Friday, July 20, 2012

What Happens Next: The Epilogue

I wasn't going to say anymore about this, but with Lee's spot-on (IMHO) comment on WHN:2, I decided to write a little more.  Given that I am trying to give up" knowing what's best for other people" or pretty quickly attributing values or intent to people (either good or bad)",  I don't know if this is healthy or not, but here goes.  **

Within two minutes of meeting Roy, the red flags were flying.  So I suspect his dislike of me was mutual just as quickly.  We had a difference of opinion over Valerie's proposed business venture.  She was lamenting how hard it was to complete her business plan that she needed to secure financing to open a new business venture.  "All these numbers".  His response?  "You don't need a business plan.  You are putting up your house - you can borrow the money without doing all that."

My response was "well, maybe you don't need it to borrow the money, but it can certainly help serve as a roadmap to help you determine what you need to do to be successful - what milestones you need to hit".

He went on to defend his position and did some "suit wearing MBA" bashing".  (Hi, I'm Roxie, MBA, Class of '92).

Valerie was far more pleased with his response than mine because she didn't want to do the business plan.  And my thought, unsaid, was "It's pretty easy for him to sit here and tell you what you want to hear.  It's not his house being put up on a flyer".  I do realize that a large part of my reaction to this is me projecting MY fears on her, so I kept quiet because it's not my house, either.

And as for the "texting while under the influence" thing?  Drunk is no longer an acceptable excuse for anything with me - being drunk and obnoxious is just being drunk and obnoxious. That is a hard stop these days.  I have lost all tolerance for such.

So yea, I believe Roy made the grand gesture, not for my benefit, but for someone else's.  I haven't exactly figured out if it's Kendra's or Valerie's.  Who it is is none of my business, but I haven't said a word about receiving the flowers to either of them.  To be honest, honest, honest - I am not even sure that he sent them.  The wording on the card sounded very Kendra-like, so I'm thinking she might have done the heavy-lifting on this one.  Roy didn't know my last name or where I worked, so getting the flowers to me required some collusion from one of the two of them.

**Actually, I think my gut instinct is pretty well on. In the past, it became a problem when I ignored or made excuses for what my gut was telling me.  With Our Boy Roy, my needle was buried.  

I do believe what Lee said about "when people show you who they are, believe them".  So I am going with that.  Where I do believe that my progress, healthier self-esteem, is showing is in my decision to let these people (namely Kendra and Valerie) be who they are.  They are people I used to know, who I now enjoy spending time with on occasion.  Doesn't mean that either one of them has to fall into BFF category.  They are companions, not hostages.  Every triad will eventually become a couplet and a single.  I'm the odd woman out here, and that's completely okay.  It is what it is.  I don't need to try to make my relationship with Valerie or Kendra or anyone something that it is not.  That, for me, is progress.

Take good care of yourself.  Be kind to others.  When people show you who they are, believe them.  (because it bears repeating).

-Roxie
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10 comments:

  1. This has been an interesting saga! I love your ever-increasing wisdom and ability to simply and quietly draw boundaries and let people be who they are without judgement or needing to "right them". And staying true to your own self in the process...great stuff Roxie, and instructive for me!

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  2. Wow. Back story makes a difference. Methinks your gut instincts were right on. The business plan thing - if a bank won't front you money to start a business without scrutinizing your business plan, why on earth would anyone bet their house on that same venture without a solid plan? Scary. You're wise to cut & run and not get any more invested. Not your pig, right?

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  3. Well done. You have such wisdom. Letting people be who they are is a tough lesson. And you are so right about the gut - always go with your gut.

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  4. I add my voice in with the others...I love how objective and thoughtful you've been through out, and that you're sharing it. I've been actively trying to give up "knowing what's best for other people and pretty quickly attributing values or intent to people (either good or bad)" as well...not always successful, but I am aware of it :-)

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  5. Beautiful post my friend. Thank you again for the reminder to see the true colors and not repaint them. One of my daily struggles. Thanks for your experience, strength and hope, I needed that today. :)

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  6. I'm beginning to wonder if you might have a book in you, Roxie. So wise & generous.

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  7. Yep, people do show you who they are. It took me a long time to really get that. Denial is not just a rive in Egypt.

    I love how you processed this. You are a great teacher.

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  8. ... Every triad will eventually become a couplet and a single.
    That was very poetic. I have learned this myself, the hard way. Giving up a toxic relationship with a decade long friend taught me that being alone isn't all that bad when your choice of staying on causes greater amounts of discomfort and/or grief. I really grew up when I learned that. And it's okay to be who we are. That takes progress. You've made tons of it, my dear.

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  9. THAT SENTIMENT HAS COME BACK AGAIN AND AGAIN IN MY LIFE
    from the husband to friends to people Ive hired to people whove hired me....
    and it is a lesson I inexplicable keep needing to relearn.

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  10. I too need to remember that lesson and listen to my instincts. Sounds like a very complicated situation.

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We'll try this for a while.