Hardhatted Hannah

Yesterday I had the distinct please of seeing Pebbles in action, replete in her hard hat and steeltoed shoes, tromping over a job site with the construction foreman and builder. Pebbles bought me a nano for Mother's Day, but forgot to give me the box it came in, including ear buds, cords, instructions etc., so I arranged to meet her at the jobsite somewhat near Reata North.

I pulled into the parking lot across the street as to not disturb her meeting. It's both an odd and moving experience to watch a child interact with the world as an adult. I've heard her doing her job on the phone talking with clients, scheduling meetings and deliveries and such, but I've never got to see her in action. Of course I couldn't hear what was being said, but when I looked across the street, all I could see was a young woman who appeared to be in control and confident.

I'm still in a funk. Glad the weekend is here, but it will be filled with too much to do. I did tell my Mom about my wishes for her to get her own bank account and that went over as expected. And now she doesn't appear to be speaking to me. The surprising discovery for me is that stuff like this really bothers me more than I thought it did. That standing up for myself and facing the possibility of displeasing her really does affect me. I didn't really know that these anxieties manifested themselves in me in such a way. I've been feeling stressed and anxious, stomach aches, lethargic, etc. So this is good news, I guess. I'm now recognizing what really does throw me into a funk - which becomes the first step to getting myself out of it.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Wear a hard hat in dangerous situations.

-Roxie

Blah Blah Wednesday

Lovely flowers were awaiting my arrival home from work yesterday. Just to thank me for being supportive and understanding of Bick as he tries to redirect Sandy into a more fruitful life. Very, very sweet, but unnecessary.

I slipped back into some bad habits over the last couple of days - bad eating and no exercise. Shit. Just as sure as I talk about how well I've been doing, I'll sink sure as shooting. Feel like crap today.

Time to start again.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. A slip does not a failure make.

-Roxie

The University of Reality

Bick and XMB welcomed Sandy to the University of Reality last night. The XMB was willing to try to rein in Sandy in some ways, so the three of them met last night to discuss the new rules and expectations and what it means when you are no longer a student - the parental financial aid stops cold. She may decide that she wants to move out again, but as her Dad pointed out to her, then it just gets tougher financially. They will meet again next week, where Sandy is to present her budget with a plan to pay back some of the money she owes her Mom and Dad - (she charged a $300-plus radar detector as a gift for some guy to her Dad's credit card and he expects to be repaid for that one). She's pulled some equally impressive stunts on her mother. This is all about more than grades - there's the deceipt, lying, and the impressive sense of entitlement.

Unfortunately, Tough Love 101 will only work if XMB has enough spine to stick with it, so it's up to Bick to acknowledge how difficult this is for her. He did tell her that if she didn't do something, she would go from being a "danceteam-name Mom" last year (XMB was very active in the parental support of the dance team - an officer and fund raiser, etc) to "Waffle House Mom" next year if she didn't step up and head Sandy off at the pass. So perhaps this is a step in the right direction. Only time will tell.

I took a day off yesterday to catch up with some errands and take care of some long-overdue beauty treatments. Ended up being a great day, with a strange coincidence. On Sunday, I'd been out buying all my plants for my summer container gardens and ended up filling up two carts. I'd left them unattended to go look at something else and when I came back there was this little old lady looking through my plants. She thought that someone had put together a very nice display and was doing her shopping from my selections! We had a laugh, chatted a bit and went on about our business. Well, yesterday, I'll kiss your foot if I didn't run into her again, this time at the tire store, thirty miles from where I'd seen her the day before! So we chatted a bit more this time, she asked me my opinion about tire brands and whether this place was a good place to do business. Her name is Maudie and she's 76 years old. She's moved to the town just north of Reata North just a couple of years ago, after her husband died. I gave her my name and phone number and told her to call me- that I'd love to see her gardens and we'd go out to lunch some Saturday.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Reality - sometimes it sucks and sometimes it's quite sweet.

-Roxie

Pushing a noodle up a hill

Bick's level of frustration is continuing to climb. XMB is taking Sandy on a trip to Chicago this Wednesday. Bick suggested to XMB that Sandy hasn't done anything recently that warrants a reward such as this one, and that they as parents needed to do something to get her attention. He offered to pay the change fee for the airline tickets so that they could go at a different time. XMB said that it wasn't fair that she should be punished just because Sandy isn't doing well, so they are going.

