Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Tears For Fears
I’ve been facing a good many fears recently. Fear surrounding the purchase of the house; fear surrounding the loss of the relationship. Fears masquerading as facts.
1. Relationship - Missing him and all the fears around that. What was swirling around in my brain was not so much that I was missing him, but that I was missing out. Yes, I do miss him. I miss him a great deal, but what was causing the most angst was not about him at all. My brain was quickly moving from missing him to the “fact” he was my last opportunity to be partnered. I wasn’t really missing him so much as missing the idea of a him. My fears were telling me that I would be alone forever. That I am unworthy and unlovable. To see what was at the root of this really surprised me. And so to face down the fear, I had to not run from it, but turn and face it and try it on for size.
What if I am never partnered again? What would that mean? What would that feel like? Would I forever feel less-than or lacking? Would I forever be trying to balance the ledger against that perceived deficit? Am I really that woman?
And after I tried it on for size, this is how it fit - I may or may not spend the remainder of my life unpartnered. I do not know. I have no way of knowing what is in store for me. If it turns out to be that way, it will be up to me as to how I choose to see things - if I look to others for validation as I have in the past, then my life will be out-of-balance. If I choose to view my life as full - full of many things - people whom I love and who love me back - activities that I find personally fulfilling and exciting - then there will be no room for lack. If I choose to concentrate on the lack, then that lack is all I will see. If I concentrate on the lack, then the lack looms large. The choice is up to me on how I view my circumstances, whatever they might be.
To put this in perspective, my day on Saturday (ATV tour) was not a day of lack. It was a day of completeness. It was a day of fun. And if I am completely honest with myself, it was a day that was better because he wasn’t in it. This part is a little tricky, as I can’t say if this is him or if this is me - and I’m thinking it’s me. If he were with us, I would have been concerned about him having a good time that it would have affected MY ability to have a good time. I think it is precisely in this arena where our neuroses collided - his tendency to be negative about things I thought were fun and my tendency to feel responsible for his good time. I don’t know if that was him and me specifically, or me and men, in general. I tend to think it’s our particular issue, as I felt I was in constant “search” mode - looking for attention, affection and affirmation - things I felt he withheld. I will spend some more time thinking on this.
Coming Soon: My Life As A House
Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. What masquerades as truth for you?