Wednesday, October 3, 2012
But yea, safety. It hasn't cropped up for quite some time. I've survived. And now the path points to thriving rather than just surviving. The lowest level, the physiological needs, are taken care of. Shelter, my shelter, here at the CSH continues to be such a warm, positive, nurturing space. Even though I sometimes feel badly that I choose not to devote as much time and effort to it as the previous owner, it's still fully made of awesome. And it still gives my heart a rush everytime I pull up in the driveway. Food is okay enough without the daily scale slap and sleep is a little better than usual. Water, well, I'm carrying my insulated water bottle with me and I'm drinking more of it - I won't say a lot, but any is good. And air, obviously, I'm getting enough air. As for sex, well, my doctor released me to start having sex next week. Does he know something that I don't? ;-)
No, the physiological, safety and security needs are being met. And today, on my birthday, I'm feeling lots of love from friends, both new and old. This whole belongingness thing is pretty awesome. I have taken me, a pretty isolated, solitary person and knitted a social circle out of whole cloth through affirmation and intention. Moved out of my comfort zone and into a larger social circle populated by a few good friends and lots of people with whom I enjoy hanging out. I used to say that it was easier to get a date than to find another woman to go shoe shopping with. I'm happy to say that my 'droid is full of contacts with whom I would have no hesitation to call and invite to do cruise the clearance racks at DSW. I'm both humbled and grateful at the AMAZING people who have come into my life. And the fact that I am able to "hold on loosely" to them, if that makes any sense.
I've also begun to think of self-esteem more as self-compassion. There's a link on the sidebar to an article that talks about this and it has been very helpful in reminding me to talk to myself with the same level of compassion and love that I use for my daughter. I was just thinking about Pebbles yesterday as we come up to this wedding that she's working so hard on. In my past and possibly even my current state of self, I would be working buttonholes and if things didn't go perfectly, I would carry those imperfections and regrets forward. I just realized that Pebbles doesn't do that, or if she does, it's not at all obvious. She just gives things her best shot, I mean, seriously, her best shot, with time and talent devoted to all the details and fiddly bits and when it's over, well, it's over. It's not as though she gains or loses based upon external things. She just is. Honest to the powers that be, I.do.not.know.how she got that smart, so young, growing up in the family business of Craziness, Inc.
So on my 52nd, I'm happy to relish the gifts of this level of recovery. Happy Birthday to me. As I turn my attention to the next year, I'm thinking of what my intention will be for the upcoming 12 months. I'm sure that just the right thing will bubble up to the top. It's worked so far.
With much gratitude,