Wednesday, May 4, 2011
For the first month or so, I guess I was operating on adrenaline - well, maybe not adrenaline, as there wasn't any end-of-relationship drama. No self-righteous indignation to fuel action. None of that - but there was something that I was motoring on (ETA: duh, new house purchase, Roxie) and now it's gone (done) and grief has taken it's place. Or one of the stages of grief - I find I'm cycling through them pretty quickly. And I suppose it's to be expected. So now I am trusting myself to feel the grief. And I guess trusting myself is the key.
Trust versus fear, yet again. I'm trusting myself enough to let myself feel the feelings. As Pema Chodron says "to lean into what hurts". There is a fear that I'll "never recover", but that's not likely. I'll not end up being Miss Havisham - it's just not going to happen. But I have to trust myself enough to let myself fully feel these feelings and have enough faith in myself to know that I will walk through the other side. It's kind of like the fear of re-gaining the weight - like there will be some point where I feel like I've stepped off, never to regain this toehold - which is false. Oh, I may gain some, but I can't unlearn all that I've learned. I might slip from time to time (and now is one of those times), but I have the faith that my selfcare will kick in and I will return to normal - return to me - the me that takes good care of herself by eating healthfully and wants exercise on a daily basis. Right now, I just don't seem to have the energy to get exercise and to avoid baked goods. And I'm not forcing it. It will come back. This is not the slippery slope. We've all heard of intuitive eating? Well, I'm practicing intuitive feelings. I'm having these feelings, feeling them and know that when I've processed this need, that I'll be out the other side.
Combine this with the fourth step work that I'm doing, and well, it's pretty heavy up in here. But I've been doing this kind of work on my own for some time now, so the act of putting things on one side of the ledger or another isn't new for me. But just going through the process has been helpful and my trust advisor has been awesome. Anytime I can take something that causes me pain (usually it's some fear that I'm regarding as truth) and expose it to the light, it becomes easier to deal with.
One of the things that I've discovered recently is my reluctance to make decisions. This came to light in shopping for things for the house. I'd find things I liked, but I'd just leave them be. Now part of is in monetary and part of it is "stuff" related and I've known about that. But there is a part of it that feels that I somehow need "permission" or more likely, some sort of validation of my decision from an external source. So here comes another pain-point in the relationship loss area - and another that has very little to do with him personally. This is about my need for a backstop because I have trouble making decisions solo.
It has been helpful for me to separate out these kinds of things - from missing things specific to Bick and missing things that are generic. Don't know if that makes any sense, but it helps put things into perspective if I am only grieving the things, the losses, that are real.
This isn't meant to be a downer post. I'm not depressed. I don't feel defeated or worthless or any other high-drama thing. I'm just documenting a process that I'm going through as a point of reference, a guide for myself when I have to go through some sort of grieving process again. And I will. Life is not all mountain-top experiences, but they are all learning opportunities. I'm trying to go through this one with my eyes wide open.
Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. There's no way get through it but to go through it.