Monday, June 4, 2012

Fear of Filing

File Under A for Assumption
The things that I am afraid of, or that are fear based, are many and varied.  This morning, I realized that I am afraid of filing!  I've had a stack of paperwork that I've needed to go through, handle and file and I'd been actively avoiding it (Hello Pinterest!) for several weeks.  So this morning, when I noticed that I had two minutes before I was to walk out the door to spin class (Hello Mr. Beautiful!), I made myself drag my two portable files out from the kitchen cabinet.  Yes, I keep my files in the kitchen in an open shelving unit.  I do this because if I put them away, I will avoid them even more.  I have to make things as easy on myself as possible to make the good-for-me decision.

As I realized the negative feelings that I have about filing, I thought it important that I look at what, exactly, causes this fear.  Upon reflection, I realize that it's almost like the Butterfly Effect - that something adult and business-like is going to happen and I won't be able to handle it - or more to the point, it will make me feel angry and frustrated and I don't want to feel those feelings!  Now let's shine a little bit of The Logic Lamp into this situation - subconsciously, I am afraid that some part of my life - home, auto, insurance, taxes, medical files, etc - will somehow go awry (Assumption One) and I won't be able to handle/fix it (Assumption Two) and  it will make me angry (Assumption Three) and I won't be able to process that anger/frustration (Assumption Four) and the inability to process that anger will kill me (Assumption Five).  All because I have a couple of pieces of paper to file.  Those tracks in my head lead right to Crazy Town.  The good news is that when I really look at what I'm avoiding, filing, in this case, and bring these crazy-assed thoughts and beliefs to the Light Of Logic, then they become silly little puffs of nothing that I can just blow away.

It really makes me wonder exactly how many of those crazy-assed beliefs still exist - how much do they affect my life in ways that I am yet unaware?  Ah, I just thought of another one!  Holy Conclusion-Jumping, Batman - my life is one negative belief right after another -

So my neighbors next door moved out over the weekend - their year lease was up and they are expecting a baby (was due May 28!) so it makes some sense that they would move to a larger place.  Anyway, upon seeing the moving trucks, my head immediately went to - there will be new people moving in and they will be horrible.  Horrible?  Horrible?  WTH?  There are just as many reasons in the world for the new people to turn out to be The.Best.Neighbors.Ever. - but I seem to go negative.  I've already built up a resentment towards them and they haven't even moved in!  Not quite a resentment, but some sort of something.

Other Items of Note from the weekend:


  • AC went out in the house this weekend.  It's fixed, but only temporarily - they need to come back and install a new fan switch.  
  • Worked in my flowers and I'm finally seeing progress that I like
  • Created an antler "sculpture" and placed it in an empty spot in the yard
  • Went to meditation
  • Bought a silk hippy maxi skirt
  • Went to see Moonrise Kingdome - loved it
Take good care of yourself.  Be kind to others.  Feel the fear and do it anyway.

-Roxie



2 comments:

  1. I'm laughing a bit at your new neighbor negativity...is that fear-based, or just getting older and not liking change? I think I tend toward the cranky old lady with things like that...oh, and I have a PILE of crap to be filed, including unopened 401K statements. Avoidance??? Moi??? ;)

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  2. OMG...I have a similar fear of filing but it's based on the idea that once something is filed, I forget about it completely! I need to have everything out in the open so I remember.

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We'll try this for a while.