Saturday, February 28, 2009

Kodachrome

Roxie at Christmas in 1969.

I'm spending this cool and very windy day going through slides that go back nearly 50 years. Or however long there have been slides. Word to the wise, people. Take pictures of people. In a few years you won't be able to identify the state that picture was taken in - that particular rock is now unidentifiable. Oh, and take close ups of people. That's what matters. Not far off pictures with Old Faithful gurgling in the background. I want to see a closeup of my grandpa's face on that hot summer trip in 1969. I can google up a damned geyser. I can't google up Pa.

I've got hundreds of slides here that I'm transferring to my pc with some gadget that the Bickster recommended I buy. It's a long process, with 90 percent of the slides being discarded without saving, as there is just no point.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Hail to the Chief

Hmm. I should watch where I'm going. I was elected president of a professional organization at the Dallas meeting today. Didn't see that coming. It will be a nice service opportunity and it's only for a year.

Bick is enjoying his time with his Momma. That man does adore her. I just spoke with him and he said that his sisters were gracious enough to give the two of them some time today, so they just sat outside most of the day and visited. She's 86 and while generally in good health, complications from diabetes can be serious at times.

He also said he had the opportunity to visit with his brother-like cousins and they were having difficulties with their children as well. Said he didn't feel quite so bad about Sandy. Said it was good to hear the truth behind some of the "rainbows and unicorn" talk he'd been hearing - not that he wishes bad upon any of them.

Pebbles is off looking at another rental prospect this evening. I went to bed last night thinking she was going to pull the trigger and move back to her old place. Silly me. Please wait till the ride comes to a complete stop before departing.

I'm going to take it easy this weekend and heal up a bit. I've got to take Sadie in to get her hair did tomorrow, but I think I'll just putter around the house a bit.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Volunteer.

-Roxie

Dallas Alice

I get to laze about the house a bit longer this morning before leaving, as I have a most-of-the-day meeting in downtown Dallas. I guess I'll head home after that. I'll try to leave Dallas WITHOUT loading up on Fuel City Tacos.

I spoke with Pebbles last night and she had found an acceptable place to live. Actually, it's moving back to the same place she was before moving in with Guy. So she/we will begin moving her this weekend - based upon the last news I heard.

Here's the deal with Pebbles - she cranks up the merry-go-round every once in a while and invites me to go along for the crazy ride. Most of the time, she's just throwing up trial balloons to see how it feels, etc. So I'm trying to just stay in the present with this one to see what she actually will do. I've told her to call me if she needs me. She's concerned about the awkwardness of the situation and said that perhaps if I come in next weekend to stay with her and help her unpack that might be more helpful. So we will see. If there is liftoff, she will need help with moving her bed, etc.

So I'm trying not to worry about any of this. She's made good decisions in the past and will continue to do so. Hell, she's a lot smarter than her momma ever was.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Don't punch your ticket too soon.

-Roxie
159.5

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Yoga Thursday

Looks like the Pebbles/Guy split is happening. She's looking for a place, but hasn't had much luck. She feels her job is pretty shaky right now, given the overall economic situation and is reluctant to get herself into a financial pinch. All tough stuff.

Yoga was divine, per usual. Nice balance to yesterday's boot camp. I'm considering purchasing a heart rate monitor to see I can keep things dialed back a bit. Perhaps that will keep things on a more moderate level.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Peace.

-Roxie
161

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

No Pain, No Gain?

I made a decision at the beginning of the year to try to think about my weight/body image/fitness/size of my ass in a different way. I felt I needed to move away from being in constant battle with my body and move into a more of an observer role. I don't know that the shift has been noticeable here on the blog, but I've tried not to whine (too much) about it. I've just dutifully tracked my weight, food, activity on my fitday page and post my weight here. I've also said that my goal weight is 148 pounds and to let it go at that. I'd vowed not to waste time dwelling in the ups and downs of the scale. I've been dilligent in my exercise, food and tracking and I've been rocking along trying to find the balance and the peace that has eluded me for a lifetime.

And I still don't have it right. I shouldn't hurt this much. I shouldn't have to take constant, daily doses of ibuprofen just to be able to move without groaning. I shouldn't awaken in the middle of the night because I've shifted position and the pain wakes me up. I'm beginning to dread, really dread, my exercise sessions and yesterday I just couldn't make myself go.

