Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The Beck Diet Solution: Day 15

Let the diet begin.

Weigh daily. Track your food. I'll be tracking my stuff here. This has been a crazy week and I haven't done very well with devoting the time I need to study and do the activities prescribed in the book. I am going to do my best to go back and review many of the items, as I do think that all are important. I don't want to get to sure of myself even though I'm on program and doing and feeling well. I need to LEARN the lessons. It is the behaviors and modification to my thinking that is the important thing. I've been successful at dieting before - I'm still maintaining a 100 pound plus weight loss. It's not the scale that needs to change, it's my BRAIN.

Here's how I'm working this program. I come into work and spend up to one half hour reading, writing response cards and doing the work in the workbook. I read through my response cards and try to get centered in this mindset for the day. I try to remember to read through my advantages response cards right before I go into the house at night. I keep one stuck in the console of Mitzi, as going into the house at the end of the day is entering the DANGER ZONE for me. I need to be at my most aware at that moment. After dinner is usually when we make the final decision on tomorrow's dinner. It is at that point that I will try to write down in advance what my food will be - I'll do that on my diet cards. I bought some index cards and an index card holder that usually stays with the books in a book bag and that book bag goes and comes with me to and from work. I take notes on the note cards when I'm reading or doing the assignments or even if I have some sort of diet epiphany at some other time. I also keep the response cards that are provided in the book in my card holder.

I consider Beck's to be a positive solution and I respond better to positive actions. Do this, rather than don't do that, don't eat that. Don't and can't usually turn into won'ts for me.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

The Beck Diet Solution: Day 14

Plan your food.

The book talks about planning in advance for each meal. I probably do that pretty well right now. Bick and I do once a week meal planning and then swap grocery store duties. We cook enough for one evening meal and lunches the next day. I am one of those fortunate people who don't really mind eating the same thing, day after day. I really don't want to have to make a decision - I'm fine with very standard fare.

So for tomorrow I will eat:

scrambled eggs and 2 small sausage patties from the work cafeteria
leftover roasted chicken breast and creamed spinach
chicken caesar salad for a restaurant dinner

Tomorrow is also weigh in for the official start of the diet portion, although I really started before I began reading the book.

I will have to work hard at the writing down part, as right now, I feel like I'm pretty much on autopilot - tomorrow will be the test, however, as it is Halloween. Candy right now is not a threat, but I do need to make a practice cake run for a friend's cake for the end of November. Baked goods, however, are especially difficult for me. I wonder how I can do this? Because I don't really need to practice the baking portion of this - I'm making an Italian Cream cake, but I going to use a new recipe and make my own fondant and try for one of the very graphic whimsy-types cakes that are in vogue right now. This new fondant is made from marshmellows and is supposed to be much better tasting than traditional fondant. I'm pretty excited about trying this new technique. Maybe I can get Bick to do the actual baking or ask for an armed escort while I do the baking part of this. Or - this might work! I can buy some sort of readymade saralee type of thing, crumb coat it and just practice with the fondant. Then give the whole thing away to my neighbors! Yep, I think that will be the plan. I still get the practice but without the temptation and my neighbors get a cake!

How to have your cake and not eat it, too!

Monday, October 29, 2007

Pissy Lips

I have a lovely mouth. While I don't have Jolie-lovely lips, I do have nicely shaped, full-enough lips. Except when they are pissy. Pebbles tells me that she always knows when I'm stressed, pissed or uptight; she can see it in my mouth - which she calls pissy lips. "Mom, what's wrong? You are wearing your pissy lips".

And I've come to know that I do express tension in my lips. I've spent this entire weekend reminding myself to relax, to let go, to breathe deeply, and being surprised each time I touched my face just how anxious I am/was. Family drama has just beat the ever-loving shit out of me and I'm feeling pretty shredded.

Pucker up, Buttercup.

Beck's Diet Solution: Day 13

Overcoming cravings.

Today's exercise is why I really love this book. It talks about the self-talk that needs to happen to talk yourself down from the ledge or out of the drive-thru. According to Beck, cravings start to diminish the absolute second you decide not to stray from your plan. Cravings will increase if you are undecided and that indecision creates tension that feeds emotional eating (for me).

