Because I've spent nearly a lifetime living in all sorts of fear, I've closed myself off from others. I assumed the defensive position and assumed everyone was out to do me harm. Letting go of this defense-first stance has been one of the hardest things. My fear has kept me out of so many situations and caused me so much anxiety for so long. If I couldn't control it, I wanted no part of it. If I couldn't be perfect at it, I wouldn't do it. If I didn't have all the answers going in, I wouldn't participate.
It has been so freeing and liberating to let go of much of that. To be free to be who I really am and to be authentic. The flipside of that coin is that I must allow others to be who they are - good, bad or indifferent. Learning to trust someone when I'm not in charge or in control or not the smartest in the room is tough for me. And when I get a whiff of something doesn't feel right, I really have to struggle not to cut and run. While I don't want to be a lamb led to slaughter, I do need to learn to ask questions rather than just flee or fight. There is a middle ground and I can take that path. I can say that something makes me uncomfortable or that I don't understand. I do not have to flounce off in a huff, complete with the dramatic door slam. I'm good at those things. I can pull of an exit like nobody's business. The thing is, that strategy never got me anywhere but gone. Little opportunity for growth when I return to the same spots over and over.
All of this to say is that I'm a bit disappointed with my real estate agent. I got a whiff of her acting in her best interest and not completely in mine. Could be my lack of understanding or naivety as to how all this works - cut to the chase - my offer has not been submitted yet as we (the agent and I) had a disagreement/misunderstanding on the financing. She wants me to have decided on my financing BEFORE she submits the offer. Based upon what I've seen with Pebbles and Slater the financing side of the house brings forth a whole 'nother set of negotiations. I am SURE that I will secure financing - I've already pre-qualified - and it's none of the seller's business where I actually end up. So I asked for an explanation and I got an answer that I'm not completely satisfied with, but I think I can still go through with this. I am hopeful that MY financing source - my credit union will come through for me as they have for Pebbles and Slater and I will leave the mortgage broker (suggested by my agent) alone.
I do not want to not completely trust her as I want to be Pollyanna and believe that people will be straightforward and trustworthy and completely above-board. So I will move forward, but verify. This is a learning process. With each foray into this area, I learn a little bit more. Having Pebbles, Slater and Bick all in sort of the same spot makes sharing support and information much easier. As noted, I am not dreading this entire process, but instead look forward to the opportunity to learn a few things and hone my instincts.
Food was spot on yesterday. I didn't get in any exercise however as I spent what free time I had either dealing with my income taxes or house buying. Certainly spent the day in my big girl drawers, for sure.
Today brings a lunchtime workout and I think I'm going to attend an academic lecture tonight on the Middle East. I am hopeful it will be an unbiased and educational experience.
Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Trust, but verify - at least a time or two.