Sunday, October 26, 2014

She Could Use A Little Mercy

Just when I thought it was safe to go to Dallas!  Ha!  Life is funny that way.  Thursday would have been my 34th wedding anniversary.  Yeah, I know.  How did I get that old?  I don't think about him much in relation to me - when he comes to mind, it's mostly about him being Pebbles' father.  My part in that Lifetime Movie generally goes unobserved.  At all costs.  Shut that door.  Lock it.  Seal it with cling wrap.  Wear two layers of protective clothing.  Whatever. Divert.  Distract.  Avoid feelings at all costs.

Except Pebbles is broody right now and wants to talk about all of it. The meeting. The marriage.  The pregnancy.  The early days.  The divorce. She called me up early Monday morning (last), said she had the day off and wanted me to take a vacay day and come over.  My schedule was flexible enough to accommodate, so off I went.

 Longtime readers know my propensity to purge items, to get rid of, to donate, to, leave nothing with emotional power around to disturb the cling wrap.  Well, Pebbles drug out these photo albums and scrap books and there it all was.  Stuff I'd forgotten.  People I'd forgotten.  Disasters I'd forgotten.  I have no idea how or where she'd been saving it, but she had and there it was.  FEELINGS with a capital FUCK.

It was emotional for me to see pictures of me at that time.  To answer questions. I mean she knows the broad strokes, the major players, but she was asking more meaningful questions about her past.   In many ways, I had a NOT.WITHOUT.MY.DAUGHTER view of our life.  Like I had her, he left, so I picked her up and she and I trudged over the mountains to another life.  Another world.  And because he essentially dropped out of the picture, I didn't have to synthesize my past and my present.  I just avoided. And kept trudging. I realized that I feel/felt a lot of shame about my younger self, about my decisions, and his.  About bringing the Baggage Handler to this Crazy Train.  That I should have known more, done more.  Been more.   At the time, I blamed him completely.  Then at some point, I accepted responsibility for all of it and harnessed myself with a yoke of regret/shame/labels that I've carried for a long, long time.

Then yesterday, I read something somewhere about "your larger self giving your smaller self a big squeeze".  And I was reminded again - that 20 year old was doing the best she could.  She didn't have any skills.  She didn't know any better. She couldn't predict the future.  She didn't have the ability.  So now, I'm going back to get her.  To walk with her.  To bring her to join us in the present.  To just feel and process all the feelings, without shame, without blame.  Accepting my part, and only my part, in it and letting the rest go.  I've learned the lessons but this isn't the time to go all "look how far we've come", to put a flowing cape on it and to forget it. No, now's the time to come to real terms with all of it.  We could use a little mercy now.

Monday, October 20, 2014

I Don't Deserve This....

I've been thinking about this internal judgement that I sometimes get caught up in.  I will hold myself back from doing something fun, something that I want to do because I haven't "earned" it.  Or even worse, somehow don't deserve it.  

Weekends are the worst.  I'll wake up and think of something that I want to do but will talk myself out of whatever because I need to mow the lawn, for example.  Nope, can't have fun because the lawn needs mowing.  And I really, really, really don't want to mow the lawn.  And can't seem to talk myself into developing the gumption to mow the lawn.  So, instead, I piss away the day doing stupid crap to avoid mowing the lawn (watching Netflix, screwing around on the internet, name your mindless activity) to avoid mowing the lawn, which kept me from doing what I really wanted to do in the first place. So now, I've wasted the day and the lawn isn't mowed.  Now I've got two things to feel bad about.  So what I've been thinking and asking myself is "What would happen if I just did what I wanted?  What if I just opted for fun?"  There is a good chance that the energy from doing the fun thing could propel me into doing the not-fun thing.

Opting for the wants instead of the shoulds will be an interesting experiment.

Take good care of yourself.  Be kind to others.  Keep your shoulds small.


Monday, October 13, 2014


And there it is.  While I could see the writing on the wall re:  boss' retirement, I wasn't sure what it really mean.  And so I asked him and he told me.  As nicely as possible.  That I was the stronger leader, the more innovative and the stronger problem-solver, the powers that be were going in the other direction.  It's what I've always thought would happen.  I knew there was one person in the higher up food chain that wouldn't choose me.  So why put myself through the dress rehearsal for the next year?

So this weekend has been about coming to terms with what I knew the outcome would be, but I did want it to be more a decision that it was, ya know?  I didn't necessarily want the job, but I wanted them to want me.  Ah, well.  So it goes.  While none of this is "official", it is what will happen and now I get to do a couple of things.  Feel the loss of my boss, whom I have the utmost respect for and to think about how it will be when my co-worker becomes my boss.

After talking with my boss on Friday afternnon, I found myself making all sorts of notes on how to restructure/re-organize/re-position the rest of the office to deal with this new reality.  I was making charts and graphs and notes and then it finally hit me.  I didn't get that job.  It's not my job and responsibility to "make this work".  Again, I didn't get that job- it's not my role to show "them" that they made the "wrong" decision.  If what needs to be done becomes a collaborative decision-making process, then I can certainly introduce my thoughts, but this isn't mine to manage.  My role in this is to be, well, whatever my new role is to be.  And to do it without any "I'm taking my toys and going home".  My co-worker didn't do this to me.  No one actually did anything to me.  None of this is personal.  This pinches because this was me looking for some external validation.  This pinches because this was me viewing this as a rejection, and we all know how well I deal with that :-).

