Monday, March 31, 2008

Cake or Death?

Unfortunately, I've been choosing cake, and by extension, death. We made a stop at the Czech bakery on our way south on Friday evening for a little something. Stopped again on our way north for a little more. And I've been craving chocolate like a mofo. Some form of hormonal, I suppose.

Had a nice weekend, complete with cable tv, indoor swimming pool, some good books, a hot car to drive (although her's is newer) and a workout facility. Made use of all of them.

Came home to find a beautiful (but illegal) bouquet of wildflowers. Such a sweetie, that Bick.

Tonight is the Eddie show. I'm very excited, but I know I will pay for it for the remainder of the week, as it will be a very late night.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. I've got legs.

-Roxie

Friday, March 28, 2008

running, jumping, climbing trees

Just got off the phone with Pebbles and she's treating us to Izzzzzard tickets for Monday. Fabulous. I'm so excited I can't wait!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Zen and the art of Google Maps

Meditation class last night was interesting, when I finally found the place. Fortunately, there were several new people, all of whom had the same mapping issues. There were only eight of us, a couple of men and six women, all in my age group.

The meeting began with a meditation session, followed by a reading from Buddhist teaching and a discussion. The discussion ranged from eco-housing (yay - certainly likeminded folk here!) to China's place in the world. I caught myself making a western-centric comment and realized that I certainly need to expand my world views - something that I thought I had done. All in all, it was an interesting discussion, then followed by additional meditation session.

We also discussed meditation as spirituality and while my practice (if you could call it that) isn't so much about spirituality in the way that I traditionally think of it, there is some element of seeking wholeness or one-ness and staying in the moment that could be seen as a spiritual element. All I know is that if I spend some time getting calmed and centered that I seem to handle the stuff that comes my way with much less drama.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Listen.

-Roxie

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Yee Aw

Spin class yesterday on top of bootcamp on Monday kicked my ass. By last evening, I was so sore I could hardly move, even though I really tried not to overdo it. I don't know if I'm that out of shape from irregular attendance, or if the classes are that tough or both, but I know that I wasn't moving well this morning, so I popped in AM Yoga with Rodney Yee to get my day started.

It really was a nice way to begin the morning and I need to do it more often. Tonight will be the guided meditation class at the semi-local UU church. I don't know a soul there so that's a little tough, but I usually manage those situations pretty well. I'm just not sure what to wear!

I did not respond to Mom's email. If I say more, I just give her more ammunition and end up in more of an arguement. I would like to put a stop to this kind of behavior from her, but I don't think that it is my place to try to change her or educate her - lord knows I've tried. I just need to not let it get to me and have me resent it and have the issue fester, as it has in the past.

This is a pretty typical exchange - actually I had predicted exactly how it would go - I've been to this dance before. The petty bitch in me just wants to say "Fine, then we won't go. Suits me just fine." And then JUST NOT GO. NO MATTER WHAT. But I'm trying not to get into wrestling contests with pigs. I just want to let all her bullshit wash over me and not engage in any way. What she expects is that I will capitulate, as I usually do. But on the week, I am firm. She is free to stay longer - if that is impossible due to lifestyle choices she/they have made, then those are just consequences of her/their actions. Not my fault they don't have credit cards and it's not my fault that my 32 year old sister won't drive on a freeway. NOT MY PROBLEM. I don't sound the least bit bitter, do I?

And of course, I can't talk with Bick about this, nor can I talk with Pebbles, as I feel like I would be poisioning her against them. This is a bad habit that I've developed - bitching to Pebbles and I need to stop it. It is inappropriate of me to do and I'm working to stop it. So I'll bitch/vent/whine about it here. Lucky you.


Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Defense, not offense.

-Roxie

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

And so it begins:

ROXIE:

The earliest I would be able to leave would be July 1. I've got orientation sessions through June 30. And I will want to stay one week, max - but that doesn't mean that you and (sister) can't stay longer.

MOM:

Why do you want to stay just one week?


ROXIE:

I don't want to use up all my vacation time. I'm taking 7 days in April, some in July and we are thinking about going somewhere in October.


MOM:

I think it would be a hassle to get to the airport for me anymore, you have problems finding it. So I don't want you to use your vacation on us, it has always been the trend, and thought you would continue, but I see Bick usually gets his way. ;ll call Bruce and tell him it is off...He has worked his butt off trying to get things situated. It is OK, I can see you would want to do things with your family...It is OK.

