Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Letting Go of Old Postures

Because I've spent nearly a lifetime living in all sorts of fear, I've closed myself off from others. I assumed the defensive position and assumed everyone was out to do me harm. Letting go of this defense-first stance has been one of the hardest things. My fear has kept me out of so many situations and caused me so much anxiety for so long. If I couldn't control it, I wanted no part of it. If I couldn't be perfect at it, I wouldn't do it. If I didn't have all the answers going in, I wouldn't participate.

It has been so freeing and liberating to let go of much of that. To be free to be who I really am and to be authentic. The flipside of that coin is that I must allow others to be who they are - good, bad or indifferent. Learning to trust someone when I'm not in charge or in control or not the smartest in the room is tough for me. And when I get a whiff of something doesn't feel right, I really have to struggle not to cut and run. While I don't want to be a lamb led to slaughter, I do need to learn to ask questions rather than just flee or fight. There is a middle ground and I can take that path. I can say that something makes me uncomfortable or that I don't understand. I do not have to flounce off in a huff, complete with the dramatic door slam. I'm good at those things. I can pull of an exit like nobody's business. The thing is, that strategy never got me anywhere but gone. Little opportunity for growth when I return to the same spots over and over.

All of this to say is that I'm a bit disappointed with my real estate agent. I got a whiff of her acting in her best interest and not completely in mine. Could be my lack of understanding or naivety as to how all this works - cut to the chase - my offer has not been submitted yet as we (the agent and I) had a disagreement/misunderstanding on the financing. She wants me to have decided on my financing BEFORE she submits the offer. Based upon what I've seen with Pebbles and Slater the financing side of the house brings forth a whole 'nother set of negotiations. I am SURE that I will secure financing - I've already pre-qualified - and it's none of the seller's business where I actually end up. So I asked for an explanation and I got an answer that I'm not completely satisfied with, but I think I can still go through with this. I am hopeful that MY financing source - my credit union will come through for me as they have for Pebbles and Slater and I will leave the mortgage broker (suggested by my agent) alone.

I do not want to not completely trust her as I want to be Pollyanna and believe that people will be straightforward and trustworthy and completely above-board. So I will move forward, but verify. This is a learning process. With each foray into this area, I learn a little bit more. Having Pebbles, Slater and Bick all in sort of the same spot makes sharing support and information much easier. As noted, I am not dreading this entire process, but instead look forward to the opportunity to learn a few things and hone my instincts.

Food was spot on yesterday. I didn't get in any exercise however as I spent what free time I had either dealing with my income taxes or house buying. Certainly spent the day in my big girl drawers, for sure.

Today brings a lunchtime workout and I think I'm going to attend an academic lecture tonight on the Middle East. I am hopeful it will be an unbiased and educational experience.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Trust, but verify - at least a time or two.



  1. FEAR! The real "F" word. Robs me and doesn't want me to progress. Likes to keep me stuck. Relationship? No thank you. Too scary. Yep, I can relate.

    Wish I could offer help on the house buying. Trust your instincts. Be skeptical. You don't have to cut and run. I think you will have an easier time this time just cause your kids and Bick are going through the same thing.

    I usually take my kid with me if it's something big. She's got great instincts too. Sometimes a friend/family member will be blunt and ask the hard questions for you. Kind of like good cop bad cop. It's tried and true! Especially for a "scardy" cat like me :)

    I really need to check out the lecture circut around here. Enjoy the lecture. I would totally go with!

  2. Well I say that the agent should have been upfront about that if that's what she expected. Not sure what to think other than we did not have to do that. Yes, we prequalified to see how "much" house we could afford but the financing was not put in place until after our offer was accepted.

    ITA with Dana, fear is the real "F" word.

  3. Are you prequalified or preapproved? Prequalified generally means that they did not pull your credit and there's no real credibility or obligation to extend a loan.

    It really depends on whether or not there will be multiple offers on the property. If there's only one offer, then the seller may take someone who's pre-qualified. If there are two offers, then the pre-approved person moves to the front of the line.

    Since pre-qualified is basically worthless, you are asking the seller to take the property off the market on the off-chance you get financing at acceptable terms. Someone with a preapproval is much more likely to make it through to the actual purchase.

    Texas is different from California, but my Realtor (who is friggin' awesome!) told me not to bother getting my hopes up without preapproval. I was buying on the downside of the real estate bubble, but before the mortgage mess. I bought in a great buyer's market, but preapproval was a barrier to entry.

    Why do you think her advice is not in your best interest?

  4. Trust your gut, Roxie. You've been doing this long enough to know when something isn't sitting just so.
    As far as fear? I swear, learning to let go of it MUST be the true secret to life. If I could just do that one thing I'd call the rest of my life pretty much perfect.

  5. It must have been exhausting to spend so much of your life being on the defensive. I'm glad you have been able to relax and let go of that stance...and your qualms, and commenter Christine's answer, are all so valid. Exactly WHY buying property is such a pain. No matter what, you'll get through this, you'll be ok, and in the end, you'll have a place of your own. And all will be good. :)


We'll try this for a while.