Saturday, July 23, 2011

I Am Dynamic


I don't feel very dynamic, especially today. I am staying close to the house today, as I am feeling rather fragile. Not physically, but emotionally. Yesterday took me where I could have never imagined when I started the day. It's not a bad thing, actually, it was just a thing. A thing that brought up BIG FEELINGS and so I spent most of the day dealing with, sorting through and trying to figure out why my part in all of this is/was.

Thanks to the wonders of technology, decades old family secrets splattered on Facebook yesterday. Part of it is funny in a really ironic sort of way and part of it is painful - or has been in the past. So I got to take that all back out and re-examine it with some tools/recovery in place. I got to think about it, write about it, meditate on it, not sleep because of it and accept that what happened, just happened. It didn't happen "at me". It just was. It was because of a series of mistakes and misjudgments made by human beings. The same kind of M and M's that I have made. No malicious intent, but that doesn't mean there wasn't collateral damage.

Sorting through forty plus years of flotsam leaves one pretty tired, but there were some bright spots. There was some honesty displayed. Things that were "not talked about" were talked about. Halos got a bit tarnished yesterday. And I got to re-examine some resentments that I'd been carrying for a long time - mis-directed, I might add. I'm sure this isn't the last time I'll get to go "there" as I imagine the fall-out hasn't had time to hit the more Luddite-ish family members - the older folks who were all direct witnesses. It will be interesting to see what happens. No, actually, it won't. I don't want to be a node on that particular grapevine. At this point, it probably just qualifies as gossip, I suppose. But if it's gossiped about, then I guess the secret does lose it's power.

I'm feeling rather like the day-after-the-migraine - where your head doesn't hurt, exactly, but there's some sort of hole where the pain used to be.

I'm off to take a nap, I think. Then I will begin preparations for attending a BBQ in the neighboring county. I only know the hosts and none of the other guests, but I will at least go and have a burger. I will introduce myself to others, practice making eye contact and listening to what they have to say. It's all good practice.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Sometimes you just need to feel your feelings.

-Roxie

5 comments:

  1. I'm sorry. If it makes you feel any better, every family has dark secrets and suffers from dysfunction.

    Even my own family. The family that I thought for years was absolutely perfect, turns out it isn't what I thought. I still love them and it doesn't change my life, just my perspective on things. Actually, makes me more understanding of obvious troubled familes (such as my husband's family).

    Hope you're doing better soon. Just like after a migraine passes, in a few days you almost forget the pain. :)

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  2. So sorry, Roxie. Family stuff can be difficult. I have examined my family dysfunction so many times, and I feel that I am done. No matter how many times I go through it, it still hurts and brings me down. Better, in my case, to look ahead and try to keep it in its place. Not everyone would agree, but after this many years, nothing is going to change--at least for me.

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  3. Sounds like it was a rough day and I'm sorry for you...but glad to hear you made it through in one piece. I guess eventually some things need to get out, although it's hard when it happens.

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  4. "a hole where the pain used to be"

    Although I've never suffered from migraines, this statement is so evocative and I know exactly what you mean. And yep, I'm a big proponent of feeling your feelings :-)

    Also? I'm glad you've picked up doing this series again.

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  5. Facebook can be both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes it reminds me of a real-life soap opera. I deactivated my account a few weeks ago after a long time of flat-out refusing to go there anymore. Not that it was unhealthy, just that there were other things I could be doing with my life. So sorry you were caught up in such drama.

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We'll try this for a while.