Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Tears For Fears


I’ve been facing a good many fears recently. Fear surrounding the purchase of the house; fear surrounding the loss of the relationship. Fears masquerading as facts.

1. Relationship - Missing him and all the fears around that. What was swirling around in my brain was not so much that I was missing him, but that I was missing out. Yes, I do miss him. I miss him a great deal, but what was causing the most angst was not about him at all. My brain was quickly moving from missing him to the “fact” he was my last opportunity to be partnered. I wasn’t really missing him so much as missing the idea of a him. My fears were telling me that I would be alone forever. That I am unworthy and unlovable. To see what was at the root of this really surprised me. And so to face down the fear, I had to not run from it, but turn and face it and try it on for size.

What if I am never partnered again? What would that mean? What would that feel like? Would I forever feel less-than or lacking? Would I forever be trying to balance the ledger against that perceived deficit? Am I really that woman?

And after I tried it on for size, this is how it fit - I may or may not spend the remainder of my life unpartnered. I do not know. I have no way of knowing what is in store for me. If it turns out to be that way, it will be up to me as to how I choose to see things - if I look to others for validation as I have in the past, then my life will be out-of-balance. If I choose to view my life as full - full of many things - people whom I love and who love me back - activities that I find personally fulfilling and exciting - then there will be no room for lack. If I choose to concentrate on the lack, then that lack is all I will see. If I concentrate on the lack, then the lack looms large. The choice is up to me on how I view my circumstances, whatever they might be.

To put this in perspective, my day on Saturday (ATV tour) was not a day of lack. It was a day of completeness. It was a day of fun. And if I am completely honest with myself, it was a day that was better because he wasn’t in it. This part is a little tricky, as I can’t say if this is him or if this is me - and I’m thinking it’s me. If he were with us, I would have been concerned about him having a good time that it would have affected MY ability to have a good time. I think it is precisely in this arena where our neuroses collided - his tendency to be negative about things I thought were fun and my tendency to feel responsible for his good time. I don’t know if that was him and me specifically, or me and men, in general. I tend to think it’s our particular issue, as I felt I was in constant “search” mode - looking for attention, affection and affirmation - things I felt he withheld. I will spend some more time thinking on this.

Coming Soon: My Life As A House

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. What masquerades as truth for you?

-Roxie
139.5

9 comments:

  1. I agree with Anne...wow!

    There are so many pros and cons to every relationship (with partner, family, friends, whoever). I do the same thing with all my relationships...worry that the person is having a good time, and feel responsible for their good time (or bad time). As you have said about yourself, I am also a people pleaser, although not so much the older I get and the more I work through my issues in therapy.

    Very thought-provoking & interesting post. Thank you.

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  2. When you are this honest in your personal assessment of your relationship(s), you are on the right path. Beautiful.

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  3. "If he were with us, I would have been concerned about him having a good time that it would have affected MY ability to have a good time."

    I can totally relate to this and often struggle with the same feelings. Why are women brought up to think we're responsible for everyone else?

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  4. That was a good bit of inventory work on your part. It's surprising what we can reveal to ourselves with that little tool.

    That being said, you - never partnered again? Not gonna happen. When you're ready to have another partner in your life, one will find you, I have no doubt.

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  5. I really enjoy reading about your discoveries into your pysche. They make me reflect on my own as well.
    You are complete just as you stand today. Perhaps a partner would complement your completeness? Share in it? But you are who you are without needing someone to add to it. I think that's a pretty cool thing. :)

    And I'm still a little jealous of your ATV trip and signed up to receive the Dallas Groupons so I don't miss a trip like that! LOL

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  6. Oh, my. When you wrote that your good time was determined as to whether he had a good time or not...that was ME in my first marriage. Excruciating, mentally, because it was always 50/50 as to whether my ex would find something to complain about. That was the ONE thing I noticed when we parted - the one thing that cut through the pain of not having him anymore - because I felt free, and freedom from that kind of burden was truly wonderful.

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  7. I could say a lot. But maybe this is more hopeful. There is a Tears for Fears song called "Sowing the seeds of love"..I can not tell you what the whole song is about but your post made me think about some of the words in that song. Seeds of change and growth.

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  8. Great post. I could totally relate. I have been out of my last relationship for about 2 years and I am in my 50;s so faced alot of the fears that you described. Food for thought. What if we could get to a point of being with someone without judgement and just be ourselves and let them be their selves. What if we could be with someone and let them be however they want. Without us judging them as negative, unaffectionate....What if we get to a point that we can just be who we are.....no matter who we are with because we don't judge the other and let it affect us. Just something I have been exploring lately.

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We'll try this for a while.