One of the skills to learn is to think not about the feeling of enjoyment that you WILL receive when indulging, but think about how you will feel AFTER eating an unplanned thing. Do you feel heavier in your body or more heavy-hearted? Dear lord, how many times have I stepped onto this self-loathing merry-go-round? More times than I care to count. No one deserves the kind of beating that we heap upon ourselves if we make some bad choices.

This is actually part of why all of this is so emotionally fraught with danger, I think. In some ways, it sets up some perfectionist thinking - I must not eat this thing - I must be perfect because if I "fail" again, I will feel like shit. On the other hand, I do recognize that it is easier for me to completely avoid some foods than to try to moderate. Obviously, this is an area which will require work in the future.

This book is filled with practical advice as well, including the four steps to overcoming a craving. 1. Distance yourself from the siren call. 2. Drink a diet soda - sometimes you really are just thirsty. 3. Relax. Breathe. Learn to self-calm yourself. 4. Distract yourself. And the book gives an actual list of distractions for you to try and rate as being helpful. I KNOW this technique works - I used it successfully to quit smoking - I know that I did enough crossword puzzles that I think I wore out my eyesight! The other really helpful piece of advice was to pre-assemble the things you would need to distract yourself so that they would be available at the time of need. Practical, useful and potentially brilliant advice. Planning in advance for the obstacles. Making the decision that I will follow these steps when faced with a craving. Makes all the sense in the world to me.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Beck's Diet Solution: Day 12

Learn to tolerate hunger.

The task here today is to learn to tolerate hunger. Actually, I think the task is to learn to keep yourself otherwise occupied when you think you want to eat. I am picking Sunday to skip a meal. Actually, I do this quite often on Saturday mornings - my preference, if I have a lot of work to do is to get up and get started. If I stop to eat, it just seems to slow my momentum and the magic of it is that I don't even get hungry. My weekend routine really doesn't involved breakfasts or even lunches, especially in the summer when I am trying to get my work done before it gets too hot.

I am choosing tomorrow to practice this activity. We are going to the Mango Hut to do some more work - weedeat, hang a door, whatever else is needed, and I'm going to grab a quick bite of breakfast (which I hate to do on the weekends - as it just seems to make me eat more throughout the day).

I need to repeat day 11 work, as I really didn't get it completed to my satisfaction.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Opportunity to practice

Today afforded me the opportunity to exercise my "do the right thing" muscles. Got an email from Mom outlining her latest tragedy. I managed to sidestep getting involved in that particular drama, although there is enough to go around. I am taking her to a meeting with a retirement counselor tomorrow to discuss her severance. I am not looking forward to that at all. I don't know what I will do and how involved I will be. Bick's advice is to give your best, objective advice and let it go. The deal is, however, that I feel like I will be forced into a decision "because I'm educated" which translated means "I really want you to make this decision for me so if it goes bad, I'll have someone else to blame".

I also received a lovely invitation to join Pebbles and Guy next February to go skiing at Whistler. She even offered to use her miles to get my ticket. Ah, travel. One of my weaknesses. I really, really love to travel. And I would love to go back to Whistler to ski. I was just recovering from surgery the only other time we went - oh, god, ten or so years ago. It could be so cool. And then during yoga practice this afternoon, I left the land of rainbows and unicorns and it became clear - I do not want to do this - not with Pebbles and Guy. With Pebbles? Yes. With Guy? Yes, even with Guy. With Pebbles and Guy for nearly a week? That is a beating that I do not need - and it comes at Pebbles' hand. Guy does a decent job of keeping her in check, but she still strays way over the line, in my opinion. So, I will not "rent that crazy" - even if she is buying.

Beck's Diet Solution: Day 11

Distinguish between hunger, desire and cravings.

I'm reading Eat. Pray. Love. and I am in the India section right now. More on this later. Love this book. Anyway, the author writes about going through life vaguely hungry and that phrase struck a resounding chord with me. Going through life vaguely hungry. Vaguely hungry. Hungry - or at least that's what I named the sensation because I always applied food to make it go away.