And so it begins:

T is for Terrific - T is for Tuesday

Much, much better day yesterday. Finally hauled my sorry ass back to the gym for a boot camp-style class. And I didn't overdo it either. I went and I did most of the class, but I didn't push/punish myself so hard that I'm unable to do anything but crawl today. Today I'll attend a spin class and do some upper body weights at the Jesus Gym on the way home.

I've signed up to attend a meditation class on Wednesday night - it's quite a ways from Reata North, but then again, everything is. I found it on Meet-up and it meets at a UU church about twenty miles away. I'm trying to cut down on my travels, but I do miss attending meditation sessions - so, we'll see how it goes.

Bick got his new phone yesterday so he's back in the fray. All in all, today and yesterday were much better than the three days before. Next up - the annual battle over vacation in WA - I will go, but I don't want to spend two weeks there. I've set up one week as my maximum. I know that I will hear today how selfish and self-centered I am and the only person that I think about is me and that I'm too influenced by Bick, blah blah blah. Should be fun. I'm already stressed about it, just knowing it's coming. Mom left me a voicemail last night asking for dates so that she could tell people up there. Could be I'm borrowing trouble, but based upon our history, I don't think so. We always fight about how long we stay and I think I usually lose and then we switch to fighting about the kind of car we rent and then we fight about money. I f'ing love vacations.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Reinforce your boundaries.

-Roxie

Monday, March 24, 2008

Sucker punch

Had a down weekend. Haven't really had one of those in a while. After getting the plumbing taken care of, all I really wanted to do was sleep - just stay in bed all weekend. That certainly didn't leave me feeling all energized and ready to go - mostly just left me in a state of snit and generally sniping at Bick. Not a good thing, given that I washed his cell phone and his wallet - and the agitation of the washer, broke his debit card and it will take a week or so for his credit union to get him another one. Ooopsy, indeed. He was very zen about it and other than lamenting the potential loss of all his phone numbers, he's due for a new phone and already went online and shopped. He'll go by and pick up a new phone today, if his doesn't revive. I don't know that I would have handled all of me this weekend as gracefully as he did.

I'm having work issues - specifically, an issue with a developer and I'm trying to figure out how to work through this and I realized last night that it's really getting to me. I'm going to sit down today and just think through my strategy and figure out how to best approach this without looking like I'm trying to shift blame.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Don't launder your money.

-Roxie

Sunday, March 23, 2008

It all comes out in the wash

Oooops! I just washed Bick's wallet and his cellphone.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Down the drain

I'm enmeshed in a plumbing nightmare at the Mango Hut. I'm down $500.00 so far and I don't know if that is going to do it. There's more coming today. Sigh. The good news is that I can afford it now and there were many times in the past that I could not have. So while it is a royal pain in the ass to find someone to do the work, there is some comfort in seeing the universe waiting to throw this at me until I can handle it, and for that I am grateful.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Seek the good.

-Roxie

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Ulterior Motives

Determining motivation or assigning characteristics to someone's behavior is a bad habit that I can't even say that I've developed - I think I was born with it. If someone does something that I disagree with, the first thing that I assume is that it is about me - and that they are behaving in some way, mostly negative, in order to get at me. How stupid is that? And yet it appears to be my first reaction when faced with any situation that is displeasing. Someone is doing something bad to ME on purpose.

The truth is that most people go about their business, doing their thing with their own set of notions and habits and nothing is usually that personal when it comes to me getting my feelings hurt or my nose out of joint.

Nothing to report

I got my hair done last night - overall color, highlights, cut and blow dry. It looks really nice. TTL and out the door - $159.00. Somehow the price had gone up 50 bucks since the last time I had it done. I know that you can drop a ton of money on the whole hair thing, but this is crazy. I've got to figure out something different to do here. Who can spend that kind of money every 6 week? That's half my annual clothing budget. Do I just bite the bullet and go grey?

Monday, March 17, 2008

Monday? Grrr.

I hate this particular Monday, for no reason that I can assertain. I'm just glad it's a short work week, but then again, I've got a metric ton of stuff to do.

I'm finding it difficult to keep my motivation/productivity high at work and as a consequence, my work satisfaction is sagging a bit. I need to figure out how to relight the fire of desire for work that I do love, but I've been doing it for a long damn time. It's hard to keep yourself motivated - something I need to work at and refocus on. I'm in my own way here, I'm sure.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Sunday Morning Pause

I just came across this website and have been poking around and reading some really good stuff. The article on anger is very timely, as I have found myself to be wandering around with a chip on my shoulder the last couple of days. I realized how I was feeling and took some time to try to analyze what was going on, rather than just reacting. I realized that I was experiencing a good deal of anxiety surrounding improvements at the Mango Hut (yes, the carport is yet again a topic of conversation) and that it was making me short tempered and easily irritated. Recognizing the origin of my mood goes a long way in helping me to refocus and respond appropriately to situations.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Saturday Evening Post

Just got home from Reata South. Bick replaced some siding on the shop that had needed fixing for ten years. It was nice to get it done - although we didn't get the job completely completed, as we forgot we needed new fascia boards for the sides, but I can get those up when I go back out to paint it.

