Friday, July 29, 2011
I Am Fascinating
I Am Fascinating. One of the definitions of fascinating is a strange curiousity. So, yea, if I'm fascinating it might be in a trainwrecky sort of way. I don't regard fascinating as much of a plus, really.
Fascinating too me seems far too exotic, far too out-of-the-ordinary and requires study, to be a desired outcome for me. I'll take interesting and leave fascinating for others.
Still in the duldrums, still processing some grief but have decided rather than try to distract myself from the feelings, that I will feel them, instead. Fear of feelings and the resulting avoidance causes me far more emotional upheaval than the actual feelings themself. So today, I am honoring my feelings. If I feel like crying - then I will take myself home and I will have a good bawl. My historical default position is eating to self-soothe. But maybe I don't need to distract or soothe - maybe I just need to go with it - to lean into it - to feel and process the sadness and fear. And mostly is just fear. It's not really a lack right now - but of a fear that I will lack something in the future. It's all quite strange, I know.
Trying to get back on track with food and exercise. Today, so far, so good. I will go to the gym in 15 minutes. I will cross the threshold. That's all I can promise myself today.
Take care of yourself. Be kind to others. Be fascinated.