Beck's instruction for the day involves trying to come to realize and recognize why you want to eat. Has it been several hours since you last ate and your stomach is empty and rumbly? Would just about any food do? That, dear friends, is hunger. How often do we really experience hunger?

Is your stomach reasonably comfortable? Do you just feel like eating? Beck names this desire.

Do you have a strong urge for a particular food? A yearning in your mouth, throat or body (chest!)? Bingo! Folks, we have a winner! This is a craving - and this is where all my maladaptive eating starts. I am vaguely hungry and my chest is hollow. So perhaps this is one of the keystone skills for me to learn - hunger doesn't start in my chest and if it's not a hunger problem, then applying food to it is not the answer.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Beck's Diet Solution: Day 10

Set a reasonable goal.

Beck recommends setting only short term goals in five pound increments. So my first, and really only goal is to lose five pounds. That will still put me above my all time low, but I don't know that I am willing to work that hard and sacrifice that much to re-achieve and maintain a weight that is probably too low for me anyway. So my goal is to lose 5 pounds and when I do, I will reward myself with two new outfits. I need another pantsuit for work and another set of pant separates would be nice.

My real goal here is change the way I think. Period. If I can change that, then the rest will take care of itself. I know how to diet. I'm fabulously successful at losing weight. I suspect I'm in the top percentage point of successful weight losers. Now I just want to be able to live and maintain.

Don't rent the crazy

"Don't rent the crazy." Michele said that to me last night on our bi-weekly walk. It got me to thinking about what all of this really means. What am I really in pursuit of? Zero credit card balance? Size 4 behind? Athletic dominance? Big house? Big hair? Mr. Big? What I really want in life is peace. Inner peace; outer peace; world peace. Peace.

Bick and I were talking about this very subject the other night. He said "You know there have been times in my life that I've been happy, and I am happy now, but I've never had as much peace as I do now. Happiness is fleeting. Peace is extraordinary. " And I guess I agree. Not that I have achieved much of it, but I do feel that this is what the search is all about. Peace - freedom from obsessive thoughts, freedom from needless (and unhelpful) worry, freedom from the anxiety that has been my nearly constant companion for a lifetime.

This journey to peace is a slow one. The steps are so small as to be nearly undetectable. The decision not to borrow trouble, adhering to the "not my pig" philosophy, letting go of stuff, and getting down to life in as basic a form as possible in order for that life to be rich and fulfilling.

The quest for fitness et al is really a part of the journey as well. I want to be healthy and fit and a reasonable size and I want to learn a set of skills that allow me to do that without it being such a big deal. As a friend related to me a story about a friend of hers, we are both learning to be fit and healthy while living a life that includes other pursuits. I'm good at setting a goal and focusing on it - bulldog-like, in fact. Where I get into trouble is with the juggling. I get overwhelmed and then I get hit with the unease and anxiety. So I'm trying to look at things from a different perspective and to let go or buffer against the things that keep from moving foward.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Don't rent the crazy - you'll have enough of your own.


Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Take me out for a spin

Went to spin class today and there was a new instructor. It was a tougher class than before, but more entertaining and instructive. Tammy actually competes in cycling events - and this last weekend did some sort of cycle cross-country thingy where you end up carrying your mountain bike over hill and dale. Very interesting.

What is the point of all of this? What IS well?

What do I hope to gain by following this program?

My primary goal is NOT weight loss, although that is a nice by-product and honestly, it is far too easy to get focused on that aspect....

interuppted, more later....

Beck's Diet Solution: Day 9

Select an exercise program.

Honestly, I think I'm burned out on exercise right now - or perhaps lazy. But I am committing to at least 4 exercises classes a week, plus however many evenings Bick wants to work out at the Jesus Gym. I will try to get in at least one hour walk on the weekends. And I'm hoping for my exercise motivation to reappear. I really enjoyed being able to call myself a runner, but the thought of having to do it again fills me with dread, so that's off the table right now. No use beating myself up over that. Either I will regain the desire to run or I won't - I am not a failure if I don't decide to return to it.

