What he said while we were sitting on the tarmac at SeaTac was "I will be glad to get home." What I heard was something entirely different. What my people-pleasing, overly responsible, everything-revolves-around-me, here-let-me-fix-it/handle-it self heard was " I did not have a good time." That's the way my brain can twist things around. Luckily, I immediately applied logic and determined (internally, of course) that he could have had the best time in the world and STILL be glad to be going home. And even if he had a lousy time, it was HIS. It is amazing how I can twist myself up in knots about what I THINK other's think or feel.
I am fortunate to have had those thoughts on Saturday because seeing my traits in a true light can help me in other relationships as well. I felt a great deal of guilt about going to Washington. This behavior is one that is the hardest for me to put down and leave alone. I feel guilty because I went and my FOO (family of origin) did not go. Should I feel guilty? No, I should not. Everyone has their own choices to make and the FOO's could go without me if they chose to. They choose not to. However, I still feel guilt and assume they are going to make me feel even worse, so I avoid them because I don't want to deal with any of it. But because of the realization on Saturday that even if Bick did not have a good time, I was not responsible for the success nor the failure. It helped me realize (yet again) that I am not responsible for the FOOs or whatever feelings they may have.
So even though I wanted to avoid, I didn't. I picked up the phone and called. And it was okay, as most of this stuff was just crap I'd built up in my own head. They get to feel however they feel. I don't need to try to change the way I feel, explain my actions or take some action to allow them to avoid feeling whatever they are feeling. All this is old ground, to be sure, but for me, it bares repeating and often.
Sunday was a glorious day, when I finally got all the time zones and time changes sorted out. I slept poorly, was up and down most of the night and then overslept and completely missed church. I headed on into the office and spent more time than I had planned, but it will certainly make re-entry easier today. I then went to an open house at one of the condos I looked at a couple of weeks ago. It's the one that truly is Grandma's condo. It has the best location, but hasn't been updated at all. I'll put in an offer that will afford me the ability to do some updating and the estate can take it or leave it. The listing agent running the open house did nothing to make me feel any better about the whole industry, however. I asked some questions, some of which I already knew the answers to, and she just made stuff up if not flat out lied about some things. Used-car salesmen with Botox and diamonds. And she's one of the premier names in town. Sheesh. I'm liking my agent more and more. At least she seems to be looking out for my best interests.
That took a bit longer than I'd anticipated, so my bike ride on Sunday afternoon was truncated, but I was glad to get it in, even if I was functioning as a human sail in the strong winds. It felt good to be out, but I sure could tell how much I've slipped over the winter. I look forward to more after work riding, now that the time has changed.
Came in from my ride, got cleaned up quickly and headed out for a meeting. Did my grocery shopping and came home and prepared the first good-for-me meal I've had in a while. It feels great to be back into my routine. I am hopeful it will turn out to be the routine that is good-for-me and not the one I've been slumping around in for the last month or so. This week marks my return to my old office, so I will be glad of that, as well. Back into my groove with my regular exercise, normal food, regular eating times and places. I'm looking forward to it.
Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Kind, but not responsible.