|photo by biogeonerd|
As I sat down yesterday morning to write in my journal, I started with the date, as I always do. August 14. The day my father was killed 41 years ago. That's always the first thought when I see or hear or write that date. My second thought is always "I wonder how my life would have been different had he lived". And yesterday, my response was different.
"What if it was a gift?" Whoa. His death was the real start of my "story", my terminal uniqueness, my victimhood. I've carried it around for years, it was part of my defining narrative. That had he lived, my life would have been so much better. I wouldn't have experienced the hardships, financial and otherwise. And yesterday, I saw, I felt, I knew, really for the first time (duh!) that those were the thoughts and fantasy-escapist thinking of a ten year old. I have no way of knowing what my life would have been like - if it would have been easier or better. I just don't know. The possibility that it could have been worse never entered my mind. Yesterday's revelation certainly broadened my view and showed me once again there are many things that I don't KNOW. It was my story and I believed it - certainly as a coping strategy - but it no longer serves me and yesterday, it just fell away. While it had been my truth, or what passed as my truth, it wasn't THE WHOLE TRUTH.
After thought and input from others, the tree is coming down and out. I need to put a replacement in that spot. I've got another pine tree right off the back door to the house that will need to come down and it is far too close to the house anyway, so no replacement is needed there. I'm thinking of leaving it and building/having built some sort of table thingy around it. Suspend a repurposed chandelier with solar lights, attach an umbrella stand holder, fashion some sort of cool table-top. Who knows. That will be sometime down the line. The tree guy is coming over today at 2 to give me an estimate. If it's decent, then he says they can probably finish the job today.
Looks like there isn't a municipal ride tonight, so Wendy (one of the women I rode with last Saturday morning) suggested we all go for our own ride, so we are doing that. Angela Pea - we are meeting at The Woodshed at 6pm to do a 20. Please join us.
Tomorrow night is book club with Valerie and Kendra. We are, at Kendra's insistence, reading this book. I just finished the first three chapters and I'm not "hooked" yet. However, given my lack of attention span these days, I don't know that I can be anymore.
Friday night, I've been invited to a co-worker's daughters' birthday party. While it's not a formal quinceanera (one daughter is 15 and the other is 16), there is a dinner and a dance. He's invited the entire office, but I don't know if anyone else is attending. I don't think I'll go, which violates my "go where the people are" tenet. I feel like I do need to proffer an answer today - although no RSVP was requested.
That's all the news that's unfit to print. Variations on a theme.
Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Broaden your view.