I went to boot camp yesterday and we have a new instructor - so at least that is a little different. She is also teaching the spin class today and I know she has a lot of actual biking experience - so I'll try that out to see how it differs from my last instructor. Anything to reduce boredom.

Tonight is my bi-weekly walk with Michele and it IS an activity that I actively look forward to. Good company and interesting terrain and scenery. It has turned off coolish in Texas, so I hope I've got the right clothes.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Beck's Diet Solution: Day 8

Make time for dieting.

I think I do a decent job of that, but I have sort of firmed up my planning since starting this book. I spend about 20-30 minutes each morning after I get to work doing my reading and workbook activities. On Thursdays, I usually plan our meals for the next week to prepare a shopping list for the grocery shopper that week.

I have given myself a pass on exerise for the last few days - until today, that is. I'm back in class mode starting today. Also, Bick and I are joining the Jesus Gym tonight - and I will meet him there to workout after work on whatever schedule he commits to. I burned myself out a little on exercise and I need to ease back into it and not dread it. I need some changes in my routine - more yoga, more outside walking/hiking, etc.

Beck's Diet Solution: Day 7

Day 7 - Organize your environment to optimize success.

This is one habit that was already in place, albeit with a few slips. Those slips most always happen when my frugal nature trumps my will to follow the right eating path. And it most always involves bread. Bread is the thing I have the worst time refusing. Which normally isn't a problem because we don't buy or use bread, except when we are entertaining. Which is still okay, because having a piece of garlic bread won't suddenly explode my ass. What will cause me all kinds of problems is keeping the leftovers - I just need to throw that shit into the trash and not let it trash me.

The other component was organizing your work environment. The Suspects have a thread about what food do you keep stashed at your desk to stave off hunger. My answer? None. I know that I cannot be trusted, that I have no brakes. Those people who can buy a package of M&Ms, eat some now and save the rest for another day? Those people are absolute freaks to me. Cannot do it. Don't know that I ever will.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Beck's Diet Solution Day 6

Get yourself a diet coach.

Check. I had already secured Michele's indulgence in this endeavor, having no idea that it would be a required step by Dr. Beck.

I try to email Michele every day with a synopsis of what's going on with me (poor her!) and we try to get together bi-weekly for a walk.

I am talking to Bick a bit more about my issues, which is a huge step for me - admitting that this really is an issue, which is beyond stupid - because when I weighed 105 pounds more than I do right now, it was pretty damned obvious that I had a problem. I actually drug out my workbook and book and worked in front of him this morning. Progress takes on very different forms.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Beck's Diet Solution - Day 5

Day 5 - Eat slowly and mindfully.

I realized last night as I was burning my mouth with hot soup that I do not eat mindfully. I would burn my mouth in order to eat sooner and faster. Now that is very, very telling. I knew that I was going to get food, as it was right there in front of me. But I couldn't wait for it too cool down. Good grief. Bick looked at me like I had lost my mind. Yes, I was hungry, but that IS a little much. Time to slow it down and be aware of what I'm doing.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Beck's Diet Solution: Day 4

Day 4 - Giving credit where credit is due.

The premise is to give yourself "atta girls" when you do anything positive or avoid diet-blowing actions. Everytime you read, think, post, review, make a good choice, postpone making a bad choice, give yourself a virtual star.

Again, it sounds simple enough. But as someone who practices all or nothing thinking, this will require some work. I find it hard to give myself credit for ANYTHING, much less something as "little" as not snacking between meals. Somehow this all gets wrapped up in "why should I give myself credit when I let things get to this point" rather than being mindful of each positive step I am making right now, in the present.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Steps in the right direction

Sandy called Bick yesterday just to chat. Didn't want anything, didn't need anything - just called to chat. And to tell her Dad that she loved him.