It dawned on me this morning that perhaps I'm overtraining. I attend four sessions a week that I consider rigorous, vigorous workouts. Back when I was running a lot more, I did have more off days than I do now. I think somehow I'm trying to make up for "not running". I need to back off of this somehow to see what happens. The scale is telling me that my body is staying pretty much in hard recovery bloat mode and my body is telling me that it hurts too much. My mind is rebelling at the thought of having to ingest pharmaceuticals just to function and that I'm just pushing to be pushing. This is supposed to be fitness not punishment.

I don't have any answers right now, but I'm looking for ways to inject my life with more joy and physically beating myself up just ain't working for me.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Stop and evaluate.

-Roxie
161

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Between a Rock and a Hard Place


Looks like Pebbles is having relationship troubles. It's been brewing/perking for some time now. I don't know what she will choose to do about it - says it sucks to leave someone with whom you are comfortable. Says two years into a relationship shouldn't feel like she's been married for twenty. She's feeling like a failure, she says because all her relationships seem to end this way.

I don't know what to tell her about Guy. My personal feelings about him, other than I don't always like the way he talks to her, aren't important. What's good for her and what makes her happy is important.

She said that it feels too hard to move. Where will she live with her dogs? My heart hurts for her while she faces and makes these decisions. It's tough sledding, for sure.

Bick is going to Houston on Thursday to visit his momma for the weekend, so I think I'll invite her and her beasts to come up and hang out with me, if she chooses to do so. I really don't know what else I can do or say other than just listen and offer assistance in whatever way she needs it. Fortunately, Bick adores this child and would move heaven and earth if she asked.

Monday, February 23, 2009

You know it's time

You know it's time to call your stylist, when while passing a mirror, your reflection looks strikingly like that of Mickey Rourke!

Without Judgment

I am trying to lay off making critical self-judgments every time I am less than perfect. And this weekend, I was less than perfect. And it's not the end of the world. It's merely a blip on the radar, an opportunity to learn from the events.

I was half-to-all-out crabby all weekend. Throw in the stress of Sandy's pending dinner visit (it went nicely), add in an additional loan request from Mom (that I declined) and I'm sort of off my game. So I'm treating myself with a little loving kindness and giving me a break.

I'm still trying to get to the bottom of my feelings about the loan decline. I'm feel like I'm still awaiting (and perhaps wanting) fallout from my decision not loan any more money. If I get pushback, then I get to feel justified in declining the loan. If I don't get pushback, then I'm left with trying to determine which is worse - resentment over lending the money or the anxiety that not lending the money causes me?

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Don't expect perfect.

-Roxie
163

Saturday, February 21, 2009

This space for rent

I've been very hungry for the last couple of days. Or more to the point, I've been wanting to feel full and I haven't allowed that to happen. I'm unsure about what's going on, but I'm practicing a little thought and distraction until I can get through it. I'm eating enough. I'm not starving. What I am is wanting is some sort of numbed feeling that overeating has provided in the past.

Endorphins worked for a while this morning, as I worked my butt off in boxing class and got in a run afterwards. But within a couple of hours, even after breakfast, the big gnawing is back. So in the interest of distraction and thoughtfulness, I'm heading for the yoga room for a little meditation. If that doesn't work, I'll journal, cut out pictures from magazines, paint my toenails or take a nap.

I am very grateful for the little bit of space I've been able to create between the thoughts and my reaction. It's that little bit of space that I'm trying to create in all areas of my life. Just enough space as to not be reactionary.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Find some space.

-Roxie
160

Friday, February 20, 2009

Dog Day Afternoon



Fridays are Take Your Dog to Work Day at Bick's lab. As long as he doesn't have any clients scheduled in the lab, he takes Sadie to work. Normally I am not home for their departure, but I was running a couple of cylinders short this morning. But seeing Sadie realize that today was THAT DAY was awesome. She was turning herself inside out with happiness. Certainly brought a smile to my grouchy face this morning.

On tap for today: spin class. And on the fitness front, Angela, the bootcamp instructor from hell, stopped me after class on Wednesday to tell me what a great job I'm doing. Smile.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Be joyful.

-Roxie

Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Root of Understanding

Yesterday's dentist trip did not go well. I am not able to stave off the inevitable and painful. And for reasons that I can't quite fathom, I feel a good deal of shame about this. Throwing a dose of shame in with the cauldron of other dental phobias I have does not make for a good stew, for sure.

