Thursday, July 21, 2011
I Am Distinct
Distinct? Do they mean distinctive? Because obviously, I am distinct - at least in the physical, scientific sense. I have a shape and a form and it is me. However, if I think of this in the recovery sense, being distinct was not always a concept that I understood. While I've always been distinct in form, I've not always been distinct in action. It's that pesky old boundaries thing again - and knowing where I ended and other's began.
Before getting some therapy/counseling/recovery, I had no idea what boundaries were. Absolutely none. Mine weren't honored and I honored no one's. I quite literally didn't know and because I need things to be simple and easy, it wasn't until I heard, probably from someone on the internet - "not my pig". I could understand "not my pig". As I was raised an ag kid, I could understand that concept. "It's not my pig; not my farm; not my pig farm." And to the chagrin of those around me, that became my saying. And I still say it today "not my pig" - which is shorthand for -it is not my problem; it is none of my business, and I won't cross your fences to get to your pig.
Beginning to learn and enforce boundaries has been the single most important thing in my road to changing my life for the better. When there were no boundaries in place, I ran amok, doing things for people that they were capable of doing for themselves. I felt both resentful and overwhelmed (anxious) and I turned all that stuff inward. Resigning from my position of Ms. Universally Responsible has been the greatest gift I've ever given to me.
Food has been appropriate. Exercise has been there, but not great.
Water bill came in and I am relieved. It was more than the electric bill, but still far less than the horror stories I've been hearing from others. I now know that I can keep things alive, even through a heat wave and still afford to eat.
Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Mind your own pigs.