Now That's Cozy

This story makes The Closet's 500ish sq feet seem mansion-esque by comparison.

Today is the office Christmas luncheon, followed by the family luncheon tomorrow. I will be glad when it is over. I will have to practice all sorts of centering in order to be present and ENJOY what is actually happening rather than considering it just the next thing to get through.

Logged some more time on the treadmill last night - mostly an excuse to watch some television. I'm now the poster child for slow media - I've got no attachment to the outside world other than 9-5 at the office. No tv, no internet, no radio - a blackout, of sorts. I will change some parts of this, but certainly not until I return from the wedding. No need to pay for something I'm not going to be around to use. Plus, this gives me an incentive to get to the gym.

The thing I loved about yesterday was the raspberries I bought to make a sauce for my salmon. I ate them out of hand. They never made it to the sauce.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Get closer.

-Roxie
147.5

Lemony Persnicket(y)

Just two days until the family luncheon, one hellish week at work and then it's off to Puerto Rico for the actual ceremony. I finally went out and bought a travel guide and road map yesterday. I have planned nothing for those eight days. Those who know me, know that I usually approach travel with a overflowing folder full of information and a pretty detailed itinerary. I don't know that I will have time to do that for this trip.

I'm also rethinking that whole strategy anyway. Isn't it really an attempt to control things in some ways? Probably. I do believe that without some sort of plan, you do miss out, but I think I need this to be rather "chill" no matter who is on the trip. I know I will have to chill if I plan on doing or seeing anything with Pebbles and Slater, as Pebbles is the WORST TRAVELER EVER! Obviously, our styles are a bit different. She knows nothing of time, itineraries and travel plans and just wanders around by the seat of her pants. I seem to recall an afternoon in Rome that had me in tears at the time. It's pretty funny now, but it was not then. I do not want a repeat of that. There's got to be some middle ground, I think.

Got up and hit the gym for a bit of a run this morning. It felt good. I'm thinking I might want to start up again. The Closet is right across the street from a running store that holds group training sessions for upcoming runs. I may check it out. I'm also very close to some really good running trails. This may be the time to get back into this. I do enjoy the "boost" I get when I'm sticking with an exercise routine that challenges me. I want to take advantage of all my options here at The Closet Retreat. Seriously, I've begun to think of this time as a year long retreat where I try my best to live mindfully, to treat myself well, which includes plenty of rest, good for me foods, and exercise, along with my spiritual practice. If I've got the lemons, I might as well make the lemonade.

And in other nuptual news, I did manage to decorate the favor boxes last night. Boy, was that an eye-opening experience for me. I really became aware of how tense the whole process made me and how much weight I was putting on the outcome of decorating some stupid pasteboard boxes. I fussed and fumed around with them and finally just had to let it go. They do not matter. At all. Why do I let myself get so worked up over silly things like this? Too much money and too much emotional energy for very little ROI. I am hopeful that is a lessoned learned. Hell, I know it's not a lesson learned yet - I'm still in the recognizing this as a habit/tendency stage. It'll be a while before I get good enough to recognize this BEFORE I get enthralled. But overall, given that this is a wedding, I've done pretty darn well at keeping it low-key.

The thing I loved about yesterday was the cookie I didn't like. Here's the deal - I went to the bookstore with a co-worker yesterday to pick up a travel guide. There is a fancy-pants bakery right next door to the bookstore, so we decided to drop in for a little treat. Now I am not anti-treat when there is built in portion control. I was going in for a small something and I was going to savor and enjoy every morsel. I chose a lemon cookie sandwich. We didn't eat them there, but instead, chose to bring them back to the office. As we were walking back into the office, I told my co-worker that I really wasn't hungry that I was actually more thirsty and that I wished I'd recognized that fact before buying the cookie. But did that stop me from eating it? No. I did, however, take two bites of the cookie, decided I didn't love it and I threw the rest in the trash. In the past, it wouldn't have mattered if I liked it or not, I'd have eaten it all. But I didn't love this cookie and so I didn't finish it. I can't say that I've ever done that.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. If it's an indulgence, make it worth it.

-Roxie
148.5

Cleaning My Side of The Street

I've been spending time in the evenings, working my own program of recovery from codependence via reading the literature. Unfortunately, I find myself falling asleep while reading. Last night I fell asleep about 8:30. I don't know how much real work is getting done if I can't stay awake!

