Friday, November 30, 2012

Drama Diet

There used to be a lot of drama in my life and I used to believe that drama happened to me.  Turns out, I had a big role in exactly how much drama there was that swirled around me.  So right now I am faced with this whole Valerie and Kendra thing.  Last night, they brought along another woman from the group that they now run with - a group from the country club that both Kendra and her husband and Roy (the guy that Valerie is dating).  These are not my people.  And after giving it some thought, it's not because I'm an outsider to this group, it's because I don't place value on their choices.

I am trying to determine if this makes me judgmental or just making a decision to surround myself with a certain kind of energy?  Do I just sit in it and learn something from it or is the lesson that I get to make choices about whom I spend time with?  I do know that I don't care for Mary (the bring-along friend) at all.  She was giving me some lip about not drinking last night and choosing to drink coffee.  So Valerie pitches in to tell Mary that I'm drinking coffee because we are at a Mexican restaurant and that I always order coffee in order not to eat all the chips, that I have all of the self-discipline, that I used to be really fat, etc.  Lord I know she meant well, but if I wanted to share my particular story with Mary, well, I'd have given her the url to this website ;-).  I'm thinking that these whole deals are getting comedically worse until I decide how/when to pull the plug.  I'm looking how to extricate myself without undue drama and coming off looking like a judgmental drama queen.

Still pegging right along.  Mind, body, spirit and no Diet Coke.

Take good care of yourself.  Be kind to others.  Don't Get On The Drama-Go-Round.

-Roxie

11 comments:

  1. Your dinner kind of sounds like a sit-com. I'd definitely withdraw, but I'm not terribly social to begin with and I am super picky with what I do with my free evenings. I know you will make the right choice and it is interesting to hear (read) you go through the thinking process. Have a great weekend, Roxie. It's supposed to be Texas-type weather in Missouri and I'm hoping for a bike ride.

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  2. I'm sure Valerie was trying to be helpful but honestly it wasn't. First of all, I don't think there would be a thing wrong with you telling Valerie that you prefer to tell your own story to the people you want to know it.

    I don't see this as you pulling away from everything social, I see it as you preserving your own space which you are entitled to do. Life is much, much too short to have to deal with drama and general BS!

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  3. I agree with Helen about suggesting that V does not speak for you. Also that it in now way makes you antisocial to MAKE A DECISION on your own behalf to not subject yourself to any situation that makes you feel uncomfortable, or just not that happy about. My toxicity detector went up as I read your post - maybe you've "outgrown" or moved in a different direction from these folks, at least as a group. Sounds like self care to step away if that's what your gut is saying. No self judgement...it's self awareness and self knowledge.

    Whoa - can you tell this struck a chord? I've been through this kind of situation many times over the years, and at the ripe old age of 59, there is no way I'm going to continue in a situation that makes me feel bad about myself in any way. And anyone who gives someone shit about not drinking likely has an issue themselves about alcohol. Okay - I'll shut up now.

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    1. typo alert 2nd sentence: it in NO way...

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  4. I have certain stories that are mine to tell, even if other people know them...and I don't appreciate it when that choice is taken from me. So yeah, agreeance with the others - and honestly, I know that you're trying to be more social, but it's OK to be picky about who you choose to hang out with.

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  5. Of course it's judgemental to want to associate with people you are comfortable with. But you are judging your own feelings and motives, not theirs. It's crazy making how we will suffer along in silence just so we don't hurt someone else's feelings. Granted, at times it is necessary, but if there is a continuing sense of "ugh - why do I put up with this?" - why tolerate it?

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  6. Funny how when I come to read it always feels like you're talking to me :) I SOOOO get this and I don't think it's judgemental I just think it is about you not wanting that for yourself. I also agree that it is about wanting good healthy energy from others to be around. I do think who we surround ourselves with is how we feel. Having spent a few days with my BIL and SIL it showed me what I don't want for myself and it sounds you feel the same about these folks. I say move on :)

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  7. Maybe it's time to change the dynamic of your meetings with Kendra and Valerie. Perhaps spend time with them 1:1 instead of as a group. It sounds as though Kendra and Valerie consider your dinners as a "Bring a Guest" thing. The problem is that while you like Kendra and Valerie, you don't like the company they keep.

    Maybe 1:1 you'd have better luck. Get together as a trio on a more limited schedule, perhaps holidays.

    However, it's also worth considering if Mary was really giving you lip or simply commenting on something usual to make conversation with someone she doesn't know. Usually people don't particularly care what we're eating; they're just grabbing on to something for conversation. (Of course, if she really is judgy about your coffee then that's irritating.)

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  8. Oh Mercy. I'll just chime "ditto" to all of the above.

    Life is too sweet to waste time with drama, unless of course you're enrolled in an acting class!

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  9. Yes, I'd be finding myself already busy on whatever date they want to meet up on. I have learned that I can politely refuse invites without explaination.
    You might even have the conversation with both of them about how your paths seem to be going different directions, and wish them all the best on their journey.

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  10. What a beautiful day it was when I realized I had a huge part in the drama happening in my life. I invested in the drama. Not anymore and what a relief and blessing to have the choice to not participate in the drama. But for me it was allowing others to own their own drama...

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We'll try this for a while.