Beck's Diet Solution: Day 3

Day Three: The activity in Day Three is to resolve to only eat sitting down. My first reaction is that this is a no brainer. I always eat sitting down. Except that I don't. It's the nibbling that I do while getting that after work snack from the fridge, preparing dinner and during cleanup that is leading me to the land of drawstring pants. This will be a hard habit to break, but I believe it is the first step in being mindful. It's like I do so much of this on auto-pilot. If I can somehow think enough to make myself sit down, perhaps I can think enough to make myself put down whatever it is that I'm eating if it is for any reason other than real hunger.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Beck's Diet Solution: Day 2

Today's activity is to select a diet plan and a backup diet plan.

My diet plan is the no white diet. My backup plan is South Beach.

The Roxie version of the no white diet is: eat real, whole foods, not all the additional fat, grilled and green, take my vitamins, stay away from sweets, baked goods and starchy crap.

There's a little nip in the air

Finally, it feels like summer is on her way out and fall has arrived. It was in the lowish 50s this morning and I wore a coat to work for the first time this season.

This time of year always reminds me of Indiana University. I used to attend a conference there every year about this time. After years in Texas with no reall discernable fall, it was lovely to go to a place where fall was full - opulent and obvious. It was cool in the mornings, leaves were colored and falling and the students were dressed in warm clothes. There was this great old student union building with these massive fireplaces - old and solid and warm. They had this great hotel, really small, but very cozy right there on the grounds. Really wonderful experience. The quintessential college in the fall experience. I would really love to go back to Bloomington some time.

The fall garden is mostly growing like gangbusters. I think I could harvest turnip greens next week, if I was of a mind to. I'm not having as much luck with the chard, but the seed was several years old, so I've decided to lay blame there.

And I've just about given up on the idea of building a new house. Or at least given up the original plan. I'm trying to free my mind to think of other alternatives at the present. I've talked with several people, including architects and builders who are experienced with what I would like to do and no one seems to think we stand a chance in hell of doing what we want for the money we want to pay. I just can't see myself on the hook for a couple of hundred thousand dollars at this age and stage of my life. So, it is kinda back to the drawing board.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Prepare for winter.


Monday, October 15, 2007

Beck's Diet Solution: Day 1

I've just started this book/workbook today and I'm hoping that I can gain some tools to revamp my distorted thinking that surrounds food. According to what I've read, it is based upon cognitive behavior modification, which I've used (unknowingly) successfully in the past to quit smoking. My last therapist, while we had our issues, was an advocate of CBT - and for me, I think it's probably an effective solution.

One of the things that I feel I learned from my last round of therapy is that my thinking can get very, very distorted. Given my tendency to distorted thinking as a first step to working myself into a depressive episode, it was a very important step to recognize and begin to pull back from the brink, although I'm not anywhere near any abyss right now.

I just want to get some sanity regarding my food/weight issues - and part of the program is to do 6 weeks worth of exercises to give strategies for successful food management.


Day one exercise is to establish an Advantages card - why I want to stabilize/lose weight:

1. I’ll be less self-critical.
2. I’ll reduce the amount of shame I feel.
3. I’ll feel more in control.
4. I’ll increase my self-esteem
5. I’ll be happier when I look in the mirror
6. I’ll have more confidence.
7. I’ll feel better physically.
8. I’ll be happier when I look in the mirror.
9. I’ll be in better health.
10. I won’t mind being naked.

Seems to me that I want to stabilize/lose weight so that I can get off of my own back. I want to stop this negative "I've failed" talk that seems to dog me. I don't know if my reasons, being internal, are any more or less valid or healthy than others, but when I ran through some sample reasons why, these were the ones that resonated with me.

On another note, my dear friend Meg just surprised me with Eat. Pray. Love. and I am loving it. It certainly speaks to me on a variety of levels. Right now, I'm enjoying the eating portion of the book as she travels to Italy.

No exercise to speak of over the weekend. Probably not today, either. But soon.

Weekend update

We finally saw Sandy over the weekend and she did tell her Dad that she had moved out. As it turns out, she is bristling against Mom's boyfriend's attempt at parenting. At least that's her version. Anyway, she's appears to be in a decent situation and this bit of discord with CorvetteMan may, in some ways, serve to help move her relationship with Bick to a new and better level. It was certainly wonderful to see last night. Both were loving and relaxed and at ease around each other. After she left, Bick was just beaming. They had talked about why she didn't tell him (she was afraid) and he told her that he wasn't mad at her for moving, but was hurt that she felt she couldn't tell him, etc. So all in all, some good communication happened last night.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Be upfront.