And on another cherry note, my paternal aunt, who lives in WA, called me last night. She said she'd heard there was an offer on the property which led into a discussion about all of that. It seems I fluctuate from one extreme to the other on this. Right now, I'm in avoidance mode. Just thinking about it makes my head spin. I also find myself avoiding Mom, as well. At the bottom of the avoidance is fear, I'm sure. I just don't know quite what I'm afraid of. But it is a pretty paralyzing fear. As I think about it this morning, I think part of is the fear of anger and not being able to handle it or control it. What happens if I blow this thing up and it doesn't go my way? What happens if it does?

When I think back on this, I realize I felt a similar way when dealing with Pebbles' dad (the first ex-Mr.-Roxie, for those playing along at home) and his lack of properly supporting his daughter. He owes me/her tens of thousands of dollars in back support, and I never attempted to collect it. I was just too afraid of opening up all the emotional crap that went along with that. I feel a great deal the same way now. The risk for somehow losing that battle seemed too big to deal with.

None of this is the least bit logical, but it's time to expose some of these secret beliefs and feelings to the light of day and to use some CBT techniques to refute some of this crap that continues to keep me immobile.


Whew, that was unfun, but Yum Yum Yoga is this afternoon. Wonderful timing.

ETA: If are not reading Sally, you should be.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Examine your fears.

-Roxie
158.5

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Nothing to See Here. Keep Moving.

Same old;same old. And there's nothing wrong with that. At least there's no drama happening right now. It's a peaceful and easy thing. Workouts have been going good. Food has been righteous. I'm trying not to borrow trouble.

I've got a follow-up dental appointment today that I'm dreading but to balance that out, I've got girl's night out on Thursday. Yippee! I have a tendency to just fall into the same comfortable routine of going to work and coming home and I need to make sure that I have enough outside influences and activities.

Bick is going to Houston at the end of the month to visit his Momma, so I'll have some more time to kick around on my own.

My keepsakes finally arrived from Ireland yesterday, so I'll spend some time dispensing the goods today. I'm anxious for Pebbles to see her goblets. I hope she likes them.

Today is Angela's killer boot camp. Ugh.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Keep Moving.

-Roxie
157.5

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Valentine's Day Recap


Well, we didn't do the scallops with lychee in a garlic butter sauce. Central Market was out of scallops on our visit Saturday afternoon. Better planning next time. Instead, we picked up a couple of lobster tails to go with the two sides of ribeyes that we were buying and having cut up. I've seen this special one other time and you get some really nice ribeyes for about 5 bucks a pound. We loaded up.

I fixed fresh-from-the-garden brussel sprouts braised in bacon as our side. Oh, and I treated my self to a bottle of Ace pear hard cider. Yummy! I fell in love with cider while in Ireland and it was nice to have it again. I wished I'd bought more, but better to leave wanting more!

Oh, and got a stick blender from Bick who risked The Doghouse by buying an appliance, but I'd really wanted one, so it was a hit with me. I had ordered him L3bowski, as in The Big, action figures, but they failed to arrive in time. We are waiting until warmer weather to get our worms.

All in all, it was a lovely day.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Get 'em what they want.

-Roxie
158.5

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Northern Exposure

Friday after work I went to my beloved Target to get some new workout clothes. I don't like to own too much stuff, but I just needed a couple of pieces to fill in. I adore the new running skirts. I have one that I found at Ross' a year or so ago and have been searching for another (off-price) one ever since. Target is now carrying them and at $19.99, I grabbed one. This would work out perfectly, as I don't think my old standby had made it through the wash cycle this last week.

Saturday morning rolls around and I am in an owly mood. I did not want to get up. I did not want to go to Ms. Perky's boxing class and to add insult to injury, I'd gained a half a pound. Pissed me right off. But I kicked myself in the butt, pulled on my new running skirt and went to boxing class.

This class is a hard workout - a guy in the class who was wearing some sort of body measuring device said he burned 900 calories during the workout - it's a mixture of eleventy billion combination punches, plus some running and exercise drills mixed in.

It was during the jumping jack portion of the class that I began to feel a little breezy. Turns out, I should have purchased a smaller sized running skirt, cause that baby was heading south. Ever tried to pull up your britches while wearing boxing gloves?

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Wear suspenders.

-Roxie
159.5

Friday, February 13, 2009

Going Walkabout

I've not settled into a permanent exercise plan for Fridays. I had planned to take Friday off, along with Sunday as my two off days a week, but then recognized that my yum yum yoga really doesn't do much for increasing my caloric deficit. Some days I'd spent on the treadmill or spin class, but I don't like to do too much, as I've got to have something left for boxing class on Saturday. So today, weather being what it is - read GORGEOUS!, I'm going on a good long walkabout through the neighborhoods.

