Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Okay

Things that were okay yesterday:

1.  The AC is fixed temporarily.  A new part(s) is being ordered.  Yes, it's the same part as last time and also the part one step upstream from that one.  Perhaps that was the real issue all along.  We will see.  In the meantime, I'm cool.  And no one is mentioning replacing the system.

2.  Yes, I did manage to get my homeowner's policy on Reatta South cancelled.  And re-instated.  I was supposed to be on electronic billing/notification and had been for years.  However, they stopped sending me notices in April (I pay quarterly) and it just slipped my mind.  My sister uses the same insurance company and has her bills auto-drawn from her checking account on a monthly basis and she gets a mailed notice that looks like mine and  so when she saw those come in for me, she assumed it was a notice just like hers and she didn't think it was anything serious.  Anyway, I did have to pay an idiot penalty, but it did give me the opportunity to review the coverage out there, so I've decided it is all okay.  It did, however, take me over an hour on the phone to get this taken care of.  The good news and personal growth for me is that I did it!

So, those were two things that I just "handled" yesterday without any panic.  I talked my panic-prone self out of panicking.  And I gained some valuable insight into my relationships - a real leap in logic, I know, but valid  for me nonetheless.

One of the tenets of being codependent is not being able to take care of oneself and looking for others to do it.  I had always dismissed this as not applying to me because mygod, how I took care of so many other people.  I'm the caretaker, I'm the responsible one.  Right?  Except when I'm not.  Turns out, I've been harboring a secret rescue fantasy.  Me.  A rescue fantasy.  Perhaps this isn't news to you, but it was surely a revelation to me.  When I wasn't "coupled" anything and everything that went wrong was cause for severe anxiety and panic.  It always felt overwhelming and I just wanted someone else to take care of it:  car repairs, home repairs, car buying, anything involving negotiation or important decision-making, taxes, anything that involved the law or attorneys.  I never translated that overwhelmed feeling of wanting someone else to handle it into wanting someone else to take care of me.  Which led to feelings of "needing" to be coupled.  It fed that feeling of, well, I don't know that it quite qualified as desperation so much as relief from being overwhelmed and it certainly was part of the drive.  Me, Ms. Overly Responsible did not want to be responsible for making decisions and perhaps a mistake, in my own life.

And here's the real kicker - a man who was capable of taking care of those things?  I would set him up on a pedestal as some kind of superhero.  I would attribute all sorts of virtue and values to a man who could do what millions of other people do as a part of their everyday life.  But I made it a SuperPower and gave the bearer a cape.  While the ability to deal with life and all it's negotiations is a good and valid thing, it shouldn't be the thing that binds me to someone.  And this was especially true of Bick, who is highly skilled, competent and decisive - the Gorilla Glue Trifecta.

The lack of confidence, the absence of belief in myself and my ability to do/handle things, really has permeated so many aspects of my life.  For me, it's part of that whole perfectionism thing - not being able to handle the thought of making a mistake because what would people think?  I look so forward to more of life and less of giving two shits about what people think.  Oh, and I also discovered that I tend to bind myself to any decision that I DO make - even when it's wrong - I keep trying to turn that ship around, rather than just take a swan-dive off the gang plank and swim for shore.  Now I realize that there are really few decisions that are THAT important.  It really isn't all black and white.  I can change my mind.  I can make a mistake.  I can choose to do it differently.

Take good care of yourself.  Be kind to others.  Trying to be perfect is always a mistake.

-Roxie


5 comments:

  1. Glad you got some resolutions to those issues. Things like that can really nag even if you aren't being hesitant about dealing with them.

    That last paragraph there describes one of the very things I have working on for myself. Perfectionism is a bitch - one that needs to die.

    ReplyDelete
  2. One of the first things we should teach our kids is how to clean up a mess. How to put toys away, how to grab a roll of paper towels, how to wield a bottle of spray cleaner. It lets them know they can make mistakes and fix them on their own.

    ReplyDelete
  3. WOW! Way to lay it out there. I know that it isn't a secret fantasy with me. Well, not anymore. Thanks for this timely and thought provoking post.

    as always....

    ReplyDelete
  4. This seems to be a lesson that I continue to learn over and over. Exhausting!

    ReplyDelete
  5. That last paragraph is a revelation, no? Geeze - I remember the string trimmer incidents. You've come a long way!

    ReplyDelete

We'll try this for a while.