Monday, May 16, 2011
No, I'm not on some crazy-ass program where I'm drinking all sorts of nastiness. I am however, attempting to rid myself of the negativity that I find myself in. I had some expectations (all together now - expectations are just resentments under construction) about what this trip would be like. And aside from a few moments, mostly it wasn't what I expected or could have expected. I felt really manipulated and used and I need to shake it off. I will write a letter of "release" (that won't be sent) and I will set a boundary that won't let me get in that situation again. The interesting question is if those behaviors have always been there and I was unable to see them or if, like most "isms", they are progressive and I am better able to see a violation when it happens. At any rate, I am not going to torpedo a thirty-year relationship with a woman whose days could be numbered in the low four figures. And yea, I feel an insane amount of guilt about even having these feelings about someone in her position.
And speaking of detox, I am, however, course-correcting back to "induction-eating" for a few days (Hi Anne!). My friend pretty much lives on a diet of sweets and I did a lot of "stuffing" while I was away. My sugar-withdrawal headache yesterday was pretty impressive. My normal practice is to gently nudge myself back into my lane, but this past week, I've been swerving all over the road, so it's time to put in some safeguards. I am not so much interested in what the scale says, but I am feeling the effects eating in a way that is not optimal for me - I feel the inflammation and bloat and water-retention and that combination has a direct impact on my energy levels and how I feel mentally. If I get those things right, I have faith in me and my ability to return to my "normal".
Lots of things are happening on the house front. I've given it a new name, which I will reveal a bit later - and I do a walk-thru tomorrow and close on Wednesday. I think I get the keys on Friday, so I've got to get all the utilities switched over in my name. Lots to do this week. I spent most of the day yesterday packing (off and on) and watching Hot In Cleveland on streaming Netflix. I'm pretty much down to only having my day-to-day things left out and accessible. One whole side of my apartment is stacked in boxes four high. It feels like I'm a kid again, snaking through a maze of stuff. There's not much environmental serenity around here right now, but that is soon to change. Can't make a low-carb omelet without breaking some eggs!
Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Accept the things (and people) that I cannot change, but don't give them Carte Blanche.