Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Cézanne of Cellulite

Cézanne - Large Bathers

1899-1906 (130 Kb); Oil on canvas, Philadelphia Museum of Art

 Well now, that was an experience.  Months ago, I bought a "spray on tan" via a Groupon-like deal for ten bucks.  Didn't know when I would use it, but thought it might come in handy.  I'd actually forgotten about having it, but it was set to expire soon, so I got a reminder to go use it.  I decided that getting some "sun" prior to going on vacay would be great.  No one need be exposed to my Casper-ness. 

I called and made the appointment - assuming that I knew what I was getting into - the car wash style of spray-ons.  Um, no.  Turns out - the operator, along with the spray gun, uses the body as a canvas.

As in - well, use your imagination - or don't, whichever you prefer.  It's drop trou (and everything else) and this guy, we'll call him Paul - proceeded to turn me into a bronzed goddess.  Evidently, he's the spray-tanner to all the competitive ballroom dancers in the area.  And y'all, I am rocking me some Dana Torres abs this morning.  Now I am not planning to wear a two-piece, midriff baring swimsuit, as that ship has, well, sunk but it's fun to think about being Helen-Mirren-like.  He told me that I would "love him in the morning" and he's right.  My (whatever the name of the ab/muscle group that runs vertically) are always visible, but let's just say they now pop with some skillful highlighting!  Day-amm - what this guy can do with a spray gun is amazing.  Turns out what Oprah's make-up can do for her, Paul can do for the whole body. He "contoured" my thighs,  gave me a "smaller" waist and some killer ab definition.  All for ten bucks.  Sure, they are Lee Press-On Abs and body, but hell, it's fun for a while :-). 

Take good care of yourself.  Be kind to others.  Paint by numbers.



  1. Dear Roxie,

    I want to wake up with a magic body - please give me Paul's number asap.

    Ghastly and Ghostly,
    No Abs

  2. I am so pale you can see me from space. I need Paul's number, too!

  3. Oh My Gosh!!! That is utterly FABULOUS! Is Paul a local?

  4. haaaaaaaaaa!!! How cool is that! and brave to boot...I don't care what anyone promised...getting naked in front of a virtual stranger is brave.

  5. I'm thinking that a flight to Dallas may become medically necessary for me. Whatever will Paul think when all these women of a certain age start showing up at his salon?

  6. That is a riot! You'll love me in the morning... I can just hear it now! Well, now that some time has passed, how did the tan work out? Did it buff out?

  7. I love you, you always make me laugh!


We'll try this for a while.