So I had a bit of a cry over it on Saturday morning - triggered by a Moroccan cook book and a memory of a great shared tagine.   And a bit of a cry was a good thing - I'd actually felt so emotionally stifled that a bit of a tear was cathartic.  And then I went out for a bike ride with my friends.  And got a new (crappy and expensive) haircut.  And then had dinner with another friend.

Woke up Sunday in a much better place, mood-wise and energy-wise.  Things work out.  They always do.  I just need to loosen up my grip on trying to steer.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Birthday Week Ends

Overall, it was a good week.  I took my mom, my aunt and my sister to the Arboretum for the morning.  It was all decked out in 65,000 pumpkins and gords of all shapes and sizes.  And of course, over run with darling children, getting their pictures made.  Too cute.

The unfortunate news was that my mom isn't doing well and this was a surprise to me, as I'd been told how great she was doing and how wonderful she was feeling, how good her test results were, etc.  When I call, she's always just coming back in from watering her flowers, etc.  So I wasn't expecting her to be able to only shuffle along from bench to bench, sitting to rest each time.  While I do see her regularly, she hadn't been required to move about.

Also had a food struggly weekend, too.  Or at least I did on Sunday.  Poor choices that made my feel physically worse today.  But I'm up, getting ready to go out to meet Valerie for our MWF morning walks, but I just heard the thunder rolling in.  I may pack it up and go to the gym instead for my exercise.  Everything is achy.

Well, now that sounds like a load of whiny rubbish!  For the things that I'm happy with and proud of:  I got my internet service working with fast speed and I should have done it ages ago.  I replaced my modem, wifi-router, moved some stuff around, made a bazillion calls to charter, but I got all my devices back online and working.  And in even bigger news, I replaced the bathtub spout!  The diverter had siezed up and while I could have soaked it and got it working for a while (it had been sticky since I moved in three years ago), I chose to replace it.  Again, these things are pretty easy, if you know HOW - know the secrets, the tools to use and the direction in which to wrap your teflon tape!  But I will take and claim any mechanical/wiring/programming victory that I can.

Take good care of yourself.  Be kind to others.  Take it as it comes.


Monday, September 29, 2014

50 miler - 51.17 to be exact

Went down to Waco over the weekend to set a PR for mileage.  Check!  I won't say it was a great ride, as a good deal of it was by the side of the road but I completed what I set out to do.  And had a little fun in the process.

Work and life maintenance stuff is kicking my behind around these days, so I need to get cracking.

Take good care of yourself.  Be kind to others.  Reach.


Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Post of the Day

I read this and wanted to share it.  Sally writes some amazing stuff at Already Pretty.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Black Bra, White Shirt

I've been about this classy recently

It's been a week of misses.  Nothing went horribly awry - just sort of off - from soup to nuts.  First up, in my quest to dress more stylishly, I've been spending a bit more time getting ready.  On Tuesday, I had several meetings at work, plus an after work function that intersected my personal and professional life.  I wanted to look nice for that, as well.  I ended up changing clothes several times, but ended up going with a crisp white shirt, popped collar and a signature jewelry piece.  It wasn't until I was undressing for the evening that I discovered when I went from a dark sweater to a white blouse, I forgot to change my bra.  I paraded around all day in a white shirt and black bra.  Nothing classier.  Sigh.

I'd also had this great idea to use my crockpot and do a big pork loin so that I could have meals all week.  I fixed the pork loin and partitioned the servings out for the week.  However, it turns out that I made a lousy, almost inedible, bone dry, stringy-as-hell pork loin and I hated every bite of it. But given my frugal nature, I couldn't waste it!  So while I took it with me to work, I never actually ate much of it, opting instead for far-less-good-for-me choices.  Ended up the week 2.5 pounds up.  Lesson?  If I don't like it, I won't eat it.

And now for Naked Dating.  Well, it's not really naked and it's not really dating but meeting someone while cycling really cuts out a lot of pretense!  I choose not to wear any sort of make-up when I ride and given the unforgiving nature of the cycling kit, it's rather like showing up in your girdle!  And whatever is not encased in lycra, jiggles - or at least it does on me.   So Saturday, I went on a charity ride out in Parker county.  At the first rest stop was a man and he commented on my/our new cycling jersey.  We chatted a bit and he recommended the white chocolate macadamia nut cookies.  I heeded his recommendation on the cookie and I think we left the rest stop before he did.  On Sunday, the singles' group I sometimes participate in, scheduled a casual bike ride and who was the very first person I saw?  Yep, the cookie man.  We visited quite a bit.  Don't know if anything will come of it - but there is certainly no smoke and mirrors :-).

So my goal for this week is to keep my underwear out of sight.  I'm keeping the bar low.

Take good care of yourself.  Be kind to others.  Build a good foundation.