Bick and his former sat down with Sandy to discuss her financial mess while I was still in Vegas. Evidently it has been snowballing for a while and she kept thinking she could get it fixed, but as most of us learned when we were about Sandy's age - when you are in a hole, put down the damn shovel. Hopefully she will have learned something from this. Bick's out a few more hundred dollars, but if this fixes it, then it's money well-spent. And it seems that it's not just Bick that Sandy keeps things from - her Mom wasn't aware of any of this either.

Lyn's very wise comments got me to thinking about the possibility of depression being a contributing factor and I made the suggestion to Bick. He said that he would talk to Sandy about it - to see if there were some underlying issues at play here. I will definitely try to keep that in mind as a possibility and it will help me be much more understanding of the situation.

We picked up a couple of nice steaks to throw on the grill this evening and some corned beef and cabbage to fix tomorrow. Yummy.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Measure twice, cut once.

-Roxie

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

"delightfully tacky, yet unrefined"

You know - I've been giving Hooter's a bit of the snob nose, but honestly, it's been a fun stay. The staff is friendly and in a nearly sincere way. I just had lunch here today - had to have some wings and it was fun. Yes, it's tacky, but in that good way. Or at least the same way that I think I'm tacky. "If you're tacky and you know it....." I probably wouldn't have connected in any way to the staff at some of the better hotels and so I'm actually happy to have had this experience. Things have a way of working themselves out. And I haven't felt weird or out of place at all.

More on the Sandy front. Talked with Bick and he is meeting with Sandy and his ex tonight to try to figure out what's happening here. I think that is the right move - trying to keep he and the ex on the same page and preventing any end-arounds. I don't know if it will do any good, as like many families, there is a lot of dysfunction going on here, Bick's alcoholism, some triangulation that I've seen and years of bad habits make the chances for this kind of thing to be successful pretty slim. But you've got to start somewhere. I don't know how you undo this stuff. Bick's in a double bind here - he's trying to re-establish a new, healthier relationship with Sandy and she (perhaps rightly) is using the "but I was scared to tell you" thing - which he feels guilty about. He's not upset about the money - he's fine with giving her money if she needs it - what he's upset about is the whole underhanded part of it and not talking about it.

And the more I think about it, the more that I know that I have to keep my mouth shut on this one. Because I feel bad enough thinking what I think - I'm certainly not going to add insult to injury by sharing any of it with Bick. Everyone will have to establish their own boundaries - and comfort level. I don't know if this is some sort of test for Bick from Sandy - to see if he is really sincere in his efforts to renew the relationship? Is she testing for the boundary? Does he have any anymore? So he is in a pickle - damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. Upon further review, I will, if asked, suggest some counseling for the two of them to work through these issues.

Treat Me Right

Cue up the Pat Benatar music.

I'm having a really good conference - or more specifically, I'm generally in a positive, upbeat mood - the conference is pretty neutral, actually.

I am treating myself very nicely on this trip. I needed to renew my committment to "treating me right" after a week of sickness and carb-craving/indulging, so I decided to turn Hooter's into my double-wide-day-spa away from home. I loaded up my suitcase with the bare minimum in the clothing department and instead, bought most of the contents of a very lavish (and weirdly inappropriate) body and bath set that I received for Christmas. I hate to use the stuff at home because I HATE all the soap-scummy stuff it leaves behind - here at Hooter's, I'm already paying (and tipping) someone else to do the cleanup, so I've been bath-salting and exfoliating and scrubbing and bath oiling myself into tacky pampered luxury. It's been just lovely.

Eating and exercise are going well - and I'm going to keep updating most of those kinds of things on my fitday page - my Treat Me Right scorecard, as it were.