Seventeen years ago, going on walkabouts around here was the only thing that kept me close to sanity when my then-husband ran off with a hairdresser. But that is a story for another day. Today, I'm out to soak up some vitamin D, feel the sun on my face and enjoy the day. I cannot wait. Hurry up half-hour!

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Take a long lunch break and get outside.

-Roxie
159

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Yum Yum Yoga

I love that class so much I want to marry it! Me, the no-more-married-type. It's like an hour of massage, spiritual enlightenment and exercise all rolled up into one funky little bundle. It's one of the best self-care things I do. Mind body meld can be just this side of legal.

After yesterday's bootcamp, I damned well deserve this. Yesterday afternoon at this time, I was running lines in the gymnasium. RUNNING LINES!!! Shades of the worst of high school P.E. If they start issuing striped onsies at the gym door, I'm outta there. I've just spent a few minutes trying to google up those monstrosities from the 1970's, but those may be the one thing that the internet cannot conjure up.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Practice fitness as a lifestyle.

-Roxie
161

Deja Vu All Over Again

How soon we forget! One minute I'm extolling the virtues of spending time on the yoga mat each morning, along with a little inspirational reading and meditation, and the next minute I'm just wandering through the house in the morning, coffee in hand with some excuse or another not to do it. And then it just slipped my mind. I've been doing the reading;right now I'm alternating between Dr. Dyer's take on the tao te ching, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life, Chodron's Start Where You Are, and some reading on eliminating codependent behaviors.

So this morning, back on the mat doing some poses from the chakra cards that Pebbles bought me. I don't know much about chakras (energy centers) and whether or not mine are blocked, but what the hell! I'm in.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Remind yourself what works for you.

-Roxie
161

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I'm going to Disneyland!



I wish it was just for fun. Work conference, but hey, I'll take it. Pacific Ocean, here I come!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Sisterhood of the Traveling Panties

Pebbles has been raving about these panties for a while. As a bon voyage gift, she bought me three new pair to try. Pebbles is just a chip off the old boulder in that she's got a butt that eats drawers, just like her Momma. But these do.not.ride.up. They stay put. They provide coverage. They are very comfy. And she bought me another new pair for Valentine's Day. Sweet!

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Say no to crack.

-Roxie
161.5

Monday, February 9, 2009

Stormy Weather

Last night's storm blew through beginning precicely at 3:24 am and I've been awake ever since. Days like this make it difficult to adhere to an eating program when I'm exhausted. My body is screaming for something for some energy - carbs. I know that I have to be very careful or else I will over-indulge. Today's need is a physiological one. Body is tired and wants go-juice. Body is tired and therefore the mind is a bit frayed as well. This can lead to me being over-emotional. So today I'm being gentle with myself. I've planned out the day, calorie wise, and I'm going to do the treadmill at lunch, rather than bootcamp. I probably won't post a loss for today, but I figure it's the safest way to proceed.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Sometimes neutral is the best you can do.

-Roxie
161

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Where's the Beef?

The wagyu/kobe ribeyes were a tiny bit of a disappointment. When I went back to Central Market in Fort Worth to get them, they didn't have the quality steaks that we'd seen at the Southlake store. I paid $38 a pound rather than the $46 that we'd seen the week before. And when I say disappointment, they were still one of the best steaks we'd ever had, rivaling the best chop houses. But even in the butcher's case, the Fort Worth ribeyes didn't compare with what we'd seen in Southlake. Next time, when I see 'em, I'll buy them.

And while this sounds kind of expensive (and it is), I promise you my bill to checkout of Central Market was less than half of what it would have been if we'd made our way to a posh restaurant. As a bonus, we got to cook together, dance around the kitchen to Bick's birthday present of Willie at the Wheel, a collaboration of Willie Nelson and Asleep at the Wheel. A little Texas Swing makes everything better. Fun night.

We are making plans for our Valentine's Dinner next week. We saw a cooking show where scallops, lychee (never heard of them, don't know if we can find them) were prepared in a champagne butter sauce. Oh, and the worms? The worms are for composting AKA Worms Eat My Garbage . Plus, the byproducts make fabulous soil additions for the gardens. In his youth, Bick worked at a worm farm, so he's really excited about this. Weirdo.

