This weekend has been an exercise is personal growth. I've spent quite a bit of time in tears - not the wailing and wringing my hands kind, but just the sadness, griefy kind.
Valuable Lesson in Letting Go: Avoiding isn't letting go. Out of sight, out of mind really doesn't do much in propelling one forward and it isn't a real strategy for acceptance.
So here we go with a lament-y post regarding Bick. Just some things that I need to get down. I have had no contact with Bick for nearly three months. He sent me a card/note a couple of weeks in telling me that he loved me and missed me so much and that he hoped someday things would be better. I did not respond. He sent me a "Happy Easter" text on, well, Easter, obviously. I did not respond.
Time passes. I've still got quite a few things up at his place. So about two weeks ago I contacted him, telling him only that I'd like to make arrangements to pick up my things and giving him a list of what they were. Some emails/text were exchanged, but I kept my interaction STRICTLY business. There were hooks being dangled, but I didn't bite.
I get a text on Friday telling me that he misses me. And you know, I'm sure he does. I honestly believe that he loved me as much as he was capable of. But nothing has changed. And my realization was that I still wanted it to. That some part of me was holding on to the hope that he would somehow come to his senses and COMPLETELY CHANGE WHO HE IS IN ORDER TO SATISFY ME.
That is not acceptance on any level. I know who he is. He knows who he is. And we both know he isn't going to change. I'm not in any danger of returning, but the real understanding came with me accepting responsibility for my own life and actions. And turning him loose in my mind.
This is where I have to stand by my belief that things do work out. They do. By whatever belief-system we have. Personally, I only have to look at what has happened to me in the last eighteen months to know that, to see it in my own life. The house hunt is the PERFECT example. I kept getting thwarted - and as in the case with the first house, in a really spectacular way. And then there were houses being sold right the second I decided to pursue them. Or sellers dillydallying around until I'd finally lost interest. And then, with this house, a random find followed by a miraculous 20K drop in price. And now I'm here. In a house/neighborhood that fits me to an absolute T. Despite of all of my best efforts to grab and hold onto OTHER things that came my way.
I'm not saying any of this to say that some ONE better is in my future. I do not know what the future holds. I just know that I have to let go of the past. And live strictly and completely in today, loving the life that is here now while anticipating the journey forward.
Anyone who knows me knows how much I love(d) and respect Bick. I've let go of him. Now it's time to let go of the fantasy.
So this evening, I'll make use of my new fire bowl and write down the things it's time to let go of and have a little ritual. Not that I believe that the ritual has any power in and of itself, but the physical act of doing this, along with the writing, can serve as a touchstone and a reminder, should I start to wander backwards.