A commenter said something about Bick being nice about this - ha! I don't know that nice plays into it. He's frustrated, hurt, disappointed and trying to think of a way to get through to this kid. It's keeping him up at night and while he's trying not to let it affect his outward demeanor, he's understandibly stressed. And he needs a break, so he's decided to take one from Sandy. He will be available to her, but he's taking the summer off from trying to keep this prickly relationship going. I think it may be broken in a way will require some family counseling and some maturity on Sandy's part. He has his part in this and he's aware of it and has been trying to make ammends, but it doesn't seem to be working. I don't think that a few months peace will make things any worse.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Know when to take a break.

-Roxie

Dial F for Failure

Three Fs. Two Ws. A cumulative gpa that is rapidly approaching zero.

Bick had pretty much prepared himself for this. Although, perhaps there was a part of him that hoped that somehow she would pull some of this out - both for her and for him. The hardest part of this to accept for him is her willingness to just flat out lie to him about all of it.

Gutting it out

Last night I didn't get home from work until about 2:30AM and was back up by 5:45AM and starting my day. I'm dead on my feet right now. I've got one more meeting this afternoon and then I'm home. I'm in a deathcon4 battle with myself to just dive into the plate of brownies here in the office just for the jolt of sugar energy. This is dangerous territory for me. My body is at war with itself - one part craves sleep and since that is impossible right now, the other part is demanding something for fuel. And I know that if I give in even a little there will be no stopping me. For me, it's easier (ha!) to say no to the first brownie than it is the second.

I haven't really acknowledged it here, but a couple of weeks ago I started trying to really make an effort to eat cleaner. I bought the low-carber dip sticks and according to my results, I've been eating according to program. I'm still not weighing. I haven't weighed in months - honestly the longest time in my history that I've gone without stepping on the scales. My intuition (and pants) tell me that I didn't gain any weight during the months-long sabbatical. I'm planning to make the sabbatical permanent, I think. There really is no good that comes from me subjecting myself to the tyranny of the scales. I weigh what I weigh. My pants will scream in protest if I'm getting out of hand.

Matching Baggage

Last evening Bick and I were having our ritual porch sit. Most evenings, if the weather permits, will find us spending some time sitting on the front porch watching the world go by and talking about our day.

I was discussing a family situation with Mom that revolved around money that had been keeping me up nights since last week. I've been really angry with her, as she is spending money at an astounding pace - by my count $2,500 last week alone. She will be dead broke inside of a year. I've stopped myself several times from sending out a hostile missive telling her what I thought and to stop using my account immediately.

Upon discussion with Bick, I've decided to take the following action - after my aunt's all-family 80th birthday party on Saturday and after Mother's Day on Sunday - say in about a week: I am going to insist that she get her own bank account. I'm only going to say that it's no longer comfortable for me, that seeing how she is going through her money makes me very upset and that she needs to find another alternative. I've learned that I cannot stop her from spending herself into destitution, but I don't have to be a part of it, nor do I have to be aware of every dollar she spends. So she needs to get her own bank account. I suggested this when she moved into my house, that many of our disagreements were financial in nature and that I wanted to be untangled from this interwoven web of crap and dependency, but she says that she doesn't have any other options. I think she's too ashamed of facing her crap that she won't even try. My sister is in exactly the same boat - neither have any sort of bank account.

The problem is that she has written so many hot checks in the past, that she feels she can't get another bank account (she knows enough to know that she can't/won't handle a checking account appropriately). Bick seems to think that she can get a savings account which would suffice. So I am going to take the lead and find a bank that will open an account for her, go and talk to them, explain the situation and give mom a name to go in and talk to. I guess this is enabling her to get around the consequences of her actions/shame in her inability/unwillingness to be fiscally responsible, but it does get me out of the business of getting amped-up everytime she does something stupid. Again, I'll warn of her of the impending doom and that she cannot depend upon me to bail her out, give her the information and a timeline and be prepared for the onslaught. Perhaps if I'm prepared and in deflective mode, it won't be so bad. The good news is that I feel like I've got a plan that allows me to protect myself and to deal with her with some degree of compassion. And I was so blind to just wanting her stop having money put in the savings account that I stupidly allowed her to use years ago, that I couldn't see my way to a way out other than using TNT.

So Bick and I spent the evening monogramming our matching family baggage - his with Sandy and mine with Mom.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Don't wait until you are 47 to grow up.

-Roxie