Monday, April 11, 2011

Bright Spots


The view out of the dining room doors into the back garden.

I had a wonderful weekend. I got to spend time with friends - biking on Saturday with Talia and lunch with Valerie on Sunday - plus a bonus hour plus talk with Meg. Everyone is very supportive and oohing and aaahing over the house. Of course, it still has to pass inspection, appraisal, I have to actually secure a mortgage with all the paperwork that is involved with that. And while I do own a piece of property, the prior owner carried the paper on that, so I just signed a contract and I was done. I have a feeling this will be a whole different ballgame. And it is still not a done deal, something could still go awry and my attitude about that is if that's what happens, then it was not supposed to be my house anyway.

In addition to asking about the house, all my friends have asked how I am doing. And I am doing okay. I am okay. At times, I am very sad. When the agent called me to tell me that I had got the house, he was the first person I wanted to call. And when I called Pebbles to tell her that I got the house, she asked if Bick was excited for me.

No, I hadn't told her yet. The timing just wasn't right. The weekend before when she had been over here it was to celebrate her birthday - so the weekend was about her. And yes, she calls me every morning while I am at work and she is out walking her dog, but I knew that I would cry, and so I didn't tell her through the week. And while we have a wonderful relationship, I am still her mother. We are not BFFs. But she knows now.

I am doing okay. I am appropriately sad at times, but I've had some real bright spots, too, over the last couple of weeks - and not even house-related. I guess that part is where I feel I'm exhibiting the most growth - this is not all-consuming. I'm not obsessing over the woulda/shoulda/couldas. If I start down that path, I just repeat my little saying about releasing us both to our own paths and that helps. At some point, I do have some things up there that I will need to get (before he sells his house), but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. No need to let my mind live anywhere but where my butt is. And while this is sad and painful, it is not the end of the world. I do not believe I am destined to wander the moors and call his name. But I used to be that dramatic (I started to write traumatic! ha). I feel like I am processing all of this evenly and in a healthy manner.

I think I'll do some cardio at lunch (HGTV has reappeared on the tv in the gym) and perhaps another topographically challenging ride this evening. Tomorrow afternoon is the inspection. Pebbles is coming over and bringing her inspector, one she has both a personal and professional relationship with - he's doing her/me a favor by coming over into this territory. This will be the first time that she has been inside the house and knowing her, she will be all up in this house! I am very fortunate to have her to advise on this project. I just need to be careful and not lean too much. I need to keep it on an appropriate level.

Nothing else on tap until Saturday when my sister, Pebbles, Slater and I head down south for an ATV tour! I am so excited and hope the weather is good. I bought this trip (hello Groupon) for MY birthday back in October, but we didn't get it scheduled. Now we will use as part of my sister's birthday celebration. We'll do our tour and then have lunch at a country cafe where the waitresses still "Honey, what'll you have" you! Should be a blast!

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Let the bright spots warm you.

-Roxie
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6 comments:

  1. Glad you are processing the Bick thing well. You seem to do very well with boundaries, which I admire.

    And that back yard is beautiful! I am so jealous :D

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  2. So glad brightness and light are coming through even as you grieve the relationship. Unanesthetized living in the present brings it all - you are so strong and thoughtful, allowing your truth in each moment to come forth. That is conscious awake living, and it's beautiful, even when it hurts.

    What an unbelieveable back yard! Nicely landscaped. Hang in, friend.

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  3. What a nice change of pace to hear someone say their daughter can be their friend but does not have to be their BFF. I've felt that way all along.

    I've been all the way back over the weekend and I will agree with the consensus - it's just lovely.

    I like how you've processed the "if it's meant to be thing" and I like how you're processing the Bick thing. All good - and healthy.

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  4. The way you are dealing with everything - Bick, the house - shows how much growth you have made, especially when you know how you would have dealt with things previously. What a testament to the work you've put into changing your attitudes about life, people and expectations.

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  5. "No need to let my mind live anywhere but where my butt is."
    Brilliant.

    I hope the house works out and the paperwork goes smoothly. Buying a home is a real pain in the rear. I do love the back garden view! Someone loved that garden and probably used it as a place of peace. I hope that it will be the same for you.

    I hate breakups. And I am terribly sorry that you have to go through this. Some people are meant to be in our lives for a season and not for the duration. And life goes on.

    You're doing great with everything.

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  6. What a beautiful garden! (Loved the interior pics, as well.)

    Good for you for letting all the emotions (pain, joy, anxiety) have their proper places. We need to feel like we need to breathe. You know you'll merge stronger and even more resilient in the end. And possibly with a lovely home to boot!

    (My captcha word is 'previal' which is practically the same as 'prevail' which is quite fitting, I think. :))

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We'll try this for a while.