I'm working to re-establish the exercise habit, although I chose sleep this morning. I'm so sleep-challenged, that I will always chose sleep when I can get it. Eating has been clean and I'm feeling pretty good. Right now I'm focusing on wedding activities and I haven't had to really acknowledge my change in circumstances, since I've not said anything to anyone IRL. That all changes after Puerto Rico.

And for the inquiring minds that want to know ;-), PR is still up for discussion. We've already bought and paid for the trip. And it's not as though we hate each other or got into some screaming row and called each other vile names or took after each other with SUVs and golf clubs. So we could still go and have a reasonable time, in theory. My number one priority right now is my daughter's wedding and Bick is free to make whatever decisions he wishes. In the overall scheme of things, whether he goes to PR or not won't have much bearing on the outcome. It's not my job to "teach him a lesson", it's my job to keep my side of the street clean and do what's best for me in the long run.

The thing I loved about yesterday is more Closet joy. The Closet has a garbage disposal. Trash? Garbage? I'm sensing a theme. Seriously, I've never lived anywhere with a garbage disposal. Not that I have anything to put down the disposal, but I could if I wanted to!

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Peel back the layers.

-Roxie
148.5

Cruel Shoes

I made myself head-bobbing lame yesterday trying to wear my new cute shoes. That's it. Sandy can have them if she wants them. My feet hurt for hours even after I took them off. Hell, they still hurt today. I desperately needed to go to the store last night, but I could not make myself take off my slippers.

So today, I am shod in a less painful fashion and it's off to the store(s). Jeez, there is so much to buy. I let Pebbles have so much of my stuff when she was initially moving to Dallas and I was moving in with Bick and now, I've got no iron, ironing board, no coffee pot, no vacuum, and the list just goes on and on. Hell, I've got nothing much to cook with. But I'll get it all replaced in some form or fashion, either by purchase, swap or barter.

The thing I loved about yesterday is my trash concierge. Seriously, here at The Closet there is a walk around trash service every evening at 8pm. The management even provides the trash can for a more uniform look. So between 6pm and 8pm, just place your trash and recyclables right outside your door and it magically disappears. Yes, I know I pay for this, but I hate taking out the trash worse than just about anything!

I've got one more little luncheon related thing to do before Saturday. I've got the favor boxes for the take-home red velvet cake and I think I'll go to Hobby Lobby or Michaels to see if I can find some easy way to jazz up the 4X4 plain boxes. I'd appreciate any easy ideas as supplies and time are limited. Also, I do need to buy trash bags for the aforementioned trash service. And I will look for some low-rider brown shoes. Everything I have is heeled and strappy. I need some shoes for winter. I've got nothing that is closed-toe.

Went to the gym this morning and had some company. There were three other people that came and went. Tomorrow I will try to take some pictures of life here in The Closet.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Put on your walking shoes.

-Roxie
151

Two Hours

I am moved in and mostly settled. For the time being, I'm dubbing my new home "The Closet", as it is 1. very small, and 2. I've got lots of stuff, well, stuffed in the closet.

I was surprised at the stuff I actually did have. I view myself as, while not quite minimalist, certainly not overly prone to consumerism. But my aching back hurts from moving something, for sure. Pebbles and Slater did an admirable job of helping me move. Honestly, they did the heavy lifting. I had most everything packed up and in one area of the house. I'd rented a 17 foot truck and they just backed it up and started loading. That was the easy part. Figuring out that the truck was too tall to come into the parking garage was the hard part. We ended up using Pebbles' Matrix as sort of the wheelbarrow. We'd offload from the truck to the Matrix and then ferry the stuff up to the third floor. But it's all in now and sort of sorted out.

Yesterday was spent unpacking and searching for a shower curtain. Honestly, I went to about four stores looking for a shower curtain and could find nothing I liked. So for now, I've got just a liner up. But it's coming together.

Pebbles pointed out that I now have two more hours each day. Two hours that I no longer spend commuting to and from work. Two hours is significant. I feel like I need to put the time to good use. After work I think I'll hit a CODA meeting. Normally I attend on Friday nights, but it may be time for a change there too.

Sandy came into to town and I took us to dinner last night. We had a good long talk about Bick, alcoholism and alanon. I don't know if she will go, but I gave her the info. She did tell me that SadieLu is mourning my move as well as her dad. I do miss my life there and I will continue to do so, I'm sure.