Friday, October 12, 2007

bed hopping

Let's see - I'm leaving my bedroom furniture at the Mango Hut at my sister's behest. Pebbles took her mattress and box springs to her new digs, but her PB bedframe/headboard/footboard is too big for her 594 sq ft apartment. Her Guy built her a new box frame, complete with storage, but she doesn't have any place to stash her furniture, so she was going to store it in her Guy's garage/workshop. Bick wants a new mattress for his inherited Ranch Oak bedroom and we are considering just getting a really high end futon/mattress for the spare room at the New Reata. Also, Pebbles has borrowed my truck for several weeks to haul some gravel and since Red is bigger the Bick's truck (he has pickup envy!), he wants Red to haul some dirt this weekend.

So - weekend plans are these: Pebbles will drive Red from Dallas to Reata North on Friday night. She will also bring her dog and they will spend the night, as her Guy is in NYC on business. Pebbles will sleep on The Barge, and the dog, well, who the hell knows. She and I will get up on Saturday morning and I will take her and her dog back to Big D and hang out for a while. Bick will haul dirt.

On Sunday, Bick and I will make the trek back to Reata South and pick up the bedframe stuff. And then my weekend will be over.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Get your Beautyrest.


Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Running again

Just for today. Just a little ways. I just felt the urge to run again, so at lunch I jumped on the treadmill. Only about a mile and a half, but it felt really nice. I want running to be fun and enjoyable again, not punitive.

It could have been worse

Mom's being forced into retirement at the end of the month. She's being given a year's severance (which never happens here). And actually, she seems to be handling it pretty well. She's been pretty rational. There's a duststorm of drama in her department, but that's the nature of the beast.

Enjoyed a lovely exercise outing last night with Michele. We walked in a beautiful, beautiful park in Arlington. It was nice to walk someplace interesting and have such good company. The time just flew by! And I went home to enjoy some of the treat Michele brought me - The Ace of Cakes on dvd. Lifestyle porn! Yay!

And speaking of cakes, I'm doing a rehearsal dinner cake for my widowed friend. Yes, she's getting married in December to a widower she met in March. I think it's too soon, but hell, as long as she's got her legal shit in order, who am I to say. I do know that they are deliriously happy and I wish them well.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Behave in a way to be proud of.


Monday, October 8, 2007

Weekend update

Had a decent weekend. Very busy. Went to the gathering at the vineyard on Friday night and stayed over night with our friends. Lovely to see them. Went to visit Bick's Mom on Saturday and then Pebbles, her Guy and I went to see the bannister house in Grapevine. We hung around Grapevine, had lunch, did some shopping. It was nice.

I'm off to meditation in about ten minutes. It's a nice way to start the week.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Benign Neglect

I'm in a total holding pattern. I'm doing nothing and will continue to do exactly that.

I know I probably should call and check on her, but I don't want to.

Thursday, October 4, 2007


Well, it has come, just as Mom predicted. Only in a form that I wouldn't have. It appears that she is being removed/fired/reassigned from her job, effective next Tuesday.

She's 69 years old and has no retirement savings. Not one red cent. I'm so screwed.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Moving forward

Yesterday's events really threw me. I need to learn not to let it get to me. I did come up with a new way to prevent this in the future. From now on, I will deal only with my sister regarding house issues. I will just tell Mom that I prefer to deal with Sis on these issues. Now the question becomes is that too dramatic/drastic? I don't have a good internal drama-meter - mine is broken from years of over-use.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Another day, another bitch - just getting it off my chest

How do you change the way you think and process things? How do you set and keep boundaries when others just want to trample them, all the while keeping such a sense of entitlement.

Here's my bitch/vent/primal scream -

Mom and Sister are moving into my house . Yesterday I was informed via email by my mother that they needed:

a landline
some cable tv/dish/direct tv
a dumpster so their dog wouldn't get into the trash
a weedeater
a light rented from the elect company

all of this in an email asking me when I was going to get the rent check to them, since I have to float them their rent for a few days this month. I am supposed to track you down and give you money?