Pebbles and her beasts came up for brunch yesterday and hung around for a few hours. We watched A Room With A View, which I Netflixed just for the occasion. We went over the scenes from Florence a couple of times, with the sound off, just so she could give me the history again and talk about her/our time there. She dove into her Valentine's Day basket, saying that Guy would be so excited, as well. Nice.

Boxing class was the "Dustin' in Justin". I got sooo dusted. Kicked my ass. But in that good way. There was only one other guy there yesterday, so I got lots of personal attention on improving my technique - which was both bad and good. Truth: I am uncoordinated. Very uncoordinated. Learning combinations is hard for me, so the mental work of this was almost as difficult as the physicality of it, but I think that mental work is important. Throw in some treadmill work fore and aft, and I got in a good burn for the day.

All and all, a very good day.



Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Enjoy the view.

-Roxie
159.5

Saturday, February 7, 2009

For Internal Use Only

I have had some amazing (for me) insight over the past couple of days. Specifically, as I was in bed this morning thinking about this path that I'm on, the progress that I have made and the progress that still needs to happen. I had in mind to come here and write this great post about validation and self-esteem and what happens when you don't get it or don't even realize that it is what you've been searching for.

But my routine dictates that I must clear my reader first, and I came across this. It says everything better than I ever could.

Validation



Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Validate.

-Roxie
159

Friday, February 6, 2009

My gift to me

I just ordered this from www.lobotome.com. I found the link on one of the yoga sites I feed. It will be perfect in the yoga room.

Worming my way into your heart....

Had a lovely time picking out Valentine's Day candy for Pebbles and Guy. I like finding nice chocolates from interesting places to share with them, so I toddled off to my stores to find them some stuff. This year it's Belgium, France, Africa and somewhere in South America. Should be interesting. Came home and put together a gift basket. Nothing fancy, but it was a lot of fun to do something girly and creative for a change. Everybody needs to get their Martha on sometime!

Had an interesting discussion with Bick about Valentine's Day. He commented while I was building the gift basket that for someone who says I don't care about VD, I do put a lot of effort into it. I said that this was just a chance to indulge Pebbles (and Guy) a little bit. Plus, I said that I've always had a little trouble with "it's the thought that counts" at Valentine's Day and that I'd just let it go. I'd rather receive nothing than the frilly heart of bad chocolates with a stuffed teddy bear tied with a balloon - which anyone who really took the time to know me would know that there would be nothing about that that would appeal to me. Guess I'm kind of a snob about that. Bick asked if I thought that he was a build-a-bear kinda guy and I said of course not. He said he was much more romantic than that. And he is.

Bick and I plan on exchanging worms for Valentine's Day. Nothing says love like a pound of red worms.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Get Wiggly with it.

-Roxie
160

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Bendy Bliss

Just back from restorative yoga. After yesterday's bootcamp, I really needed something to work out some sore muscles. I just love this yoga class, even with the new instructor. I'll probably be sore again tomorrow, but maybe I'll sleep better tonight.

Last night I awoke about 2:30 am and didn't even toss and turn. It hurt too much to move. I could have used an ibuprofen drip.

I'm considering either a rest day tomorrow, or just an easy treadmill session. I'm pretty beat from M-T-W and I need to have something left for boxing class on Saturday.

Pebbles is bringing the herd up on Saturday morning to spend some time with us. Bick and I will be celebrating his birthday with a fancy-pants dinner at home on Saturday night. Should be a nice weekend all around.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Get bent.

-Roxie
159.5

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Tell it like it is

In the last twenty-four hours I have stated my feelings, wants and needs over two different (very significant) situations to each of the parties involved. I was honest and non-accusatory and, I believe, handled myself with integrity and compassion. And right now I feel like crying. I've made both parties unhappy/disappointed/frustrated/angry with me by defining and defending my boundaries.



I'm in the middle of a co-dependent meltdown. Even though both parties handled the situations as well as could be expected, I'm fighting my habit of not being okay with someone not being okay with me. I do know that I need to just sit through this and practice the fine art of doing nothing. Don't undo the progress I've made. Don't try for a do-over. Just sit and deal. And don't try to numb this feeling down with food, or anything else. Been there, did it for years.


Later:


Okay, back from the gym and on more solid ground. It's a wonder what an ass-beating from Angela will do for a person.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Progress.

-Roxie
159.5

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Yea, it's a Hemi...


Today's spin class just about spun me out. Pile that on top of yesterday's boot camp and I may be toast. Tomorrow is the hardest workout with Angela, followed by restorative yoga on Thursday.

