Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Long Range Planning
When I said yesterday that I wouldn't call what I am happy, it doesn't mean that I don't experience joy, peace, smiles and laughter on a daily basis. Happiness is rather fleeting, I think. I'm going for that whole contentment and serenity Platinum level.
I'm doing a lot of recovery-based work and it is hard. I won't call it a struggle, but I will say that it can and does become uncomfortable. I'm seeing, perhaps for the first time, things about myself that I'd really like to change, things that don't serve me well. And now I notice when I act on those thoughts, whereas before, I could go just blindly skipping through the Glitterpods and beribboned trees. Not fun. Not happy. But I know that it is the work I need to be doing. The trick is not be beat myself up over these new insights, but to consider them gifts and just do the best I can with them.
Yesterday, was not one of those days. I failed in my actions and I failed in my reaction to my reaction. So today, I get to work through this. I do know that I never learned one good thing from shaming - either internally or externally. I've got to accept where I am and what I am so that I can move forward.
A friend asked me over the weekend if I'd been out on a date yet. I shocked myself be the intensity of my response, "Oh my god, no". The internal dialog was "How could she even ask that? It's still way too soon." But really, the relationship had been dying a slow death for a long time, and if one goes by the usual one-month per year, then I should be well and truly done. And yes, I still love and care about him, but I am done with him.
So the work I'm doing right now has nothing to do with romance or partnership. It has to do with me, by myself, alone in my head and how I feel and how I operate when the focus is where my butt is - on me and not on someone else. Truthfully, anyone else would be a distraction - and I would abandoned this uncomfortableness and seek refuge in what I know best - avoiding uncomfortable feelings and loosing myself into someone else. No, I am trusting the struggle and feel that I am right where I need to be.
I am leaning into the uncomfortableness of it all rather than doing my usual and avoiding it. I think so much of my life has been spent trying to avoid pain and that resistance has led to such angst. From where I'm sitting, the act of avoidance is worst than the pain itself.
I binged last night. Hadn't done that in a long, long time. But it was also done with the "light on", rather than blindly. I could see a sharp connection between what I was feeling about how I'd reacted earlier in the day and my need to DEFLECT myself from thinking about that. And I'd never noticed that before. So again, with the avoidance and running away - and all my usual de-elevators didn't seem to work. I went to the gym. I went to run some errands. I went to the cheapo beauty school and got my hair styled. And then I still returned immediately to my failure from the day. So what's the ultimate punishment? Ding! Ding! Ding! we have a winner.
So today I get to work on acceptance of all things. That progress isn't necessarily linear, but last night's insight was PROGRESS with a Capital P. And I'll take it, however uncomfortable it might be.
This part of the journey is exciting, it really is. Even if uncomfortable. I am where I need to be, doing the work I need to be doing. My past is trailing behind me, with events and actions lighting up like a web of interconnectedness. For example, I tied yesterday's actions to a similar action I'd taken thirty years ago. Uncanny.
I feel like I'm transitioning into some other type of blogger, but don't know that there is a ready genre out there for me to tap into. So for now, I'll just continue on here, but a bit less frequently, perhaps.
I will close with these two pillars of discovery. It seems as though almost every decision I have made in the past forty years involves one or the other.
1. Avoiding pain at all cost
2. Seeking affirmation from external sources
to know this about myself feels like such a gift.
ETA: Replace my post with this. It's much more succinct.
Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. The journey is the deal.
PIC stolen from Mr. SponsorPants.