and she just made stuff up if not flat out lied about some things. Used-car salesmen with Botox and diamonds. And she's one of the premier names in town. Sheesh. I'm liking my agent more and more. At least she seems to be looking out for my best interests.

That took a bit longer than I'd anticipated, so my bike ride on Sunday afternoon was truncated, but I was glad to get it in, even if I was functioning as a human sail in the strong winds. It felt good to be out, but I sure could tell how much I've slipped over the winter. I look forward to more after work riding, now that the time has changed.

Came in from my ride, got cleaned up quickly and headed out for a meeting. Did my grocery shopping and came home and prepared the first good-for-me meal I've had in a while. It feels great to be back into my routine. I am hopeful it will turn out to be the routine that is good-for-me and not the one I've been slumping around in for the last month or so. This week marks my return to my old office, so I will be glad of that, as well. Back into my groove with my regular exercise, normal food, regular eating times and places. I'm looking forward to it.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Kind, but not responsible.



  1. ahh guilt.
    theres a healthy slathering of that in my family with (FOO :)) everything we do and I finally decided that, for me, the gword shall only be used when I act in a way that violates my moral code.

    Im sorry about this interaction:
    Used-car salesmen with Botox and diamonds

    but love your writing so much I almost feel guilty :) that I enjoyed the way you wove the words about it.

  2. I might have a *slight* tendency to twist other people's comments, too. :) Complete waste of time, energy, and emotion, but it still happens. Good for you for getting back on track so quickly.

  3. I do the same thing. All the time. It's nice when you can pull yourself back from the brink of guilt. Good job! I like what Miz said about narrowing what kind of things deserve it. I almost got my feelings hurt and ruined my son's wedding. I just kept applying those same concepts you did. When I take me out of it, it always pulls me back from the brink.

    Those kind of botox/diamonds people make me nervous. It is so funny how those kind of people can lie with the greatest of ease. Good for you for doing your homework and being prepared. My daughter is like that. Then she ruins it by calling the person on it. UGH.

    Enjoy your day and routine!

  4. It is so hard not to project our own thoughts onto other people.

    I struggle with always wanting people to have a good time and feeling responsible if they don't.

    I like the term, FOO, too LOL!

  5. Why am I now thinking of the FOO Fighters? And maybe that's why they picked their name?!? Interesting...

    Duck's back...that's the mantra I employ when I'm around anyone who might have the power to change how I feel about things..."just let it roll like water off a duck's back" - repeat as needed. :)

    Good luck with the condo offer.

  6. It's difficult not to overthink things. I do it often so I understand. I also rate myself:did I sound stupid, did I make someone feel uncomfortable, am I too boring, do I talk enough, did I talk too much? That sort of thing.

    Hope the condo deal is smooth and you don't have to deal with botox and diamonds too much. I had to laugh at that.

  7. I used to be the same way Roxie - I internalized everything that I thought people were thinking, when in reality it was just my overactive imagination.

    It helps that my husband is an AWESOME communicator, and finally gave me the courage to speak up for myself - I was the queen of "as long as everyone else is happy then I'll be happy too." That never works, and I am glad you are figuring it out too.


  8. I loved this post so much (especially the last line) that I just quoted you on Facebook with a link to your blog!

    So yeah, my husband travels a lot for business and the last time he was away, he called from the airport and said that he often feels melancholy on the flight home. Whaaaa??? What I heard was "I feel sad that I have to go home," which is not at all what he said or meant! And I knew it, too. But it didn't stop my mind from "going there."

  9. I have a very creative mind (and not in a good way). I can conjure up conversations that haven't even taken place, yet. I think a lot of it comes from past experience, though. I tend to expect what I've previously had, if that makes sense; this only happens with select people, too. You have tremendous insight on the whole thing; more than half the battle's been won!

  10. Ahh, yes - the queen of awfulizing. But you recognize it and nip it in the bud. That's progress! Keep working it.


We'll try this for a while.