Spent some time on the mat this morning. Spent a lot of time on the mat this morning, actually. I woke up at 2:30 am, flipped and flopped around for another hour and then just gave up and got up. I poked around on the internets for a bit and then hit the room for some inspirational reading, meditation and yoga. When I finally emerged from the room, I was damned near late for work.

One of the "benefits" of my version of eating clean (no flour, no sugar, etc.)is that I seem to require much less sleep. I wake up after about 5 hours or so and I am rearing to go. It's like my internal engines have been replaced by a Hemi - all chrome blowers and horsepower. I can feel my metabolic rate climbing. Unfortunately, I've already been awake for more than twelve hours and I think I've run out of nitro. I'm a short-track kinda gal.

And if I ever win the lottery, I'm totally buying that car!

Start Where You Are

Where I am with Sandy has not been a place that I like. I found myself building up some resentments towards her for what I feel is her ingratitude toward me. Never saying thank you, for example. Not to mention how I feel about how she is handling her choices - the lies, deception, etc. Every time I would think about the situation, I would find myself getting all worked up and being so very negative about her and the whole situation. So yesterday I began to deconstruct the situation, trying to get back to some place that felt good for me where I could be positive in my energies and feelings about her.

The first thing I had to realize and understand is that I need to separate her from her behaviors. I do not in anyway condone her behaviors. She is not acting with integrity. But those are her behaviors, they are not HER. I need to separate my feelings about her actions from my feelings about her personhood.

To take this back down to a point that is positive, I had to ask myself what do I believe that every person deserves? I believe that everyone deserves the right to pursue their own happiness (as long as it doesn't harm anyone else). Every human deserves to be loved and accepted FOR WHO THEY ARE, at a very base and core level. And whether I disagree with her path or not, Sandy is attempting to pursue her own happiness and it is not harming me. I've been letting my beliefs (and they are my beliefs, not absolute truths) get in the way of what I really want for Sandy, and everyone, for that matter. So I am starting where I am.

To put things into a sharper perspective, I recalled how my life changed when Pebbles' best friend died very tragically, nearly five years ago. That event really brought home the point about not sweating the small stuff and in the horrible event that the unthinkable happened to Sandy, would I be happy with myself for not letting her know that I care about her just because she didn't thank me for her Christmas present, et al? Given those set of circumstances, it's pretty easy for me to get to some place where my thoughts and energies about Sandy are positive.

This doesn't mean that I'm going to be doing some grand thing, but what I am willing to do, I want to be able to do with good and positive feelings and energy and no expectation of anything in return. If I've got myself all tangled up in the outcomes with a certain expectation/hope/wish of getting some validation for myself, then I've defeated the purpose. I'll do what I can, even if it's small. I'll start where I am.


Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Listen to Pema Chodron and Start Where You Are.

-Roxie
161.5

Monday, February 2, 2009

Am I wearing pants?



Welcome to Monday. I'm glad to be at work and wearing pants. At least I remembered where I work and to cover my ass! Forgot my phone, had to turn around and go fetch it. Still didn't remember that I didn't pack a lunch or breakfast. Got into town and in the parking lot and remembered that I had no food, so it was back to two places to get appropriate food for my breakfast and lunch. Whew!

Had a lovely Sunday, which can be my worst day. As reported on a recent
Sunday Morning, some folks have trouble with the day, and I am no exception. I don't know why that is, but I'm more apt to be in the dumps, to overeat, etc. But I sailed through this Sunday, partly due to the fabulous weather and some time to work in the garden. We harvested brussel sprouts to have for dinner tonight. Should have had them last night, but it was Super Bowl and Bick was going over to the neighbor's to watch the game. I stayed home and flipped channels.

I did spend some time in my yoga room this weekend, as pictured above. I am/we are still struggling with Sandy. Turns out, she's been lying to almost everyone about where she's been going to school. I had issues with her original choice, but at least it was a real, accredited university, but this choice is even worse. It's a for-profit, overpriced diploma-mill. No real education to be had. Both Bick and I are heartsick about this. We don't know what happened or if she even attended the first school. We spent a lot of time Sunday morning sitting at the kitchen table talking about how to deal with this and how we feel about it. I don't know that we made any real progress, but Bick thanked me later in the day for the conversation. Said he lives in his head so much over this situation, it's feels good to at least talk about it. Each of us needs to come to some sort of resolution/new way of thinking/dealing with the situation and with Sandy. I am not happy with how I feel about it and so I will continue to work on finding a place that is good.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Give yourself a place and some space to deal with what troubles you.

-Roxie
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