I have to vent here about Sandy and jesus I hate it that this is happening and I hate how I feel about it. She used Bick's "for emergency credit card" last month to the tune of about $500.00 - including a trip to Austin, shopping, dining out, etc. Didn't say a word to him about it. He gets the bill and calls her on it - she was broke and he gets to explain that a sale at Urban Outfitters isn't an emergency. And she'd bounced her last rent check, so he picked up the freight for that plus gives her a couple of hundred dollars. This was all last month. Yesterday, he gets a call from the bank that she hasn't made a car payment in two months (it's set up as an autowithdrawal), and the loan is in Bick's name. Turns out, she's been bouncing checks all over town, etc. She's back living at home, with essentially nothing to pay for except her less than $100 a month car payment. Bick actually wanted her to pay something for this car, after totalling two times in about 13 months. So, what the hell is going on with her? Now these are all my hot buttons, my family issues, all I can see is my Mom's behavior in this crap - so I've just got to stay the hell out of it and try not to let it forever cloud my relationship with Sandy. She's Bick's pig and it's HIS money. I do not have a dog in this fight. More opportunity to practice the fine art of doing nothing.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Exfoliate.

-Roxie

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

My trailerpark away from home

Well, I'm firmly ensconced at Hooter's here in Vegas. Actually, it's not that bad. It's clean and it's, well, clean. I'm having a good conference, having attended EVERY SINGLE SESSION today. I think that must be a record. Actually, I'm planning on taking a little me time a ditching some sessions, I just don't know when.

It really is amazing how the low humidity just sucks the damp right out of you. I need to go down to the CVS on the strip and pick up some chapstick. My lips are so chapped and I've been drinking water like it's going out of style.

Got up this morning and walked for nearly an hour. The Strip is quite a sight at 5am.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Not everyone looks good in orange.

-Roxie

Monday, March 10, 2008

Leaving (for) Las Vegas

I'm finally feeling almost human again. Barely. Getting ready to jump on a plane to Vegas for four days on business. It's my hope to get in some exercise and given that I'm not at the conference hotel (Hooters, remember?), I'm sure I'll get my walking in.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Have a wing.

-Roxie

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

On the road to recovery

It appears that I'm developing some moderately serious allergies in my old age. As if crow's feet weren't enough! I am feeling human again, thank goodness. And thank Bick. He's been a trooper -who'd have ever thought that curmudgeony old fart would really be such a nurturing and thoughtful soul?

I did see my doc today, but it was to get a second opinion on Pebbles' issues. He's ordered some more tests and so I'll go back to the lab with her on Friday morning. In one really sobering moment this morning, the doctor asked if there as any history of thyroid or diabetes in her family and she turned to me and I said "Thyroid, yes. Diabetes, no". And then I caught myself - I'm so used to her biological father being out of the picture that I completely forgot about his family's health history. He kept himself so uninvolved in her life that I forget he ever existed. My doc was rather unhappy with the course after course of antibiotics ordered by her doctor without much of an effort to look to see if there was another issue at play. I am hopeful that there will be some resolution, now that my guy is involved.

I'm grateful today to be feeling better.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Get a second opinion.

-Roxie

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Day 3

of the sickness.....

Saturday, March 1, 2008

You can run, but you can't hide....

Last night I had a mild epiphany. Bick had mentioned seeing what he assumed was an anorexic woman at his bank yesterday and we began a discussion of the hows and whys of body image/eating disorders. During the course of the discussion I related to him how badly I'd been feeling about gaining nearly 20 pounds, quitting running, etc. I also told him of my decision a few weeks ago not to weigh myself anymore and that my mission was healthful eating and adequate exercise and that I was much, much happier and in turn, treating myself much better. I also told him that I wanted to run in the 4th race this year, perhaps only the two, but in 2009, I wanted to run the full race in honor of my 3oth high school reunion. As we were discussing this, it became clear to me where I came off the rails. It was on a TUS thread about weight loss and I decided that I wanted to take off five more pounds. I was at my all-time low weight since HIGH SCHOOL and I decided that I wanted to lose five more pounds. Five pounds that wasn't necessary to lose because I looked just fine as I was. But I began to think if this is good, how awesome would it be to weigh five pounds less? And it was at that point that my goal shifted from running for the sake of running and completing certain events to running as a method of weight loss. It was at there that running ceased to become something that imbued me with all sorts of power and sass and self-esteem and became a tool with which to punish myself . I turned my focus from an activity that gave me a sense of pleasure and purpose into a way to feel bad about myself.

I'd become thinner than I'd ever been because I was running, but I didn't start out running to become thinner. If, ten years ago, someone would have asked me how it would feel to be at my current weight and be able to go out and run 3,4, or even 5 miles, I would have thought it impossible. Even so I slipped back into old, bad thinking patterns and habits and have given myself a lot of unnecessary misery over the last year (and subjected you to a lot of whining). So, no more whining, no more weighing and perhaps, just perhaps, if I feel like it, a little running - like I did this morning.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Focus on what's important.

-Roxie