I responded in an email:

I am unwilling to put a telephone in my name. (They got their landline shut off due to non-payment). They both have cell phones.
I wasn't going to pay for a dumpster. Trash pick up was Tuesday. She said it was too hard to remember what day was trash day to put the trash out.
I'd be happy to meet my sister at HD or Lowe's to buy the weedeater of her choice.
I wasn;t willing to rent a light, but would buy something if they could find something else that wouldn't require wiring.

I received a scathing response from my Mom that I'd forgotten what it was like to be poor and that I shouldn't forget that she was doing me a favor and that she was afraid for me and this new attitude I'd developed - that I could expect punishment of some sort. And to forget the weedeater, etc. they would just let the place grow up.

I want to fucking scream. I understand that I cannot change her/their behavior, but I need to handle these outcomes in a much better fashion. I'm alternating between wanting to go into a blue rage or an eating binge.

Big hateful vent :

Dear Mother,

Don't play the poor crap with me. You've made lousy choices all your fucking life and depended upon me, inappropriately, I may add, for years, to pick up the slack - just as you do with Sis. I do have a little bit of extra money right now - I still owe a mountain of debt, a small part spent trying to keep you happy, - and let's look at the facts. I don't have cable/dish/whatever. I have "poor people's tv" as you call it. I don't drive a fucking LEXUS SUV, either. I drive an 18 year old pick up and used car that I paid $1700 dollars for. I have some money for a reason - the reason being - that I don't think that I'm entitled to season tickets, I'm not entitled to new clothes all the time.

Yes, you are right, I don't pay rent at Bick's, but I also don't give him a list of things that he must do in order for me to move in there. I either pay for it myself or do without. And I don't trust you spending my money. I've tried to get you and Sis a credit card so that you can have one for emergencies - and guess what - a sale an Steinmart isn't a fucking emergency. So you've lost and run through all of your options. I don't care that you owe Lesa money. I'm not going to feel guilty about "not taking care of my own". My own is Pebbles and she's doing fine. I wouldn't do this for her and she iIS my own.

You don't have a checking account, you don't have a credit card - not because of some tragic accident that you have no control over - it's because you fucking cannot and will not handle your money. And I am goddamn tired of having to deal with it and the fact that you accept NO PERSONAL RESPONSIBLITY FOR ANY OF IT. IT IS YOUR GODDAMN FAULT. NOT MINE. IT'S YOURS - OWN IT. I'm not going around town and cleaning up your messes anymore like I had to do when I was a kid. Picking up your hot checks all around town. Calling the oil company and begging them to bring oil for the furnace because you wouldn't pay the bill. I know, we were poor? RIght? You couldn't stay out of the goddamned mall long enough to take care of your business. I understand that you are sick. I really do. But own and deal with it.

There. I feel better. Except for the crying part.

Monday, October 1, 2007

and deliver me from petty

The rant below says much more about me than it does the other woman. I understand that it does, I just haven't figured out what it says about me. I've kept quiet, hoping that you would just shut up about it. And yes, it's no skin off of my teeth. And I've heard you telling everyone here in the office for the past few days. I'm just wondering when it will be my return and how I will respond when I hear your news.

I don't know what I will say to you, but here is what will be going on in my head -

"You are not a size 8. You are not even close. I know that you said you bought a small blouse, but I can't imagine how it will button. I know you say you are so happy to have hit your goal size before leaving for Hawaii, but there is no way in hell. I've got an ass that's two axe handles across and I look smallish compared to you. Now if we were comparing weights, then perhaps we are close, as I traditionally carry almost 20 pounds more than my size says I should. There are a couple of women in the office who are a size 8 and you look large in comparision to them. I don't think you are a 12. If I had to pick, I'd have pegged you a 16. I'm a size 8. Up from a 6 and had been inching back into a 10. I know an 8 and you are no size 8."

Running with the Devil This makes me incredibly happy on several levels and sad that I won't be seeing it.