I did get up an avail myself of the fancy new workout facilities that The Closet offers. It is in the other building and it's both a physical and mental exercise to even get there. It's like this maze that you have to find your way through, but I did and I had the place to myself this morning. Plus, cable tv! Yay. I don't have a tv nor internet nor a radio, so it's pretty quiet around here. But I do have books and I plan to read a good deal.

It is also my plan to live as much of my life on foot as possible. Which means NOT IN HEELS, so I've begun the search for comfortable, cute, stylish shoes that are not tennis shoes and don't make my feet look more gun-boaty that they already do. I'd be six foot tall if I didn't have so much turned under for feet!

I had a good conversation with Bick over the weekend. I don't know if I will impose a "no talk" rule or not. Right now, that just seems too hard on both of us. I'll play this part by ear and trust my judgment.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Spend your time wisely.

-Roxie
151.5

Breaking It Down

Today was a bridal luncheon given by my office for Pebbles and Slater. I don't plan on telling really anyone about my move until after I return from the holidays. So that left us with some difficult situations today, but I had asked Pebbles and Slater to just go with it and they graciously did. I do feel badly about it, but I am not ready to talk about it now and I think everyone would be uncomfortable. So there we were. I'll talk when I'm a little less tender.

I am working on applying some cognitive behavior therapy techniques to my situation. I find myself starting to tear up at times and get emotional, which is fine, but rather than let my emotions run away with me, I am trying to pin down exactly what am I getting emotional about. Yes, the emotion is warranted, but am I engaging in thinking and logic errors right along with those emotions? If I behave as usual, then I tend to engage in "all or nothing" thinking, fortune telling, awfulizing - all the usual suspects. I am trying to keep my emotions real, true and honest but not let them drag me and keep me in some bad place. I do believe that it is important not to allow myself to engage in obsessive, thought churning. I'm using CBT techniques to turn myself away from that. So far, so so.

I picked up the keys, signed the lease and got my new address today, but it took so long that I didn't have any time to go up and pack, so all of that is left for tomorrow. I got an email from Sandy today. I responded and told her about Al-Anon. Alcoholism is a family affair and the group might be of benefit to her. It might have been the wrong thing to do, but I did it. I also said that I was available to her if she needed me.

So, I'm back at the hotel for one more night after spending a couple of nights with Pebbles and Slater - they have plans tonight and I wanted to just veg, surf and watch some cable tv as a bit of a treat. I'm thinking that I will not even get a tv at the new place. And I'm unsure about internet access. I've got a while and I can always change my mind, but I do want to do everything I can to encourage me to get out of the apartment as much as possible.

So there it is. Some really lovely parts to today and some rough patches. I am feeling better about my abilities to not get carried away. As I think about what other people are facing and going through, my stuff pales in comparison. It's all about perspective.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Emotions are not necessarily truths.

-Roxie

PS: I do so appreciate the support and insights that are coming my way via comments, emails and calls.

City Mouse

First let me say thanks for the generous support in comments, emails and calls. I appreciate it. Y'all are good folks.

When it became apparent that this move was going to happen, my first inclination was to find the cheapest place I could and just hunker down. Curl up and get small. But as I thought about it, I decided that I had some options. I know that I am going to be sad. Hell, I am sad right this second. I will continue to be sad and lonely and a myriad of other feelings that haven't hit yet. I know that I have a tendency to isolate emotionally and I didn't need to add physical isolation to the list. So I plopped myself right in the middle of the action. I wanted a space to "feed" me as much as possible. I looked at the incremental cost of space versus interest and I decided on an apartment/loft in a new urban and pedestrian development. I may hate it, but the activity level should be higher and I could use a pinch of distraction as I work my way through this. It will certainly be a change to everything I've ever known. I hope that it makes the transition easier. Living in a hellhole wouldn't do a thing to improve my situation. I'm giving myself every opportunity to get through this. So for this next year, I'm a city girl. And I already have my first houseguest booked for February - thanks, Meg.

I pick up the keys to the new place tomorrow and the actual move will happen on Saturday. I was staying in a local hotel, but spent last night and will spend tonight at Pebbles' and Slater's new place.

I go to Bick's on Friday afternoon to begin packing and then on Saturday, I will do the actual move. I am dreading that on every level. We can't seem to see each other or even talk on the phone without both ending up in tears. I've asked for some privacy when moving and he's agreed.

Just for today, right now, this second, I am doing okay. I will be okay. I will be sad. I will be lonely, but in the long term, I will be okay.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Make yourself comfortable.

-Roxie